Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Requiem for a Twilight Widower

It was about five months ago now that I realized my wife was seeing another man.

His name is Edward Cullen.


It is rather ironic.When our kid first tried to get her to read the books, she was reluctant.


"I'm not reading some pre-teen masturbation crap," she exclaimed scornfully.


But this all changed in November of 2008, when she was introduced to Edward Cullen's onscreen alter ego; Robert Pattinson.


Yes, the actor whose previous claim to fame was being the kid that bit it in one of Harry Potter flicks is now secretly trysting with my woman.


I should have known something was amiss when I came home from work one day to be greeted by a note reading:


Went to see Twilight again, so it's your turn to cook.


Now, after five months, daily re-readings of the entire series, hourly searches of Twilight fan blogs, weekly viewings of the Three-Disc Ultimate Fan Edition DVD, and some very disturbing speculative fan-fiction posted online (Emmett and Jasper's Evil Squirrels?), I am beginning to think this isn't just a phase.


So now I have created this blog. Perhaps there are other men (and women) who have felt neglected when their partner is in their "Twilight Zone."


Brothers, sisters, there are others out there who feel your pain. Your significant other belongs to Edward now. I understand. We are all Jacobs in this triangle.


73 comments:

  1. Keep writing. You are hilarious... I forwarded this to my widower, Mr. Spank. Tell your wife to come hang out with us ladies at our blog http://www.twilightheaded.com

    You can come too but you may want to self-medicate first. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. My fave line in this post: "Your significant other belongs to Edward now. I understand. We are all Jacobs in this triangle." You are hilarious, and you (like my poor husband) clearly knows way more about the saga (i.e. "we are all Jacobs") than you'd probably ever wished.

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  3. Ahhhh...you feel like Jacob?!?!? I bet my hubby does too. I bet he is really regretting buying me the whole Twilight Saga back in November. I'll point him in your direction.

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  4. hahahaha loved the blogg!! I´m a twifan but I moved over it and now I´m just a vamp fan. :D
    at least I have a lot of different subjects to talk about. :P

    ReplyDelete
  5. You are so funny! I love it. I must admitt I am an addict too, lucky (i guess) I don't have a mate to ignore.

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  6. i can't stop laughing...
    keep them coming... ;D
    great blog!!!

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  7. WTH ... rs ... I'm from Brasil, name: ALINE
    While searching for sometinhig of twilight, I saw this. Man, you are hilarious. I really thing you should keep doing this.
    I have to say for you thaat you arent the only one who is going throw this situation. My boyfriend always tells me that i'm crazy. But what can I do if twilight ( in Brasil we call CREPÚSCULO ) is so perfect. But talking about Robert, i think you should keep doing what you are doing, cause HE IS SO PERFECT that I think your wife would left you home, talking with yourself you you say something bad about her ( i know because i've alredy done it with my boyfriend, hihihi ) KISSES AND KEEP BEEING YOU, THAANKS :)

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  8. BAHAHAHA! I think I should send a link to your blog for my husband. Fortunately, I'm only reading the blogs these days so the poor shmuck is actually getting fed. I'm proud of the steps I've taken to stem my addiction. Consider yourself bookmarked :)

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  9. Seriously, you could be my husband. Except that he never has enough time on the computer to blog. ;) Hilarious stuff! Keep it up~

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  10. "We are all Jacobs in this triangle"

    Best.Phrase.Ever.

    I love your blog. Do you realize that many men and women's TwiAddicted significant others will add YOUR blog to the list of 13 o more they read every day?

    And the bad news: TwiAddicts don't want to quit the habit. Actually, I'm not sure if quitting is possible. I have never met anyone who tried...

    ANDREA

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  11. haha i'm a twilight fan, but this is HILARIOUS. i'm giving this site to my boyfriend; he needs some encouragement.

    oh, just a request: any way you could keep the insults to Rob Pattinson (the actor) to a minimum? after all, EDWARD is the offender here (as always... I'm Team Jacob)

    besides that, keep up the great work!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Honey, is that you?

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  13. "We are all Jacobs in this triangle"

    LMAO.

    i was always a jacob girl.. if only your wife was too.. :P

    ReplyDelete
  14. OMG theres a 3 disk DVD set?!?!? Ive only got the two disk one!!!!!


    (Great job by the way:-) )

    ReplyDelete
  15. My hubby is a Twilight widower. I bought he blanket of Edward and placed it lovingly on our marriage bed and when I went to bed 2 hours after hubby (I was reading Midnight Sun), blasphemy occurred! Edward was on the floor in a pile!!!!!! I wrapped him around me and again I woke up to Edward thrown across the room. I was told Edward was not allowed on the bed! I told hubby this is the only way I can get Edward into bed with me. Hubby didn't like that response and we had our first fight in our almost 10 years of marriage.

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  16. I'm so glad that I'm single...I'd feel really bad if I had a boyfriend who felt like he had to live up to Edwards expectations. haha!

    I love your blog! <3

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  17. My husband is in the same boat. He appreciates that you have the nerve to write this for other people to see. He suffers in silence. I do admit. 60% of my attention and 90% of the energy I once had for house cleaning and sex has gone to Edward Cullen. At least we both know now we are not alone. Thanks for this blog. It has helped him come to terms with the fact I want him to sparkle in the sun and give me impossible things and I blame it on him that he can't. He should just try harder, Edward Would.

    ReplyDelete
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  19. I'm so glad that I'm single...I'd feel really bad if I had a boyfriend who felt like he had to live up to Edwards expectations.

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