Friday, May 1, 2009

Typical day in the life of of Twilight Widower

My partner this morning was quite miffed. It seems that in between the time that she logged off the internet last night at 11:30 pm until when she went online this morning at 9 a.m. none of the thirteen-some Twilight fan blogs had made any updates whatsoever. I therefore hope any bloggers who may be reading this will redouble their efforts stalking the streets of Vancouver so my wife can wake up to fresh Twilight saga news.

Anyway, I thought it would be best to fill you in on a typical day in the life of a Twilight Widower so that you can feel less alone.

7 a.m.- Wake up. Am asked to analyze my wife's dream, in which I got ran over by Robert Pattinson driving a Volvo.

8 a.m.- After making coffee and failing at trying to make breakfast conversation over the laptop, which my wife is using to check her Twilight blogs, I resign myself to agreeing that yes, Robert Pattinson does look something like a young Salvador Dali. Also, I am reminded (again) that he will be doing a nude scene.

8:15 a.m. - Silently start to compile a list of conversation topics that have nothing to do with Twilight or Robert Pattinson in any way whatsoever. Must remember to try to sneak these into our conversation at some point today.

8:50 a.m.- Wife rushes off to work, telling me that I should have been keeping an eye on the time for her. And why didn't I get her lunch ready?

10:30- I receive yet another e-mail from the wife with more links to the "hilarious" adventures of the Edward Cullen action figures, which other over-30 married women apparently seem to be occupying themselves with instead of taking care of their loved ones.
I am happy that the wife has not yet demanded I buy one for her. (Although, I suspect, it is only a matter of time.)

12 Noon- I begin to wonder if I am starting to resent Robert Pattinson, but I decide no. I return to vandalizing "R-Pattz" pictures on Photoshop.


1:30 p.m.- I get another e-mail from my wife, asking whether I can get a copy of the The Twilight Saga: The Official Guide on my way home.

5:30 p.m. Arrive home. As usual, no dinner. Wife is re-reading entire Twilight saga, and has isolated herself in our bedroom, saying she has "work to do."

7 p.m.- After finishing the dinner and dishes, I poke my head into the bedroom to look in on the wife. She waves me away and makes hissing sounds until I leave.

8 p.m.- It's that time of day, the final check of the blogs. I am accordingly given updates. I treasure these rare moments together.
  • K-Stew was seen using a restaurant washroom and was totally not stuck-up when a fan talked to her in the stall next to her.
  • AshGreene has a dog.
  • PFratt talks to EW magazine, saying "Robert Pattinson is easy to work with." Wow, he is so down to earth.
9 p.m.- Am lonely. Consider asking wife to watch Twilight DVD for 7th time. But then, what will we do on date night? Hmmm...maybe I will play Xbox with the teen.

9:15 p.m.- Kid kicks me off Xbox. Apparently, I "suck" at Halo. Damned complicated controllers.
In my day we had two buttons and we were happy to have them, dammit.

10:30 p.m.- Wife suddenly wants my attention. She wants me to watch a British TV movie starring Robert Pattinson on Youtube. I pour some wine and swallow my pride.

75 comments:

  1. Thanks for making me laugh. (hubby even checked in on me to see if i'm alright).
    Send it to my hubby - guess it's really HIS day.
    Greeting from a TwilightMOM from Holland!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for this post; I think that my husband could've written a similar story! Eeep.

    http://twicrackaddict.blogspot.com/2009/05/twilight-widower-makes-me-realize-i.html

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  3. Love it! But - you MUST tell me how you got your wife a copy of The Twilight Saga: The Official Guide??? It hasn't been released here yet! Who do you know? How do I get mine NOW?

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  4. I can't believe you only have 3 comments! That shit is great - totally right. gave me some prespective to maybe give the hubby some good lovin' compliments of Twilighted...hmm, must go there next - kidding - well, sort of! Hope it gets better for ya....least I cook for my hubby.........will be prayin' for ya bud!

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  5. It hasn't been released yet, no. But didn't stop her from asking me to pick it up. :|

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  6. At least your wife hasn't dragged you to filming sets to take photos of her Edward doll in front of random ugly buildings while you fumed in the car. hehe.

    I'm definitely sharing your post with my husband tonight -- another excuse to talk about Twilight again!

    -TwiCrack

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  7. I'm wondering...are you MY husband? Hmmm...you sure sound like him.

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  8. Thanks for the chuckle! I emailed my husband you blog...I would like to think I am not that bad...I have read the whole book series...twice so far...now I am listening to the books on CD in my car to and from work...

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  9. This is the most funny and true thing ever!!!:)

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  10. Pleeeease keep writing these blogs! so many men out there need your support (my husband mostly). Thanks, dude!

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  11. Great blog!! My DH will get a laugh out of it, I sure did!
    ...Yikes, I hope I'm not that bad!!?!...

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  12. This is great! When I was reading the Twilight Saga for the first time, that was all I talked about to my husband! I could tell he was getting annoyed, but he dealt with it just fine. This is all totally true and I'll definitely have my husband read it. Keep 'em coming!

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  13. You rock dude! My Wife and my Sister-in-Law are both on this thing. It was like one day I came home and couldn't find them. It's been like two months now and all I can find are the revolving book that is not being read. They are off reading one of the books or watching the movie somewhere. And now they are passing it around like a drug or a disease and it is infecting all of my friends Wive's. Swine flu has nothing on this twightlight stuff. :-)

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  14. Thank you for sharing your day with us, this is GREAT!

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  15. Thank you for posting!! Hilarious because it's so true! My hubby has been pretty good about dealing with my obsession (do 2 pictures, well 1 is a poster really, of Rob in my office count??). Anyway, I sent my husband the link and hope he enjoys it as well. :-)

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  16. LOL! This could have been written by my husband! I do cook dinner, though. But the quality has definitely gone down. It's hard to find time, between watching youtube videos and chatting on IMDb, lol. I'll try to be better. I'm feeling guilty now. I sent my husband the link to this. He should get a real laugh from it. He can relate.

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  17. Great blog!!!
    I'm so happy I'm not married or my husband would have left me long ago. I'm guilty of all the points listed but fortunately nobody has to suffer from it =O)

    ANDREA

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  18. Seriously I don't get it. You may like a movie or a book a lot and be obsessed about it but being a 30-40 year old woman having a poster from a fiction character is really lame. Think about it and fir gods sake, get real. Enough with the twatlight...
    D

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  19. How true!!

    good luck!

    - Fellow twilight widower

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  20. ROTFLMAO! Well, Twilightwidower, I thoroughly enjoyed your post. Just wait until November, you might not know you have a wife unless you frequent the local theatre! My sympathies, but I am so glad I'm apparently not alone. I am one of the guilty wives, obsessed with Twilight. I was starting to think I was mentally ill! I am still cooking dinner, but I can't wait for my daughter to go to bed so I can watch Twilight, Youtubes or read one of the books for the umpteenth time. It's my own personal brand of Heroine, I guess. Yikes!

    Sarita

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  21. I absolutely love your blog! I am a twifan but not obssessed like I know some people are. Although I do think Rob is super HOT. I was reading this at my friends house and was crying the entire time because it was so funny. I am not really into the blog scene but I think I will have to check back on this one just too funny. Thanks for the laugh.

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  22. Wow! It's like...you have invaded my home!!! :O) My husband can so relate...I should show him this, so he won't feel like he is the only one stuck in my Twilight limbo mode, forever in Edward's shadow! :O)
    Now if I could only get him to change his name and sparkle...

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  23. Thank God I'm not married or have an 8-5 job. I'd be out of both by now. I just hope my daughter doesn't figure out how to call social services:-)

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  24. Your blog is soo awesome! My hubby is surprised there are so many of you "guys" out there. I really have to make more of an effort to be more productive. hm....

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  25. You're killing me. This is too funny!

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  26. That is the funniest thing I have read in a long, long time!! I'm going to have to forward this to my husband, as he will definitely appreciate your pain! Thanks for tear-inducing laugh today!!

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  27. Edward sucks, Twilight sucks...I'm a 20-year-old, it's kind of sad that married women are adicted to Stephenie Meyer's wet dream, instead of trying to make their mariage work.

    I feel your pain! I'm glad my mother isn't a Twitard and now, I know how I'll treat hubby-to-be? =)

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  28. Just found your blog and I LOVE IT!!! I made me crack up. I am one of the guilty Twilight obsessed 30+ wives out there. And my poor DH has been woderfully patient with me. Yes, I have hissed at him when he interrupts my reading moments of Robert..um, Edward. Yes, I forget to feed the hubby and kids and do absolutely no housework!!! Oh,I sound awful...but I am not alone!!! Yay! Thanks for writing this blog. I can't wait to show my hubby tonight...after we watch Twilight for the 27th time. ((smile))

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  29. Oops, couple of type-o's! Sorry, got excited.
    And I am thankful that I do have a wonderful and strong marriage in spite of this obsession!

    ReplyDelete
  30. So, I can't decide with the number of wives out there that are doing the same thing if it's as wrong as I want it to be, or if it's just something that's so far out of everyone's control. When my addict told me that all these other women were doing the same thing (not doing all the other things they used to)my thought was, 'Well, clearly they're all as wrong as her', but I don't know now. You have given representation to a large number of men. Thank you, and God bless you, or as my addict would say, "Edward bless you"

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  31. I AM A HUGE TWILIGHT FAN! YOU MAY BE FUNNY BUT THAT PICTURE IS HORRIBLE! YES I AM A TWILIGHT GIRLFRIEND! YES I DO EVERYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH TWILIGHT/EDWARD/JACOB. BUT THAT PICTURE IS SO MESSED UP! I AM TELLING ALL MY TWILIGHT BLOGGERS/FRIENDS ABOUT THIS SITE! THEY ARE GOING TO BE SO ANGRY ABOUT THAT STUPID PICTURE! I HOPE EDWARD CULLEN HURTS YOU! >=[

    ReplyDelete
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  33. Hahaha that made me life. And I hate to admit that I totally watched a British TV movie on youtube that starred Robert Pattinson just the other day.

    Your posts crack me up.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Wonderfully written!!

    I am one of those wives, but I can relate to your pain. But the silver lining is since I gave up cooking we are all down 10 lbs!!

    Jaima

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  35. you are hilarious. thanks for making me laugh during a dismal day. hang in there buddy

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  36. Words cannot express how much I hate this series

    http://theanti-mainstream.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  37. Sounds really bad and I feel really sorry for you. But also for your wife. Does she actually know the whole world wide web is laughing bout her?!?!??

    ReplyDelete
  38. Haha this is funny. But by the way it's PFach not PFatt.

    ReplyDelete
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