Monday, June 1, 2009

Onward and Upward

Firstly, please accept my apologies for the incredibly tardy post. As you can imagine, since
the photos of Robert Pattinson standing shirtless in Italy were released, it has been very difficult for me to get near the computer.

(I thought I could sneak a post in earlier this week, but then - alas - the New Moon trailer came out. Add to that the particularly fine weather we've been having in Vancouver lately, and you can perhaps forgive me for my lapse.
)

It was, in fact, the release of the infamous "shirtless photos" that finally tipped me off to some peculiar behaviour my wife had been exhibiting for some time now.

Shortly after the "shirtless pictures" went online,
my wife just happened to stop by the local sporting goods store and brought home a set of weights.

"Well, it's summer soon," she said, by way of explanation. "You want to look good for the beach, don't you?" she asked innocently, in between replays of the animated shirtless vid on YouTube.

I became suspicious.

Was I being groomed to look like Edward Cullen?

This wasn't the first time this had happened. Up until a few weeks ago I wouldn’t have guessed how many brands of glitter body paint there are. And I remembered an odd conversation we had a while ago over the dinner table:


"Stare at me."
"What?"
"Stare at me like you want to eat me."
I frowned. She waited patiently.
"No. That just looks constipated."


It's easy to tell if you're being groomed to look like Pretty McSparkle. Pay close attention to your wife's behaviour and you'll soon picked up the pattern:

1. Random gifts of hair gel ("Try putting your hair up for a change, honey.")


2. Signing you up for piano lessons ("You said you wanted a new hobby.")


3. An unusual interest in your skin care routine ("The UV index is too high. here, wear this SPF 50 sunblock. And a hat. And cover your arms up.")


4. Your wardrobe has taken a decidedly… vintage look lately (“It's what all the guys are wearing now, trust me.”)

Honey? Why can't I wear shorts to the beach?

5. You are certain she keeps calling you by a different name (“No, you misheard me… I said “I love you, onward!”)

6. She makes you stand out in the cold for a half-hour before letting you come to bed (“It’ll tighten your pores”)


It may be paranoia on our part, I admit. But just remember, when she pages you at work and you hear “phone call for Mr. Cullen,” odds are it isn’t just a slip on her part…


122 comments:

  1. Oh my god. Every line I was rolling on the floor laughing. Best post to date.

    In all fairness, I would draw the line at lipstick and AquaNet to hold your bouffant up all day. Though staring at your wife like you want a taste of her or smirking at her (devilishly) could win you brownie points.

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  2. Those are excellent ideas! My boyfriend would know exactly who it was if I called his work and asked for Mr. Cullen. Ha!

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  3. I LOL'ed a few times reading this. Great work again! Luckily for my husband (and me), my husband already has the Edward hair and clothing styles down (pre-Twilight).

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  4. Oh my...I loved everything about your blog! I check it every day when I check Twilight Lexicon! I have been pretty involved with the shirtless Italy pics as well the the new trailer myself, so I know that my husband feels exactly like you!

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  5. Ha, ha, ha! I was crackin' up in the first paragraph! You are HILARIOUS!

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  6. Ah, we missed you Widower. I was wondering how this past week was at your house... personally I have perfected an intense, problem-solving face while I'm on the computer at work. And I can minimize the page as fast as, well, a vampire if someone comes too close to my desk.
    Thanks or the smiles!

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  7. Thanks FOR the smiles.

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  8. LOL! i missed your blog so much mr Widower! well technically not the how-you-resent my-Edward-my-Edward but how your wife and i were so much in the same track... i couldnt count how many times did i said "I love you, Edward" "Onward" later (after he glares at me) to my BF.. and how i'd told him his having hearing problem. LOL and yah! when you guys stare at us.. seriously, you look like your having some poo-poo problem. =)

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  9. LOL.
    You have been miss, my good sir. You have been missed.

    Well, my favorite name recently was "Mr. Sparklypants" as dubbed by one of my all time favorite SSTB commenters, however "Pretty McSparkle" might just take the cake. Personally, I think you should just go for it! Lather yourself up in with some glitter, put a little gel in your hair and stare at your wife like you want to eat her. Cause ya know what!? You might just get a little something out of it. Just sayin'. We Twitards are dirty birds at hearts. ;) Maybe you need to start playing the game.

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  10. This was just too good and made my day. Pretty McSparkle...that's what I shall call him from now on.

    ps. I'm not a twilighter but i have been trying to make my husband more and more like Kevin Spacey for years.

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  11. Pretty McSparkle makes me laugh right out loud!! But let's face it, most of us Twi-obsessed ladies secretly try to make our significant others resemble our favorite vampire in some way, shape or form... I love it - stare at her like you want to eat her! That is just priceless!

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  12. Or...you could rent/buy yourself a Volvo Preferably a C30, drop your wife in the worst part of town, wait until she "almost" gets mugged, roll up in said Shiny Volvo, Growl at perpertrators scaring them silly, speed off at lighting speed and take her out for some mushroom ravioli.
    2 things are going on here: 1- a life threatening situation that you have saved her from...you will reap some benefits for sure, maybe even 2 times.
    2. you now have a shiny volvo to reap the benefits in!

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  13. Hairbrained mom, I am intrigued by your ideas, and would like to subscribe to your newsletter. Seriously, Widower, I think she's on to something here.

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  14. "Pretty McSparkle" has to be the best line in your blog!! LOL!

    Great blog!

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  15. This blog gets more brilliant every time. You are so funny! I read yours and then I forward it to my husband at work. I wish he wrote a blog.

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  16. Pretty McSparkle has made my day!!! we missed you Mr. Widower!!! keep posting... you are hilarious!

    Greetings from Central America!

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  17. I've really missed you! I couldn't keep laughing as I read your last post. I was really, really wishing to know what you would come up with after the shirtless pics floating all over the universe. I think you should make a book of your blog at a later time...

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  18. your blog is hysterical. keep it up. i make my husband read it. for the lol's and to make him feel slightly better that i haven't gone to these extremes. :)

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  19. Yes, you have to add the silver Volvo for sure, along with a small restaurant and mushroom ravioli... Other than that - you got it right, I think :) I've been trying to figure out how to sign my husband up for piano or guitar lessons...

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  20. "Stare at me like you want to eat me." HAHAHAHA!!! W-O-W that is fantastic. I need to remind myself not to read your blog while I am at work. People stare at me funny when I start laughing so hard I snort. That's right I said snort. Anyhow, I have missed your posts. I understand the nice weather though as I live in Seattle. :-) Enjoy it while you can right? Too soon it will be back to grey skies and typical "Twilight" weather. HA!

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  21. It is all so true that is why it is sooo funny. I love your blog, my huband and I read it out loud to our friends for laughs.... keep it up!

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  22. youre a genius, man

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  23. hee hee Mr Widower, your posts crack me up!
    I sent your blog to my "non-Twi" friends and they all nod in agreement as they read it.
    It is true, we have been having beautiful weather here in the 604. 32degrees is very unusual so early in the year. Not complaining tho!
    Keep up the good work!

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  24. Your wife must be so proud that you have a popular Twilight blog!

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  25. Well, I'm posting as nonymous because I run a Twilight site and I don't want all hell to come down on me. But I think you've missed the obvious. I read that the abs on our beloved sparkle boy were in fact air brushed! So if you want to please your wife maybe a little dab of paint,shadow,bronzer -take your pick, experiment- would do the trick. Or perhaps go the opposite direction and join the wolf pack. I have a feeling that wolves will be very in this summer & fall. Treat yourself to a sunless tan - be careful, don't want to go to far and end up like an Oompa-Loompa - and get a tattoo - go for the bubble-gum ones! Jacob too has his very good points and perhaps it will be difficult to look like you're 7 feet tall, but with practice you could shake everytime you loose your patince =) It's worth a try. So I hope this is of some help.

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  26. Oh Pretty McSparkle.
    I read your blog while at work and just so you know, after I LMAO'd at the screen, 3 people came over and I was thisclose to getting in trouble. Dang you & your hysterically witty blog.

    Thanks for the great ideas to change my David to a Daveward. Oh yeahs.

    CHRISTINA

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  27. Ohh you could uptade everyday! I've missed a new entry, but I guess it was worth it.. I laughed soo hard I was breathless!
    Way to go.. it's hilarious.

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  28. I was so waiting for your blog after the shirtless pics came out. I mean Twitter almost froze. It was what my hubby said "The Day the Earth Stood Still". I completely froze on the computer that day. All i heard was "Hunny? Are you Ok? Hunny?" I sent him your link to his e-mail while he was standing there because I could not speak. He went to other computer saw your blog and LHAO. He felt much better Thank-You. We love you keep up the good work. You are hysterical.

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  29. So funny. So glad you're back! I often laugh out loud at work, at the store, driving in my car, when I think of some of the things you've said. Love it!

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  30. "No. That just looks constipated."
    Hahaha, you're great.

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  31. How many times has your wife watched the MTV movie awards??

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  32. this blog is one of the funniest i have ever read :) ...and sadly so true!! a self confessed twihard here. my dear hubby has been wery patient and understanding, he didn't even blink when i told him that i was going to italy with a friend to watch the shoot (we live in finland). so to italy we went and our hubbys took some time off work and watched the children while we were set stalking in montepulciano *lol* and what a trip it was!! omg!!

    so i must say, that it isn't easy being a twi widower...this fandom/addiction/obsession is just plain madness, but we love our dear hubbys for bearing this edward frenzy :)

    and i showed your blog to my better half and he had the biggest grin on his face while reading your posts *lol* so keep them coming :)

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  33. I totally love your blog. It is quite hilarious!!

    I am a big fan of Mr.Cullen himself and yes, my husband can relate to "SOME" things you write (we laugh 2gether when reading the blog)..it just puts a smile on my face and I bet everyother person who can totally relate or not =). I applaud you and all the TWI-WIDOWERS who put up with us...its true love!!!

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  34. I have never, ever read a blog. Much less wrote a blog. You are truly amazing! A complete crack up! Your humor and daily twist help to ease my Twi-Obession! My Pretty McSparkle, aka husband, is certainly not constipated. Unlike Mr. Cullen, he just lacks 90 years of experience. With continued blog support . . . who knows! Rock on Widower!

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  35. Welcome back :) (waves) Had me laughing so much my boss asked was i ok for air gosh! Well id give any man in Ireland fact 50 it might cure d awful farmers tans being sported l8ly

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  36. Welcome back, Widower! We've missed you.

    Love the 'Pretty McSparkle' comment. I have a feeling you'll be seeing that reference all over the web within the next few days.

    Thanks for the laughs and keep it coming!

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  37. *snort* Once again, you have me rolling, love the "stare at me" part! LOLOL!

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  38. My SO did attempt the "stare" last night! OOh lala! Too bad the kids were home, his boat would've definitely been rockin'! Thump, thump, thump! Keep it comin' Twi-Widower!
    "I love you, Onward!"

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  39. Well, I must admit I have been checking your site EVERY STINKING DAY, waiting for your response to the "shirtless" pics! I wasn't prepared for the weights or the stare or the "phone call for Mr. Cullen." I can't help but wonder how many men would actually beat you to the phone! Lol!!!!! You are priceless!!!

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  40. LOL that was a hilarious post =D u made my day.. hahaha

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  41. You need to post about everyones new obsession with Taylor Lautner since he's obviously more than just a little kid now. It's like scoring a point for your team! I've seen friends "playing for both teams" now when before he was nothing but a dog.

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  42. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  43. i love this blog. and i am guilty of liking twilight, but i openly admit that it encourages psychotic behavior. thanks for all the laughs!

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  44. @Anonymous June 7th: Spare me your homophobic rants. And for the love of God learn to spell.

    Deleted.

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  45. One day the truth will come out!! YOU are the true Edward Cullen fan, and there is no wifey is there? Let's see some proof mi amigo.

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  46. Out of all your posts (and I must say I enjoy them all) THIS post is my favorite - maybe because every single thing you blogged that your wife did, I've done to my own husband ;-) Keep on writing, your incredible!

    Melissa -

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  47. You have literally the most hilarious blog out there! My husband is a Twilight Widower and yet I can't help but crack up at every single post. You could charge money for this stuff!! LOL

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  48. I am an obessed fan. My boyfriend says Im an eleven year old girl. He also calls Pretty McSparkle, Wall eyes and Five head. But we both think your blog is super funny. I check it everyday and it makes me laugh. Love it!

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  49. Aw man! Your wife has gone so far?? that is just sick..
    ok, I understand her love for all things twilight and rpatzz, but not to this level!

    Well, what can I say... the best luck to you and
    may the Forse be with you!

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  50. Sir- you are elusive!!! I need to see if I can get the approval to use your picture of Twilight in the trash can... I'm writing a post about your blog for my Examiner page...

    Can you contact me asap?

    -Kim
    Twilight Moonlighter aka Pillow Biters
    aka Twilight Parents Examiner

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  51. @Kim: By all means yes! use it and any other image from this blog with my full approval. I stole them all anyway. ;)

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  52. I made my "I refuse to read Twilight because my wife is insane" hubby read this post...even he cracked a smile at pretty mcsparkle! Love it!

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  53. 'pretty mcsparkle'

    that is gold.

    ha! you're hilarious.

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  54. Bravo Twi-Widower! You're back with a vengence(you have been missed). Loved your latest post and can't help but snort every time.
    So...umm... hairgel, piano lessons, Sunblock 50+, new vintage wardrobe, "paging Mr.Cullen" and my personal favorite "standing in the cold before coming into bed".
    Tell me your not serious. Please tell me that it hasn't gotten that bad... please.

    The things you do for your wife..nothing short of classic.
    You truly took your vows to heart ;)

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  55. just be thankfull that twilight did not come around when you a teenager. teenagae boys are far easier to manipulate... seriously, with a six week course of intense twilight treatment, you can actually brainwash them to WANT to be like edward, and with 10 weeks they start to forget that you're thinking of another man. its much easier to teach new tricks to a puppy....

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  56. Equating teenage boys to puppies... Ouch!
    (Now I know that wasn't a reference to my boy Jake!)
    Better hide the choke collars...

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  57. Dear Twidower,

    Since I cannot find an email address for you on this lovely blog, I decided to simply leave a comment for you.

    Firstly, I would like to say your tack and grace while dealing with all us nutters is amazing and commendable. After the douche baggery of Mr. Bradley "the pig" Turner and his post yesterday, I would like to say, that you sir are appreciated.

    You are a productive, funny, witty, clever, amazing addition to the Twilight community, for you make fun of us while joining in on all the madness with grace and acceptance.

    And sir, for that, I will forever be a follower.

    cuteangiek

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  58. Dude you are my hero. I love the twilight series but Edward is a MORON!!!!!!!!!! and Robert is not hot AT ALL. End of story. I don't see why everyone loves him.

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  59. Thank you thank you thank you!! i thank you from the bottom of my heart for making me laugh harder than I have in weeks and allowing my poor husband to understand how he is not the only one. Thank God other adult women are retardedly smitten with this stuff like me, I was beginning to believe I had restarted puberty and was gonna fall in love with Corey Hart all over again. please keep up your writing, this is one I will read daily if possible. Just mention Robert pattinson in all your blogs and it will show up on my obsessive blog searches I carry out every two hours.

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  60. In case you haven't seen, I finally decided I couldn't let you go on without a shout out- thanks for the authorization! ;)

    http://www.examiner.com/x-13198-Twilight-Parents-Examiner~y2009m6d9-Twilight-Widower-Blogger-gains-instant-popularity

    Keep up the good work! Oh and post something new so I can snark it up!

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  61. You. Are my idol.

    Please come in out of the cold and post some more.

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  62. This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time! You could be my poor husband! I am 36 and live in Washington state and my poor kids and husband are suffering! I don't think there is a cure for the Twilight sickness! I to would have posters up if I could get away with it! HA HA HA HA! Good luck with your wife!

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  63. I died laughing. def sending this link to my husband who's had to endure tons of Twilight-ness this past year. He's been forced to watch it with me 5 times at least, one time it was with commentary.

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  64. Hi Twi Widower,
    So I don't know about your wife, but I drive my husband crazy with my photoshopping myself into photos with Rob P. Does she do that? Would love to send you the latest photo I made. My husband is ready to call the psych ward. Can I send it to you? Lee

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  65. WHERE ARE YOU? PLEASE UPDATE!

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  66. Pretty McSparkle....LMAO as usual. You're definitely my brand of heroin.

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  67. You are soo funny. Please check out my blog desperatetwilightfans.blogspot.com. xxx

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  68. You are so ridiculously funny, I find myself literally laughing out loud at your blogs. Although I laugh, I'm also fearing of my own sanity, I see many of these traits shown by your wife in myself... god help me hahaha!
    Also, uh, where are you?! I'm impatiently awaiting an update!

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  69. This is funny! Watch out. Rob Pattinson is sporting a baseball cap in NYC these days. You might just get one for Father's Day. Thanks for the laugh.

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  70. I have officially found the funniest blog ever - I'm laughing so hard my son wants to know what's funny !!!

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  71. hate to tell you this but life is gonna get a lot worse for you. If you haven't already seen the new "stare collage" at people.com check it out. I know that your wife has ;/
    http://www.people.com/people/package/video/0,,20283823_20285422,00.html
    Sorry Twi-widower hope you have a 2nd TV

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  72. oop! I meant Computer ;)

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  73. You've just made my day! I almost couldn't finish reading with all the pauses to LOL. I LOVE THIS!!!! Keep it up.

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  74. I loved this post. So glad I happened upon your blog. It is hilarious.
    I do my best to NOT do any of this stuff to my hubby. But the "staring" part - can't say I haven't THOUGHT of it.

    Had me in tears!

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  75. Vampires have been historically sexy and zombies...not so much lol.

    Hilarious post!

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  76. I just stumbled across you're site!!! This is the funniest thing ever!! I couldn't stop reading or laughing!!!

    Thanks for sharing you're twilight woes. :)

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  77. Why haven't I found this blog before???
    I Google EVERYTHING Twilight!
    Very Funny...
    You are so much more entertaining than the grunts and grumbles of my cousin's husband... Since I am the family stylist, I have been commissioned to turn her hubby into Edward! LOL! I feel bad, because she caught OeCD from me... My pastor’s daughter started it all and now: We are an army of wives, girlfriends, and single moms Twi-stalking @ Comic-con and movie Premieres. I do feel bad for the Twi-widowers -I'll send them your way. They need the support!

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  78. "I love you, onward!" best coverup ever.

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  79. I loved this post. So glad I happened upon your blog. It is hilarious.

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    Hadi hadi diye daha fazlasını istiyordu, elimle sessiz işareti yaptım... Bir elimle göğüslerini avuçlarken tertemiz amına iyi bi kökledim... Kendinden geçmişti, beş on dakika tempolu bir şekilde girmeye devam ettim... hd porno ile bacaklarının arasına boşaldım, saate baktım çekimin süresi doluyordu..
    Hemen birlikte giyindik, saçını başını topladı ve birkaç kare çekip ofise verdim. Nalan'la hala takılıyoruz, bomba bir hatun... porno izleyebilirsiniz. Ev boş kaldıkça Nalan'ı es geçmiyoruz :) Bizi bilen biliyor, İstanbul'da piyasa bizden sorulur... Görülmek üzere...

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