Why Must We Drive Downtown to Buy Milk?

Twilight Fangirl World Headquarters
(alternately known as downtown Vancouver).

It was an unusual evening at our house tonight. Claiming that my blog has "shamed her," the Missus cooked dinner and did the dishes afterwards, before withdrawing behind her laptop. This may seem like a small thing, but it's the most attention she's paid me since she's discovered Edward Cullen.

I felt she deserved a reward. (Positive reinforcement is the key to winning your woman back from the cold, grasping arms of that undead home wrecker).

I decided to give her my full attention as she chatted about her blogs instead of sulking in the corner with my arms crossed, and snorting whenever she mentions Robert Pattinson, as is my usual custom. I even helped her scrutinize the background of the Michael Sheen pics from Twi'Crack Addict to determine exactly where in Vancouver they were taken. (Living in Vancouver, this is a ritual for her whenever new New Moon cast pics are posted.)

Despite living so close to the set of New Moon, my wife has never yet asked me to go set-stalking with her, some small thing I suppose I should feel grateful for.

"I don't think I could ever actually go set-stalking anyway," she told me recently. "I just couldn't bring myself to hunt people down like that."

I bit my tongue. Obviously, her definition of 'hunting people down' doesn't include driving up and down Robson Street exclaiming "Is that Robert Pattinson?" every time she sees someone in a hoodie. (It really is amazing how many times we have had to go downtown lately.)

"I wouldn't want people coming up and gawking at me when I'm at work," she continued.

"But when they're out shopping or having a drink, they're fair game?"

"Shut up."

In truth, there are three reasons why my wife hasn't gone set-stalking, despite being at the epi-centre of New Moon Madness:

1. We are too lazy. Frankly after working all day, it's just too much work to go out and try to find celebrities.
   
   
2. My wife is actually quite reluctant to meet the actors in real life. She is convinced that, invariably, she would find them disappointingly ordinary and subsequently wouldn't enjoy the films as much.
   
   
3. We are too old and un-hip (just ask our teenager) to even know where trendy young people hang out anymore. And if we did, the young people would laugh at us when we got there.
   

Nevertheless, it has become part of our daily routine to look at pap shots of the cast while my wife says "OMG I've been there. We were there just last week!" Uncannily, she will find a legitimate reason to be there again on some small personal errand or supposedly work-related reason. I don't know how she does this, but it is incredible to watch.

Sadly, she has yet to "accidentally" bump into any cast members yet, but it's only a matter of time. We're down to a quarter jug of milk.

Every Movement Needs an Anthem

Sometimes, only another man's words can express how you truly feel, like in the timeless love story of Cyrano de Bergerac, or like those G 'n' R / Bon Jovi mix tapes you made for that girl back in Grade 8, before she started avoiding you and snickering at you with her friends in the cafeteria.

Sadly, I can't compose symphonies at the drop of the hat, unlike certain well-coiffed vampires, but thanks to Hank Green, I don't need to. This song will instantly strike a chord with any man who is desperately competing with a fictional vampire for his woman's affections, and I hereby adopt it as the official Twilight Widower's anthem.



While I do not have cold, rock-hard flesh, and I am sometimes guilty of needing "a minute to be human," I do have other redeeming qualities. For example, I make a wicked Indian butter chicken. And, I never once heard of Edward Cullen doing the dishes.

I ask you, which is better?

Tricks of the Trade

(Edit: I forgot to link to the inspiration blog. Sorry, fixed.)

After exhaustive study of the habits of Twilight Widowers, I came across a blog that identified the Five stages of Twilight-Widower-Grief (Suspicion, Denial, Anger, More Anger, Complacency).

I myself have gone through these stages.

Suspicion ("Honey? Are you watching Twilight again?" and "Did you just call me ‘Edward’?")

Denial ("I'm sure it's just a phase. I don't mind ironing her work clothes.")

Anger ("No, I am not making mushroom ravioli again!")

More Anger ("No, we are not buying tickets for the Twilight cruise!")

Complacency ("Here, honey, I printed up Midnight Sun and bound it for you. Now you won't get eyestrain.")

Now that I have resigned myself to the role of complacent Twilight Widower, I have discovered that despite the seemingly endless neglect us Twi-Widowers often endure, there are some surefire ways to get the wife to pay attention to you (albeit for a few sweet, brief minutes until the latest New Moon news is posted).

Here is my advice to you, fellow long-suffering spouse:

1. Whenever talking to her, try to sneak the words "Robert Pattinson" into your sentences. She will immediately perk up and give you her undivided attention.

(I have found this method to be particularly effective when discussing responsibility for household chores.)

2. Use pillow hair to your advantage. Tell her you are going for an "Edward Look."

3. Piggyback her around your local park and tell that she's your own personal brand of heroin. Never mind the stares – it will all be worth it when you get home.

4. Buy body glitter. The next time you are in the mood to "reap the benefits," apply liberally. (Note: It is useful to have a Handivac for the sheets afterwards.)

5. Read the Wikipedia summary of the Twilight Series, so you can pretend that you have read the books yourself. When "discussing" them, just nod sagely when she describes parts omitted in the summary.

6. When in bed, place your cold feet on the small of her back. Tell her "I bet this is how he felt on their wedding night." (Results may vary.)

Edward's whole body feels like cold feet.

7. Secretly disconnect your modem. When she begins to panic about the loss of up-to-date Twilight news, heroically restart the modem (after several false starts and mock exasperation on your part; you have to make her believe this is hard work for you). Reap benefits.

8. Start a Twilight blog yourself. Ask her for "input" regularly.

And just remember: Barring another book getting published, this whole obsession is bound to peter out in about three year’s time. I’m counting the days.

Go Team Widower.

My Lame Obsession Could Totally Beat Up Your Lame Obsession

This morning, feigning interest in my wife's Twilight blog fixation just so she would talk to me, we ran across a hilarious story involving an Edward Cullen action figure and a Soundwave Transformer. This got me thinking.

I've long maintained that Edward Cullen, aka Pretty Sparkle Boy, is simply not manly enough to inspire the kind of undying awe and devotion women like my wife have bestowed on him. Aren't there, after all, other fictional men who are more deserving of women's admiration? Manly, menly-type men who could kick the snot out of Pretty Sparkle Boy. Sure, he's got a mean smoulder, but, boiling it down, he's really not much of a man's man, is he?

I mentioned this to my wife, but naturally she took Edward's side.

So, I present to you 10 men that could totally kick Edward Cullen's ass.

First, the contender:

Edward "the 108 Year-Old Virgin" Cullen

Perfect predator? I think not.

I'm the worlds most dangerous predator. Everything about me invites you in --- my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I would need any of that! As if you could outrun me!! --- As if you could fight me off!

All right Edward, let's put you to the test.

Powers:

• Can run really fast.
• Is sparkly.
• Superhuman strength.
• Can read other peoples' thoughts.
• Drives recklessly.
• Smells good.
  
• Sister can predict the future, so long as the future doesn't change.
• Brother can make people feel more relaxed.
• Well-nigh invulnerable, except for other vampires, fire, werewolves, angst, psychic attacks and Dakota Fanning.
  
• Adept at stalking teenagers.
  
• Plays the piano.

The skinny:

While Edward has proven his combat prowess against other vampires (if the rest of his family is there to help), as well as uprooting trees and stopping vans with his bare hands, his ability to fight a more diverse range of opponents is questionable.

That said, let's meet my challengers:

10. He-Man

He has the power.

Also known as Prince Adam of Eternia, this heroic gentleman taught a generation of men that having a really big sword will help you overcome any of life's problems.

Powers:

• Strong and Pure.
• Possesses the Power of Greyskull.
• Rides a giant green house-cat that can talk.
• Magical sword. As we all know, magic swords can cut through anything, even vampires.
  
• Makes a pageboy haircut look cool.

The skinny:

While it may seem Edward's ability to read thoughts would give him an advantage, in fact, he would be stymied by the pure and righteous thoughts that flow through the mind of He-Man. In fact, such thoughts would likely cause Cullen to spiral into a bout of self-loathing as he compares his own wicked, soulless undead existence to the heroic perfection of He-Man.

The Verdict:

He-Man would take pity on the wretched, murderous, self-hating, stalker and chop Cullen into a million little pieces. Winner: He-Man.

9. Wolverine

Hmm, a cigar. I wonder what Freud would say....

Arguably the most powerful of the X-Men (that discussion for another blog), this mutant hero has at least 70 years on Cullen. Advantages: Wolverine (Logan to his friends), to my recollection, has never stalked a woman 90 years his junior, and the only thing sparkly about him is his razor-sharp claws.

Powers

• Can regenerate any damage, up to and including being disintegrated.
• Superhuman senses and agility.
• Skeleton is coated with a nigh-indestructible layer of Adamantium.
• Claws of same Adamantium, which can cut through everything.
• Can move on after a personal tragedy instead of dwelling on it for nearly a century.
  

The Skinny:

Probably the most even match of this exercise. While Cullen may have an advantage in speed, Wolverine has an edge in combat experience. Also, when Wolverine enters his "battle rage" he relies purely on instinct to control his actions. Edward mind-reading advantage would therefore be nullified.

The Verdict:

By virtue of this being a near-even match, I am tempted to call it a draw, but since Wolverine's Adamantium claws are made of the strongest substance in the known universe, I'm assuming Cullen won't be able to deliver the decapitation required for a killing blow. On the other hand, said Adamantium can cut through simply anything, which therefore must include vampire flesh. Winner: Wolverine.

8. Lt. Cmdr. Data

Spock is a pussy.

He's incredibly strong and fast. His skin sparkles in the sunlight, he is impeccably polite and well-educated. He composes his own symphonies. Wait a minute... someone get Paramount on the phone! I smell a lawsuit!

Powers

• He's Mr. Data. So essentially he can do everything Edward can, only without the inconvenience of emotion.
  

The Skinny:

Data is everything Edward Cullen purports to be, only he, unlike Cullen, has transcended such weaknesses as hunger and sex. (Also, Data has, to date, scored with more chicks than Cullen). Finally, Edward could no more read Data's thoughts he could the thoughts of his Volvo.

The Verdict:

Unless Data's evil older brother Lore is on Team Edward (we can't assume these things), I expect an easy victory from the original Mr. Sparkle.

7. Snake Eyes

"..."

Silent but deadly (not unlike certain bodily functions best not mentioned in polite company), G.I. Joe's resident ninja badass can outrun bullets, fake his own death and, despite having had his vocal chords severed, can even speak when dramatic tension necessitates. And being a member of the G.I. Joe crack killing squad, who knows what sort of GitMo black ops stuff he can do to Mr. Sparklypants. Plus he has a pet wolf. So there's potential Team Jacob crossover appeal.

Powers

• General badassery.
• Ninja badassery.
• Silent dude in black badassery.
• The list just goes on and on.
  

The Skinny:

Words alone cannot describe how Snake Eyes would kick Edward's ass. In fact, to honor the Silent Master, I won't say anything.

The Verdict:

I said I wouldn't say anything. He'd just win. Okay?

6. Batman

The Dark Knight: a better dancer than Edward.

Over the last 80-plus years, Bruce Wayne has donned leotards and jumped from rooftop to rooftop accompanied only by a kid wearing spandex and green pixie boots. Also, he fights evil clowns, chicks with cat issues and various people who slipped through the social safety net when their various mental disorders went undiagnosed. Also, he regularly beats up Superman.

Powers

• Obsessive planning. If there is a contingency for whatever is happening, odds are Bats already has initiated it.
• Bottomless resources. Which in comicspeak means that he just happens to have two versions of the one single thing he needs to be able to beat the villain. With bat motifs painted on them.
• Has killed vampires before. Seriously. It's in the comics.
• Emotionally dead with ambiguous morality. Batman wouldn't be afraid to fight dirty, unlike Mr. Pretty McDazzle.
  

The Skinny:

Once Batman chooses to fight Edward Cullen, he has already mapped out his strategy, afforded six different contingencies, and even has a fail safe that will kill both of them if Edward should get the advantage. In short, Edward lost before the fight began.

The Verdict:

First Batman would kill then Cullens, then he would contrive a reason to have Rome nuked to get rid of the Volturi as well. Then without their self-policing influence, all the other vamps would quickly degenerate into chaos, only to be picked off one-by-one by Batman as well. This would not conflict with Batman's "no killing" policy, since vampires are dead already anyway.

5. Optimus Prime

Father figure for millions of latchkey 80s boys.

Picture Atticus Finch. Then make him 30 feet tall and give him the ability to turn into a semi truck. The result: history's greatest alpha male.

Powers

• Giant robot.
• So charismatic, even his most bitter enemies respect him.
• Willing to sacrifice himself for the greater good.
• Willing to sacrifice others for the greater good.
  

The Skinny:

He's a giant robot with 4 million years of fighting experience. Need I say more?

The Verdict:

Squish. Whoops. My Bad.

4. Spider-Man

Spiders are nature's perfect killer.

He's an angst-filled, sexually frustrated teen with the awesome power of spiders. No word as to whether the spider that bit him developed the powers of human reasoning; sadly, history is silent on that point.

Powers

• Whatever a spider can.
  

The Skinny:

While Edward can read minds, Spider-Man has the uncanny arachnid ability to know when to duck. (Ever squished a spider on the first try?) Edward may be super strong, but so are spider webs. Plus, unlike Edward, webs are sticky.

The Verdict:

Edward would lose simply because Spidey wants it more. Also, unlike me and millions of my sad suburban brethren, he would NOT stand for the idea of Mary Jane sniffing around those pretty Cullen boys.

3. R2-D2

I've fought in Wars, son.

While originally just comic relief, R2-D2 has pulled the other Star Wars characters' collective ass out of the fire so many times they owe him a pension. All the little guy had to do was stick his metal thingy into a wall socket, and BAM, suddenly an escape hatch opened, or the garbage crusher shut down, or the hyperdrive on the Millenium Falcon started up again.

Powers

• Able to make things work when he slid his robot schlong into a wall socket.
• Can fly like a little metal bird.
• Has more gadgets than a Swiss army knife.

The Skinny:

First off, Edward would arrogantly underestimate the little robot, probably thinking he was an amicable trash can or something. The second his guard was down, R2 would spritz Edward with some oil and set if off with a *foosh* of his jetpacks.

The Verdict:

R2-D2 is a ruthless robotic monster. He fought with Yoda. When they wiped his BFF C-3PO's memory, he laughed. He has survived being shot at least twice. R2-D2=better than you.

2. Superman

Superman as Christ figure. Discuss.

Summary

Powers

• Faster than speeding bullet.
• Able to leap tall buildings, usually in a single bound.
• More powerful than a locomotive.
• Laser eyes, frosty breath, killer abs.
  

The Skinny:

Superman has been maligned as of late, what with the recent less-than-stellar cinematic outing and the de-powering he's endured on television. However despite these setbacks, the Man of Steel still has an aura of, well, superiority. Granted, picking Superman for your side is a bit like cheating, but he does have his weaknesses. They are well-documented, and if Edward Cullen can rustle up some Kryptonite or turn the Sun red, then all is fair. If he can't, it's not Superman's fault.

The Verdict:

When Superman steps into the sunlight, he has the power of a god. When Edward Cullen steps out in the sunlight, he looks like a dancer at a rave circa 1994. Which do you think is more useful?

1.Darth Vader

You think you've got angst, Cullen? Whatevs.

What can be said about the fallen Jedi once known as Anakin Skywalker that hasn't been said a million times before? Slayer of worlds, the Chosen One, the reason why black will always be in.

Powers

• The Force.
• Bad-ass red light sabre.
• Not afraid to get his hands dirty (though technically they aren't really his hands).
• Unchartable awesomness.
• The voice of James Earl Jones.
  

The Skinny:

Edward Cullen has never faced a foe that can hold a candle to Darth Vader. Vader's use of the Force gives him the ultimate advantage over Sparklypants. Neither Edward's speed nor his mind-reading could help him here; by the time Edward figures out where to run, Vader would already have immobilized him and taken his head off his shoulders.


The Verdict:

Nothing can beat Darth Vader. (Except his own offspring.) It is inarguable, so much so that even my wife, who disagreed with every other entry on this list, conceded that Darth Vader would hand Pretty Boy Cullen his ass, several times over.

Repeat after me: "I find your lack of faith disturbing, Cullen."

Typical day in the life of of Twilight Widower

My partner this morning was quite miffed. It seems that in between the time that she logged off the internet last night at 11:30 pm until when she went online this morning at 9 a.m. none of the thirteen-some Twilight fan blogs had made any updates whatsoever. I therefore hope any bloggers who may be reading this will redouble their efforts stalking the streets of Vancouver so my wife can wake up to fresh Twilight saga news.

Anyway, I thought it would be best to fill you in on a typical day in the life of a Twilight Widower so that you can feel less alone.

7 a.m.- Wake up. Am asked to analyze my wife's dream, in which I got ran over by Robert Pattinson driving a Volvo.

8 a.m.- After making coffee and failing at trying to make breakfast conversation over the laptop, which my wife is using to check her Twilight blogs, I resign myself to agreeing that yes, Robert Pattinson does look something like a young Salvador Dali. Also, I am reminded (again) that he will be doing a nude scene.

8:15 a.m. - Silently start to compile a list of conversation topics that have nothing to do with Twilight or Robert Pattinson in any way whatsoever. Must remember to try to sneak these into our conversation at some point today.

8:50 a.m.- Wife rushes off to work, telling me that I should have been keeping an eye on the time for her. And why didn't I get her lunch ready?

10:30- I receive yet another e-mail from the wife with more links to the "hilarious" adventures of the Edward Cullen action figures, which other over-30 married women apparently seem to be occupying themselves with instead of taking care of their loved ones. I am happy that the wife has not yet demanded I buy one for her. (Although, I suspect, it is only a matter of time.)

12 Noon- I begin to wonder if I am starting to resent Robert Pattinson, but I decide no. I return to vandalizing "R-Pattz" pictures on Photoshop.


1:30 p.m.- I get another e-mail from my wife, asking whether I can get a copy of the The Twilight Saga: The Official Guide on my way home.

5:30 p.m. Arrive home. As usual, no dinner. Wife is re-reading entire Twilight saga, and has isolated herself in our bedroom, saying she has "work to do."

7 p.m.- After finishing the dinner and dishes, I poke my head into the bedroom to look in on the wife. She waves me away and makes hissing sounds until I leave.

8 p.m.- It's that time of day, the final check of the blogs. I am accordingly given updates. I treasure these rare moments together.

• K-Stew was seen using a restaurant washroom and was totally not stuck-up when a fan talked to her in the stall next to her.
• AshGreene has a dog.
• PFratt talks to EW magazine, saying "Robert Pattinson is easy to work with." Wow, he is so down to earth.

9 p.m.- Am lonely. Consider asking wife to watch Twilight DVD for 7th time. But then, what will we do on date night? Hmmm...maybe I will play Xbox with the teen.

9:15 p.m.- Kid kicks me off Xbox. Apparently, I "suck" at Halo. Damned complicated controllers.
In my day we had two buttons and we were happy to have them, dammit.

10:30 p.m.- Wife suddenly wants my attention. She wants me to watch a British TV movie starring Robert Pattinson on Youtube. I pour some wine and swallow my pride.

Requiem for a Twilight Widower

It was about five months ago now that I realized my wife was seeing another man.

His name is Edward Cullen.

It is rather ironic.When our kid first tried to get her to read the books, she was reluctant.

"I'm not reading some pre-teen masturbation crap," she exclaimed scornfully.

But this all changed in November of 2008, when she was introduced to Edward Cullen's onscreen alter ego; Robert Pattinson.

Yes, the actor whose previous claim to fame was being the kid that bit it in one of Harry Potter flicks is now secretly trysting with my woman.

I should have known something was amiss when I came home from work one day to be greeted by a note reading:

Went to see Twilight again, so it's your turn to cook.

Now, after five months, daily re-readings of the entire series, hourly searches of Twilight fan blogs, weekly viewings of the Three-Disc Ultimate Fan Edition DVD, and some very disturbing speculative fan-fiction posted online (Emmett and Jasper's Evil Squirrels?), I am beginning to think this isn't just a phase.

So now I have created this blog. Perhaps there are other men (and women) who have felt neglected when their partner is in their "Twilight Zone."

Brothers, sisters, there are others out there who feel your pain. Your significant other belongs to Edward now. I understand. We are all Jacobs in this triangle.