Friday, June 12, 2009

Undead By Any Other Name

This week, watching horror flicks with the teen got me thinking. Why are some supernatural creatures (like vampires or werewolves) treated as sexy, seductive, potential boyfriend material, while others, (like zombies, mummies, or dancing skeletons) are treated as vile, hideous monsters?

You have to wonder (I know I have): would Twilight have been such a success if Edward Cullen had been a less desirable undead creature? Would Edward be nearly as desirable if he was, say, a shambling, flesh-eating zombie? Consider the following scene:

Bella Swan: You're impossibly slow, and dumb. Your skin is pale green and squishy. Your eyes fall out, and sometimes you speak like— like you have no vocal chords. You never drink anything. You keep trying to eat my brain. How old are you?

Edward Cullen: Uuuuhhhh.

Bella Swan: I know what you are.

Edward Cullen: Gaaaahhhh uhhh.

Bella Swan: Zombie.

Edward Cullen: Urrrrr.

I was sure of three things. One, Edward was a zombie.
Two, there was a part of him, and I didn't know how strong it was, that hungered for my brains. And third, I was irrevocably in love with him.

Not nearly so sexy, is it? Vampires really do get all the breaks when it comes to being undead.

It's hard to say exactly what is it about vampires that makes them so appealing. Is it the money? Mummies guard vast hoards of treasure, and you don't see the ladies lining up. Yes, they usually are dust-farting old piles of bones wrapped in bandages, but at least they have a steady job, and they often have a pretty swank pyramid to live in.

Is it the sense of lust intermingled with danger? The offer of immortal life? It can't be that. The zombies mentioned above are pretty lusty in their pursuit of eating human flesh, and that - you must admit - is rather dangerous. And when they kill, their prey rise up and become immortal zombies. So what is it then?

The only answer I can think of must be wardrobe. Girls are suckers for a sharp dressed man, even if he lacks a pulse. Be it Dracula, Lestat, Bill Compton, Edward Cullen or the Count from Sesame Street, vampires always dress well. They're really the only undead creatures with panache and style.But for a pair of Pradas and a well-cut suit, I can only presume my wife would be lusting after this:

He may not be perfect, but at least he knows
how to show a girl a good time.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Onward and Upward

Firstly, please accept my apologies for the incredibly tardy post. As you can imagine, since
the photos of Robert Pattinson standing shirtless in Italy were released, it has been very difficult for me to get near the computer.

(I thought I could sneak a post in earlier this week, but then - alas - the New Moon trailer came out. Add to that the particularly fine weather we've been having in Vancouver lately, and you can perhaps forgive me for my lapse.

It was, in fact, the release of the infamous "shirtless photos" that finally tipped me off to some peculiar behaviour my wife had been exhibiting for some time now.

Shortly after the "shirtless pictures" went online,
my wife just happened to stop by the local sporting goods store and brought home a set of weights.

"Well, it's summer soon," she said, by way of explanation. "You want to look good for the beach, don't you?" she asked innocently, in between replays of the animated shirtless vid on YouTube.

I became suspicious.

Was I being groomed to look like Edward Cullen?

This wasn't the first time this had happened. Up until a few weeks ago I wouldn’t have guessed how many brands of glitter body paint there are. And I remembered an odd conversation we had a while ago over the dinner table:

"Stare at me."
"Stare at me like you want to eat me."
I frowned. She waited patiently.
"No. That just looks constipated."

It's easy to tell if you're being groomed to look like Pretty McSparkle. Pay close attention to your wife's behaviour and you'll soon picked up the pattern:

1. Random gifts of hair gel ("Try putting your hair up for a change, honey.")

2. Signing you up for piano lessons ("You said you wanted a new hobby.")

3. An unusual interest in your skin care routine ("The UV index is too high. here, wear this SPF 50 sunblock. And a hat. And cover your arms up.")

4. Your wardrobe has taken a decidedly… vintage look lately (“It's what all the guys are wearing now, trust me.”)

Honey? Why can't I wear shorts to the beach?

5. You are certain she keeps calling you by a different name (“No, you misheard me… I said “I love you, onward!”)

6. She makes you stand out in the cold for a half-hour before letting you come to bed (“It’ll tighten your pores”)

It may be paranoia on our part, I admit. But just remember, when she pages you at work and you hear “phone call for Mr. Cullen,” odds are it isn’t just a slip on her part…