Onward and Upward

Firstly, please accept my apologies for the incredibly tardy post. As you can imagine, since
the photos of Robert Pattinson standing shirtless in Italy were released, it has been very difficult for me to get near the computer.

(I thought I could sneak a post in earlier this week, but then - alas - the New Moon trailer came out. Add to that the particularly fine weather we've been having in Vancouver lately, and you can perhaps forgive me for my lapse.)

It was, in fact, the release of the infamous "shirtless photos" that finally tipped me off to some peculiar behaviour my wife had been exhibiting for some time now.

Shortly after the "shirtless pictures" went online, my wife just happened to stop by the local sporting goods store and brought home a set of weights.

"Well, it's summer soon," she said, by way of explanation. "You want to look good for the beach, don't you?" she asked innocently, in between replays of the animated shirtless vid on YouTube.

I became suspicious.

Was I being groomed to look like Edward Cullen?

This wasn't the first time this had happened. Up until a few weeks ago I wouldn’t have guessed how many brands of glitter body paint there are. And I remembered an odd conversation we had a while ago over the dinner table:

"Stare at me."
"What?"
"Stare at me like you want to eat me."
I frowned. She waited patiently.
"No. That just looks constipated."

It's easy to tell if you're being groomed to look like Pretty McSparkle. Pay close attention to your wife's behaviour and you'll soon picked up the pattern:

1. Random gifts of hair gel ("Try putting your hair up for a change, honey.")

2. Signing you up for piano lessons ("You said you wanted a new hobby.")

3. An unusual interest in your skin care routine ("The UV index is too high. here, wear this SPF 50 sunblock. And a hat. And cover your arms up.")

4. Your wardrobe has taken a decidedly… vintage look lately (“It's what all the guys are wearing now, trust me.”)

Honey? Why can't I wear shorts to the beach?

5. You are certain she keeps calling you by a different name (“No, you misheard me… I said “I love you, onward!”)

6. She makes you stand out in the cold for a half-hour before letting you come to bed (“It’ll tighten your pores”)

It may be paranoia on our part, I admit. But just remember, when she pages you at work and you hear “phone call for Mr. Cullen,” odds are it isn’t just a slip on her part…