Friday, May 1, 2009

Typical day in the life of of Twilight Widower

My partner this morning was quite miffed. It seems that in between the time that she logged off the internet last night at 11:30 pm until when she went online this morning at 9 a.m. none of the thirteen-some Twilight fan blogs had made any updates whatsoever. I therefore hope any bloggers who may be reading this will redouble their efforts stalking the streets of Vancouver so my wife can wake up to fresh Twilight saga news.

Anyway, I thought it would be best to fill you in on a typical day in the life of a Twilight Widower so that you can feel less alone.

7 a.m.- Wake up. Am asked to analyze my wife's dream, in which I got ran over by Robert Pattinson driving a Volvo.

8 a.m.- After making coffee and failing at trying to make breakfast conversation over the laptop, which my wife is using to check her Twilight blogs, I resign myself to agreeing that yes, Robert Pattinson does look something like a young Salvador Dali. Also, I am reminded (again) that he will be doing a nude scene.

8:15 a.m. - Silently start to compile a list of conversation topics that have nothing to do with Twilight or Robert Pattinson in any way whatsoever. Must remember to try to sneak these into our conversation at some point today.

8:50 a.m.- Wife rushes off to work, telling me that I should have been keeping an eye on the time for her. And why didn't I get her lunch ready?

10:30- I receive yet another e-mail from the wife with more links to the "hilarious" adventures of the Edward Cullen action figures, which other over-30 married women apparently seem to be occupying themselves with instead of taking care of their loved ones.
I am happy that the wife has not yet demanded I buy one for her. (Although, I suspect, it is only a matter of time.)

12 Noon- I begin to wonder if I am starting to resent Robert Pattinson, but I decide no. I return to vandalizing "R-Pattz" pictures on Photoshop.


1:30 p.m.- I get another e-mail from my wife, asking whether I can get a copy of the The Twilight Saga: The Official Guide on my way home.

5:30 p.m. Arrive home. As usual, no dinner. Wife is re-reading entire Twilight saga, and has isolated herself in our bedroom, saying she has "work to do."

7 p.m.- After finishing the dinner and dishes, I poke my head into the bedroom to look in on the wife. She waves me away and makes hissing sounds until I leave.

8 p.m.- It's that time of day, the final check of the blogs. I am accordingly given updates. I treasure these rare moments together.
  • K-Stew was seen using a restaurant washroom and was totally not stuck-up when a fan talked to her in the stall next to her.
  • AshGreene has a dog.
  • PFratt talks to EW magazine, saying "Robert Pattinson is easy to work with." Wow, he is so down to earth.
9 p.m.- Am lonely. Consider asking wife to watch Twilight DVD for 7th time. But then, what will we do on date night? Hmmm...maybe I will play Xbox with the teen.

9:15 p.m.- Kid kicks me off Xbox. Apparently, I "suck" at Halo. Damned complicated controllers.
In my day we had two buttons and we were happy to have them, dammit.

10:30 p.m.- Wife suddenly wants my attention. She wants me to watch a British TV movie starring Robert Pattinson on Youtube. I pour some wine and swallow my pride.

67 comments:

  1. Thanks for making me laugh. (hubby even checked in on me to see if i'm alright).
    Send it to my hubby - guess it's really HIS day.
    Greeting from a TwilightMOM from Holland!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love it! But - you MUST tell me how you got your wife a copy of The Twilight Saga: The Official Guide??? It hasn't been released here yet! Who do you know? How do I get mine NOW?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I can't believe you only have 3 comments! That shit is great - totally right. gave me some prespective to maybe give the hubby some good lovin' compliments of Twilighted...hmm, must go there next - kidding - well, sort of! Hope it gets better for ya....least I cook for my hubby.........will be prayin' for ya bud!

    ReplyDelete
  4. It hasn't been released yet, no. But didn't stop her from asking me to pick it up. :|

    ReplyDelete
  5. At least your wife hasn't dragged you to filming sets to take photos of her Edward doll in front of random ugly buildings while you fumed in the car. hehe.

    I'm definitely sharing your post with my husband tonight -- another excuse to talk about Twilight again!

    -TwiCrack

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm wondering...are you MY husband? Hmmm...you sure sound like him.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks for the chuckle! I emailed my husband you blog...I would like to think I am not that bad...I have read the whole book series...twice so far...now I am listening to the books on CD in my car to and from work...

    ReplyDelete
  8. This is the most funny and true thing ever!!!:)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Pleeeease keep writing these blogs! so many men out there need your support (my husband mostly). Thanks, dude!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Great blog!! My DH will get a laugh out of it, I sure did!
    ...Yikes, I hope I'm not that bad!!?!...

    ReplyDelete
  11. This is great! When I was reading the Twilight Saga for the first time, that was all I talked about to my husband! I could tell he was getting annoyed, but he dealt with it just fine. This is all totally true and I'll definitely have my husband read it. Keep 'em coming!

    ReplyDelete
  12. You rock dude! My Wife and my Sister-in-Law are both on this thing. It was like one day I came home and couldn't find them. It's been like two months now and all I can find are the revolving book that is not being read. They are off reading one of the books or watching the movie somewhere. And now they are passing it around like a drug or a disease and it is infecting all of my friends Wive's. Swine flu has nothing on this twightlight stuff. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thank you for sharing your day with us, this is GREAT!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you for posting!! Hilarious because it's so true! My hubby has been pretty good about dealing with my obsession (do 2 pictures, well 1 is a poster really, of Rob in my office count??). Anyway, I sent my husband the link and hope he enjoys it as well. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  15. LOL! This could have been written by my husband! I do cook dinner, though. But the quality has definitely gone down. It's hard to find time, between watching youtube videos and chatting on IMDb, lol. I'll try to be better. I'm feeling guilty now. I sent my husband the link to this. He should get a real laugh from it. He can relate.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Great blog!!!
    I'm so happy I'm not married or my husband would have left me long ago. I'm guilty of all the points listed but fortunately nobody has to suffer from it =O)

    ANDREA

    ReplyDelete
  17. Seriously I don't get it. You may like a movie or a book a lot and be obsessed about it but being a 30-40 year old woman having a poster from a fiction character is really lame. Think about it and fir gods sake, get real. Enough with the twatlight...
    D

    ReplyDelete
  18. How true!!

    good luck!

    - Fellow twilight widower

    ReplyDelete
  19. ROTFLMAO! Well, Twilightwidower, I thoroughly enjoyed your post. Just wait until November, you might not know you have a wife unless you frequent the local theatre! My sympathies, but I am so glad I'm apparently not alone. I am one of the guilty wives, obsessed with Twilight. I was starting to think I was mentally ill! I am still cooking dinner, but I can't wait for my daughter to go to bed so I can watch Twilight, Youtubes or read one of the books for the umpteenth time. It's my own personal brand of Heroine, I guess. Yikes!

    Sarita

    ReplyDelete
  20. I absolutely love your blog! I am a twifan but not obssessed like I know some people are. Although I do think Rob is super HOT. I was reading this at my friends house and was crying the entire time because it was so funny. I am not really into the blog scene but I think I will have to check back on this one just too funny. Thanks for the laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Wow! It's like...you have invaded my home!!! :O) My husband can so relate...I should show him this, so he won't feel like he is the only one stuck in my Twilight limbo mode, forever in Edward's shadow! :O)
    Now if I could only get him to change his name and sparkle...

    ReplyDelete
  22. Thank God I'm not married or have an 8-5 job. I'd be out of both by now. I just hope my daughter doesn't figure out how to call social services:-)

    ReplyDelete
  23. Your blog is soo awesome! My hubby is surprised there are so many of you "guys" out there. I really have to make more of an effort to be more productive. hm....

    ReplyDelete
  24. You're killing me. This is too funny!

    ReplyDelete
  25. That is the funniest thing I have read in a long, long time!! I'm going to have to forward this to my husband, as he will definitely appreciate your pain! Thanks for tear-inducing laugh today!!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Edward sucks, Twilight sucks...I'm a 20-year-old, it's kind of sad that married women are adicted to Stephenie Meyer's wet dream, instead of trying to make their mariage work.

    I feel your pain! I'm glad my mother isn't a Twitard and now, I know how I'll treat hubby-to-be? =)

    ReplyDelete
  27. Just found your blog and I LOVE IT!!! I made me crack up. I am one of the guilty Twilight obsessed 30+ wives out there. And my poor DH has been woderfully patient with me. Yes, I have hissed at him when he interrupts my reading moments of Robert..um, Edward. Yes, I forget to feed the hubby and kids and do absolutely no housework!!! Oh,I sound awful...but I am not alone!!! Yay! Thanks for writing this blog. I can't wait to show my hubby tonight...after we watch Twilight for the 27th time. ((smile))

    ReplyDelete
  28. Oops, couple of type-o's! Sorry, got excited.
    And I am thankful that I do have a wonderful and strong marriage in spite of this obsession!

    ReplyDelete
  29. So, I can't decide with the number of wives out there that are doing the same thing if it's as wrong as I want it to be, or if it's just something that's so far out of everyone's control. When my addict told me that all these other women were doing the same thing (not doing all the other things they used to)my thought was, 'Well, clearly they're all as wrong as her', but I don't know now. You have given representation to a large number of men. Thank you, and God bless you, or as my addict would say, "Edward bless you"

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hahaha that made me life. And I hate to admit that I totally watched a British TV movie on youtube that starred Robert Pattinson just the other day.

    Your posts crack me up.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Wonderfully written!!

    I am one of those wives, but I can relate to your pain. But the silver lining is since I gave up cooking we are all down 10 lbs!!

    Jaima

    ReplyDelete
  32. you are hilarious. thanks for making me laugh during a dismal day. hang in there buddy

    ReplyDelete
  33. Words cannot express how much I hate this series

    http://theanti-mainstream.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  34. Sounds really bad and I feel really sorry for you. But also for your wife. Does she actually know the whole world wide web is laughing bout her?!?!??

    ReplyDelete
  35. Haha this is funny. But by the way it's PFach not PFatt.

    ReplyDelete
  36. thank
    DivxDepo | Paylaşımın Yeni Adresi.. | Dizi, Film, Divx, Belgesel, Sinema, Anime, Fringe, Kurtlar Vadisi Pusu, indir

    http://www.divxdepo.com

    ReplyDelete
  37. Excellent site. Theme of a site is very nice. Thanks you very much love real admin and boss.. An excellent site is very great Thanks you very much love real admin and boss.
    porno
    porno
    porno
    porno izle
    film izle
    web tasarım

    ReplyDelete
  38. Excellent site. Theme of a site is very nice. Thanks you very much love real admin and boss.. An excellent site is very great Thanks you very much love real admin and boss.
    porno

    ReplyDelete
  39. I love this band! wow can´t believe I found your blog, is really hard to find info about them, maybe you can belive me but I have spent a lot of hours searching on biggest search engines and couldn´t find anything

    ReplyDelete
  40. kötü günümde beni bırakanlara komik video isyankarım ben
    porno şansıma istiyorum
    porn vermezsen verme
    sikişiriz her türlü
    sex izlemeden de olsa. gülmedi talihim

    ReplyDelete
  41. En güzel Porno videoları bu siteden izleyebilir, Porno izle yip 31 çekebilirsiniz. Kesintisiz, reklamsız Sex izle videolarını izleyerek sikiş in tadına varın.
    Bedava sikiş izle
    En sağlam pornolar Free porn adresinde.

    Porn tube
    Porntube xxx
    Watch porn
    Sex hikayeleri
    Porno
    Sikiş

    ReplyDelete
  42. oupsss thanks admin ;)anlat bakalım by cin
    porno ve daha bir çok alanda en iyi kalitede ve sıcak anlar burada sizi bekliyor
    pornolar ve daha bir çok alanda en iyi kalitede ve sıcak anlar burada sizi bekliyor
    porno aslında herşey zamansız ve nedensiz evklerden
    porno doğar siz kendıınızı tanımadıktan sonra kımse sizi tanımaz

    ReplyDelete
  43. oupsss thanks admin ;)anlat bakalım by cin
    porno ve daha bir çok alanda en iyi kalitede ve sıcak anlar burada sizi bekliyor
    pornolar ve daha bir çok alanda en iyi kalitede ve sıcak anlar burada sizi bekliyor
    porno aslında herşey zamansız ve nedensiz evklerden
    porno doğar siz kendıınızı tanımadıktan sonra kımse sizi tanımaz

    ReplyDelete
  44. Nice information, many thanks to the author. It is incomprehensible to me now, but in general, the usefulness and significance is overwhelming. Thanks again and good luck..
    Bollywood Songs

    ReplyDelete
  45. birgun gelecek komik videolar bitmeyecek

    ReplyDelete

All comments welcome. I feel your pain.