Typical day in the life of of Twilight Widower

My partner this morning was quite miffed. It seems that in between the time that she logged off the internet last night at 11:30 pm until when she went online this morning at 9 a.m. none of the thirteen-some Twilight fan blogs had made any updates whatsoever. I therefore hope any bloggers who may be reading this will redouble their efforts stalking the streets of Vancouver so my wife can wake up to fresh Twilight saga news.

Anyway, I thought it would be best to fill you in on a typical day in the life of a Twilight Widower so that you can feel less alone.

7 a.m.- Wake up. Am asked to analyze my wife's dream, in which I got ran over by Robert Pattinson driving a Volvo.

8 a.m.- After making coffee and failing at trying to make breakfast conversation over the laptop, which my wife is using to check her Twilight blogs, I resign myself to agreeing that yes, Robert Pattinson does look something like a young Salvador Dali. Also, I am reminded (again) that he will be doing a nude scene.

8:15 a.m. - Silently start to compile a list of conversation topics that have nothing to do with Twilight or Robert Pattinson in any way whatsoever. Must remember to try to sneak these into our conversation at some point today.

8:50 a.m.- Wife rushes off to work, telling me that I should have been keeping an eye on the time for her. And why didn't I get her lunch ready?

10:30- I receive yet another e-mail from the wife with more links to the "hilarious" adventures of the Edward Cullen action figures, which other over-30 married women apparently seem to be occupying themselves with instead of taking care of their loved ones. I am happy that the wife has not yet demanded I buy one for her. (Although, I suspect, it is only a matter of time.)

12 Noon- I begin to wonder if I am starting to resent Robert Pattinson, but I decide no. I return to vandalizing "R-Pattz" pictures on Photoshop.


1:30 p.m.- I get another e-mail from my wife, asking whether I can get a copy of the The Twilight Saga: The Official Guide on my way home.

5:30 p.m. Arrive home. As usual, no dinner. Wife is re-reading entire Twilight saga, and has isolated herself in our bedroom, saying she has "work to do."

7 p.m.- After finishing the dinner and dishes, I poke my head into the bedroom to look in on the wife. She waves me away and makes hissing sounds until I leave.

8 p.m.- It's that time of day, the final check of the blogs. I am accordingly given updates. I treasure these rare moments together.

• K-Stew was seen using a restaurant washroom and was totally not stuck-up when a fan talked to her in the stall next to her.
• AshGreene has a dog.
• PFratt talks to EW magazine, saying "Robert Pattinson is easy to work with." Wow, he is so down to earth.

9 p.m.- Am lonely. Consider asking wife to watch Twilight DVD for 7th time. But then, what will we do on date night? Hmmm...maybe I will play Xbox with the teen.

9:15 p.m.- Kid kicks me off Xbox. Apparently, I "suck" at Halo. Damned complicated controllers.
In my day we had two buttons and we were happy to have them, dammit.

10:30 p.m.- Wife suddenly wants my attention. She wants me to watch a British TV movie starring Robert Pattinson on Youtube. I pour some wine and swallow my pride.