Saturday, May 9, 2009

It's All Right Now. In Fact, It's a Gas.


Turns out, not everything about Edward draws you in.

As a Twilight Widower, you may sometimes find yourself wondering how you stack up next to Edward Cullen. This is natural - after all, your wife does it all the time.

Inevitably, once you get started down this road, you will feel inadequate in comparison. Edward seems to have it all: he's stronger than you, richer than you, and, quite likely, better looking too.

But there's one area at least where we share a common frailty. Flatulence.

Hear me out.

After some extensive research (i.e. googling 'Edward+Cullen+Fart') I unearthed a compelling argument that proves, conclusively, that Edward Cullen does indeed fart.

I cite, in my defense, a blog called Normal Mormon Husbands. NMH did his own extensive research (i.e. Wikipedia) into the science of flatulence. Then, by rigorously testing some well thought out hypotheses (i.e. wild-assed guessing), he surmised, conclusively, that a vampire can indeed pass wind.

Here is NMH's reasoning:

According to Wikipedia, Nitrogen makes up 20%-90% of the gas that is released during flatulence. Edward's diet consists of blood, which contains Nitrogen. Therefore, every time that Edward drinks blood he is ingesting Nitrogen, which will continue to build up in his body until it is somehow released. Edward, therefore, would most likely pass gas in order to release the excess Nitrogen building up within him.


Now, while I know this news will be of great comfort to my Twi-Widower brothers - at last, an Achilles Heel! - I must caution you against gleefully bringing this to the wife's attention.

Your wife will defend Edward regardless of the scientific evidence. Even if you can convince her that Edward is capable of farting, she will insist that, being the consummate gentleman, he would refrain from doing so in a woman's presence, using his superhuman control to suppress his gastric discomfort.

It's an argument you can't win. Better to keep this to ourselves, as a small nugget of solace we can hold on to during our darkest, loneliest hours. This blog's purpose isn't to bash Edward; it's to provide support for my fellow Tw'idowers as we cope with the loss of our SO's. Brothers, take heart. The next time you feel like you can't compete with a figment of Stephanie Meyer's imagination, remember that even he can't pass up a chance to pass gas.

106 comments:

  1. Just found this blog. LMAO. I'm not attached, nor am I a male, but I enjoy reading this blog.
    Your posts are hilarious.

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  2. hahahaha i cant stop laughing u r hilarious !!!
    its amazing Love it :)
    u made my day

    ReplyDelete
  3. Love it - the logic is infallible - who knew?! May I request you apply the same process to... uh...*nudge wink*..."Esme Isle", please?
    :)

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  4. every time i think you couldn't make me laugh any harder, you do. i think my husband is enjoying my nightly update of your posts as opposed to new moon updates.

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  5. I'll see your gassy vampire, your logic is impeccable, and raise you one gassy warewolf. Considering the mass quantities of food that the Quileutes eat (they appear to be especially fond of eggs), as well as chowing raw animals... Wouldn't you think that they would be even MORE flatulent? Bella sure knows how to pick the stinky guys, doesn't she?

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  6. He may pass gas, but since there is no food breaking down in his system at least it won't smell! The thing about human guys, is you all fart stinky, often and you think it's funny. All of those things are a turn off. There was a reason when you first dated you're, now, S.O. that you left the room before farting.

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  7. At least Edward has one flaw! Enjoying the posts and the camaraderie! I am not alone.

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  8. So, I guess I am the crazed women in all of these scenarios but i can't help but laugh with every blog entry, knowing that we are, indeed out of our minds.

    I'm afraid its not a phase, do keep writing because this might be my once shot at redeeming myself.

    brilliant,

    ReplyDelete
  9. as another crazy woman, I would really like to know how you managed to print a copy of Midnight Sun?? With such a copy, I could read Bella's thought ALONG WITH Edward's...

    arghhhh

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh. My. GAWD!!!!
    As a 39 year old cougar, I just discovered Twilight last weekend. Unfortunately, that stupid Young Adult novel grabbed me by the boobs and yanked me into the very pits of hormone-ridden-teenage-angst HELL, and I ran to Target the day after a 24 hour reading spree and purchased the next three books in the series, AND THE DAMN MOVIE, and ignored my husband and sons for the past 7 days, fully ensconced in Twilightville. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, but THANKS FOR THE PERSPECTIVE. I almost made my poor mate a Twilight Widower.

    Um...I watched the stupid movie three times in the last week. That's just, er, sick? Yeah. Definitely an illness.

    You are freaking hysterical - keep on posting. Oh, and I am so with you on the Darth Vader thing. No one, and I mean NO ONE, can f*ck with Anakin Skywalker aka Darth Vader. He is the Master of the Universe. Cullen would be putty in his hands, robotic though they may be. I'm certain a light saber could slice through marble.

    But Cullen is prettier. I'm like a magpie when it comes to sparkles.

    Sigh.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I have become as addicted to your blog as I did the books! I can't stop reading it-you are hysterical and as embarrassed as I am to say-you are also right.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I actually found your blog on another blog and loved it. You had me laughing so hard I was in tears!! Keep up the awesome work and thanks for making my day.......you have inspired me to start a blog of my own odd and awkward twijourney!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I found this blog the other day and I love it, you are very funny. I wonder if Stephanie Meyer's husband went through the same "Five stages of Twilight-Widower-Grief" when she was writing these books? And this would have been before they found Rob Pattinson.....

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  14. OMG this is the best blog ever. I totally pimped you on my post just now....not that I have a Twilight blog. Called Inappropriate Twilight Obsession. That my husband just found out about tonight because my 8 year old squealed.

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  15. My husband says when Edward farts - it sparkles!

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  16. hahahahahah... i couldn't stop LMAO!!! hahaha..

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  17. LOL Your blog is great. My husband has been hearing my daily updates of all things Twilight and now I can finally update him on an aspect of it that he finds funny (and relatable) Keep up the good work, This is great stuff really

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  18. Veger1 - sounds like you have your own swoon worthy line lines ".. let me be whoever you desire, sweetie !!!"

    That is about as good as something - anything from Edward Cullen.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I nearly died from oxygen deprivation reading your blogs - I haven't laughed so much in ages!

    Thanks - I do love Edward Cullen, but I can feel your pain too.

    ReplyDelete
  20. B
    R
    A
    V
    O

    (off to have my Ed Cullen fix for the night ;p gasses don't make it through the TV screen...)

    Please don't give up on us. We might be dazzled but you are just too much fun !!

    ReplyDelete
  21. i LOVE your blog. its hilarious...

    i do too love the twilight saga BUT i'm not overly obsessive or anything. i do update him adn tell him things that i saw on newmoonmovie.org or something but thats about it.

    but anyway i just thought this was funny because my boyfriend is obsessed with transformers and he was like good now you can't make fun of me for loving & knowing every line to the original 80's transformers movie.

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  22. hilarious and still a vaild argument! hahahaha

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  23. Edward doesn't fart...

    He Farkles.

    ReplyDelete
  24. It's spelt "Stephenie Meyer", not Stephanie Meyer. AWESOME blog by the way.

    ReplyDelete
  25. The theory sounds logical. But since Edward doesn't ever have to go to the bathroom, why would he have to fart? Farting is tied in with digestion. Blood also contains water, but you never hear about him having to go pee.

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  26. But when he farts it smells like sunshine and rainbows...so that's okay.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Did she file for divorce??? Where the hell have you been TWA?? I rely on your wit to keep my husband off my ass.... : )

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  28. Please don't give up on us. We might be dazzled but you are just too much fun !!
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  29. http://twilightwidower.blogspot.com/2009/04/requiem-for-twilight-widower.html

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  32. I'll see your gassy vampire, your logic is impeccable, and raise you one gassy warewolf. Considering the mass quantities of food that the Quileutes eat (they appear to be especially fond of eggs), as well as chowing raw animals... Wouldn't you think that they would be even MORE flatulent? Bella sure knows how to pick the stinky guys, doesn't she?

    ReplyDelete
  33. This is a sharing amazing. Nice page thanx admin.

    ReplyDelete
  34. My husband is in the same boat. He appreciates that you have the nerve to write this for other people to see. He suffers in silence.

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    Thanks for this blog. It has helped him come to terms with the fact I want him to sparkle in the sun and give me impossible things and I blame it on him that he can't. He should just try harder, Edward Would.

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  35. I once had for house cleaning and sex has gone to Edward Cullen

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