Friday, May 15, 2009

Knowing When To Step In


A few days ago, my wife seemed really depressed. She was downright inconsolable. I was worried; did our cat die? Had our son decided to become a musician?

"It's awful," she said, trying to keep a brave face. "This is the last day Robert Pattinson is filming in Vancouver."

"Oh. Is that all? I thought it was something important."

Even as I said it, I knew that was the wrong thing to say. As she stormed out of the kitchen, grumbling about how I just didn't get it, I began to wonder if maybe she was too deep into her Twilight obsession.

Does your partner have a Twilight addiction?
There is a distinct difference between a harmless past-time and a full-blown addiction. For example, the way you keep baseball cards or can recite the entire script of the Empire Strikes Back is just a hobby and is in no way obsessive or sad. On the other hand, when you Significant Other has a large collection of Edward Cullen memorabilia and can quote line-for-line the movie Twilight is obviously an out-of-control obsession.

But do not jump to conclusions. There are some signs that your lady's "passing interest" in the blood-sucking glitter-boy may have passed into the realm of addiction:

  • Extreme hyperactivity; excessive talkativeness, particularly involving 23-year old English actors.
  • Change in overall attitude / personality. ("Did she just squeal like a 13-year-old girl?")
  • Changes in friends: new hang-outs (Twilight Blogs), avoidance of old crowd (non-Twilight fans), new friends (Twilight bloggers).
  • Change in activities; loss of interest in things that were important before (i.e., You).
  • Difficulty in paying attention; forgetfulness (Remember: Adding the words "Robert Pattinson" into your conversation randomly will help keep her focused).
  • Defensiveness, temper tantrums, resentful behavior ("I cooked for the first 14 years of this marriage! It's your turn!").
  • Unexplained silliness or giddiness.
  • Excessive need for privacy; keeps door locked or closed, won't let people in.
  • Possession of Twilight paraphernalia.



Is it time for an intervention?
If you have come to the realization that your SO is exhibiting some or all of these signs, it is important to know the steps toward staging a successful intervention.

Plan it out.
Go to the people around her or and speak to them privately about the idea of an intervention. You want the people closest to her, who care about her, and who she cares about as well. If it helps, tell them you are planning a surprise party and there will be cake.

If your SO doesn’t care about the people confronting her, it won’t work. She has to respect these people, and value their opinions. (It might not be a good idea to invite your mother.) It is also important to ascertain these people are not also closet Twilight Addicts. Inviting them to the intervention may undermine you efforts.

Try to keep the number in single digits, if you can. A more intimate group will be more effective. It also has to be clear that this intervention is a surprise, to keep the addict from avoiding the situation (please keep in mind, however, that it is inappropriate to ask intervention members to hide and then yell "surprise" when the addict arrives).

Prepare in advance.
The group should meet beforehand to lay out how they will approach the addict and what they will say to her. Taunting songs such as “Edward isn't real, nah nah nah nah nah” are not recommended.

Treatment options should be researched in advance, so that help can be suggested and offered immediately. This may be difficult, since established Twilight addiction services are not available at present.

Be careful during the intervention.
Keep the atmosphere positive. You want the addict to know you are here to help, not to blame. Yes, you may have gone to bed alone for the past eight months, and you're doubtless upset that the children now call Robert Pattinson “our new Daddy,” but a confrontational attitude will only make her more defensive. DO NOT insult or berate Edward Cullen. Any headway you may have made up to this point will be lost.

Take immediate action.
Following the intervention, the addict will either admit that her obsession with Twilight is beyond her control, or deny it. If she admits it, escort her to her stash of Stephenie Meyers books, help her pack it all into a trash bag, and dispose of it promptly. If she denies it, unfortunately, your intervention has failed. Cook her a nice batch of mushroom ravioli instead (see last post).

This is an ideal time to strike.
If ever there was a time to stage an intervention, it is now. Filming for the New Moon movie is coming to a close, which will make the Robert Pattinson updates less frequent. As well, there are no new Twilight books on the horizon, and she has read all four books (and the accompanying unpublished manuscript) at least eight times. Just as she has grown tired of your ability to belch the alphabet, she is bound to grow sick of these books

Be patient
Perseverance is the watchword of all Twi-Widowers. Addiction cannot be beaten overnight. She must be ready to stop. Guilt, ultimatums or bargaining will not work. Just remember: while Edward Cullen may be immortal and will always look good, Robert Pattinson will not.


Robert Pattinson - 2009


Robert Pattinson - 2013



109 comments:

  1. OMG! you really call my day! im now laughing to death! LOL! ahahahhaa cant stop it! oh my gosh! (teary eyes) im a twi-addict! and im not ready to be treated! not now not ever!

    ReplyDelete
  2. That was like OMG! so funny! I see your point! you should check out my blog, http://twilightorphans.blogspot.com/
    My Friends and mom have the same problemo!

    ReplyDelete
  3. LOL!! Just wait until your wife figures out they're going to start shooting Eclipse in August...

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've been reading all your posts and thought I'd take the time to tell you they make my day. Unfortunantly my husband doesn't think they're funny yet! LOL, I think he's still in the denial phase. Please keep it up.

    ReplyDelete
  5. OMG, I haven't stopped laughing for 10 minutes. You are absolutely awesome and this your blog is priceless. Keep it coming!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Absolutely love your blog. So funny. I was not aware that there are actually married women out there going that crazy about Edward/RP/Twilight... things have gotten out of hand haven't they??
    Keep positive, time will heal it all and make it fade away. I was absolutely obsessed when I started reading the Saga, but finally managed to focus on other things in life again..

    ReplyDelete
  7. When I saw the pix at the end I almost died! That is tooo freakin' funny. And all but true. However I will continue my own obsession, because there is still fanfic out there to read which for now, fills the need. Keep up the awesome blogs......love reading them. You also helped inspire me, along with Twitarded to start my own.

    See your wife in Twi-hab!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Love your blog :)

    Let's just hope that your wife sticks to blogs because if she gets a wiff of fan fiction *rolls eyes* she's a gonner, you'll never get her back. =T

    ReplyDelete
  9. the. most. awesome. stuff. ever!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dear Widower... Do you have any single friends? I know I have this T-Addiction, but have no S/O to really care about me and attempt any intervention. That kind of makes me sad... I need a T-Widoser-To-Be!!!

    Great blog by the way... you lift my spirits!

    ReplyDelete
  11. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  12. "Change in activities; loss of interest in things that were important before (i.e., You)"

    aw that sucks, in time it will pass but as a fellow twi-addict i gotta say an intervention wont work, i wish my friends would try... now THAT would be funny. love you blog as always, keep 'em comin they make my day lol

    ReplyDelete
  13. @ SharonMacross: I personally liked Emmett's evil squirrel story.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hate to burst your bubble, but Edward will NEVER look like Keith Richards because, duh, he is a vampire and won't get all old, craggy, and living dead looking. Love your blog! My hubby sympathizes.

    ReplyDelete
  15. ummmm...so you need to add a couple things to your list for the guys.

    after said (attempted) intervention the hubs need to:

    1. prepare to sleep alone for real for some time.

    2. wear protective gear to intervention

    And what do you do about withdrawls because dude, this is gonna get ugly.

    really ugly.

    the shakes

    lack of sleep

    irritability

    loss of friends

    crying

    sneaking off

    yeah, good luck with this one bb.

    i think my TW is smarter than this...

    ReplyDelete
  16. Frickin' brilliant!!!
    You guys are like, my heroes...I don't believe in anything you say as I am pleasantly addicted to Twilightdom and RPattz...but you're still my heros of funny!

    ReplyDelete
  17. OK -She should perk up on tuesday, wednesday- possibly all week. RP will be in Cannes and he will be in front of the camera looking all sexed up no doubt..so be nice to her...you just might score on those days BIG TIME..if ..she leaves her computer..laptops are better - can be brought into bedroom.ha.
    and as you can see - if her obsession is now onto RP..he will be doing many movies in the next few years..so this catatonic state will not last long. And it appears that every country is Twilight crazy..so if you need to whisk her away after intervention and try to go somewhere not exposed to twilight - I suggest you make lots of money and try to get inline for a flight to space...and just hope the in-flight movie isn't you know what.

    ReplyDelete
  18. It has been a LONG time since I laughed so hard at something so unexpectedly funny that tears formed in the outer corners of my eyes and threatened to fall!!!

    When I got to the pictures at the end of this blog, I lost it - - thank you!! ha ha haaaa!!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. The problem with your intervention is that I have read it, and I have been forewarned!!! *Evil laugh* I shall never admit to it! NEVER!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHA

    ReplyDelete
  20. lmao
    as always you crack me up!
    btw my friends did try an intervention with me... didn't work n 2 of them are now Twi-addicts like me =)

    ReplyDelete
  21. "For example,the way you keep baseball cards or can recite the entire script of the Empire Strikes Back is just a hobby and is in no way obsessive or sad. On the other hand, when your Significant Other has a large collection of Edward Cullen memorabilia and can quote line-for-line the movie Twilight is obviously an out-of-control obsession."

    How is this not the SAME thing?!?! If being able to quote Twilight line-for-line is an out-of-control obsession then the ability to recite the ENTIRE script of The Empire Strikes Back can be classified as an out-of-control obsession.

    Pot, meet Kettle.

    ....looks to me like someone is in the denial stage of own obsessions.

    ReplyDelete
  22. So Rpattz is gonna look like Keith Richards in 4 years? RP is gonna have to smoke a lot of cigs.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Nutter! You have a couple of months and then ECLIPSE will start filming.

    I actually tasted sick in my mouth seeing the Keith Richards photo - YUCK, double yuck. No friggin way Jose.. Doesn't count because Keith Richards was never good looking.

    Good luck! haha

    ReplyDelete
  24. .
    too, too funny.

    true laugh-out-loud and almost spit-out-coffee funny.

    .

    ReplyDelete
  25. You know, some people (me) think Keith Richards is still sexy. And I happen to believe that Rob Pattinson will get better with age, if the period between Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Twilight is any indication.

    I think we Twihards need to stage an intervention with the Widowers' to relieve them of the notion that they'll ever win. Ever.

    Maybe, TW, you can convince Rob Pattinson to personally appeal to each of us to let go of our addictions? Please?

    ReplyDelete
  26. Love your blog; it makes me laugh out love. As a single woman, I sometimes wonder if my crush on George Clooney will get in the way of a meaningful relationship. It's amazing what you put with, you must really love your wife!
    If you ever want to retaliate, why not form a mini obsession with Emma Watson, Hermione of Harry Potter fame? When re-watching the series, you can take particular delight in R. Pattison's death scene in Goblet of Fire. Just a suggestion.

    ReplyDelete
  27. You're so creative and funny! I'll keep watching for new posts. Unortunately for you, and as many people have already commented, the filming of Eclipse is just around the corner and there's bound to be a ton of pics about Cannes and the filming in Italy. Actually, the Cannes ones have already started. And - I don't know about you but .. I'm wayyyy older than Pattinson, so I will be the one looking ugly long before he does. He's going to be there till I die! And if he gets even better good-looking with age, like Depp and Clooney...sigh...

    ReplyDelete
  28. I was going to ask you if you were actually MY husband until I got to the end. That was just wrong. So so wrong.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Oh dear,
    I hope your wives don't discover http://twilightcontinues.blogspot.com/

    Oops, did I say that out loud?
    Love from Holland!

    ReplyDelete
  30. I just wanted to say how funny i thought you were. i lways get a good chuckle when i read your blog, i love it. my BFF probably needs a membership, he cant deal with my twi-session

    ReplyDelete
  31. Love the blog, following as of right now! :0)

    ReplyDelete
  32. Your blog cracks me up, however in response to your crack at rpattz getting old i have made a vid for you to enjoy giving us a better look at how he will look at around 50. Check it out on www.twithinkso.blogspot.com

    Gasp in horror, it's not all twilight!!!

    (And you think your wife is Robsessed)

    ReplyDelete
  33. ROFL

    (by God... will he ever... ugh...)

    ReplyDelete
  34. This blog is hysterical...I laughed seriously out loud at the age progression pics!

    btw, thank you for using that photo of Rob "today"...I have to go look at that again
    :)

    ReplyDelete
  35. Giggling my ass off, again, at your posts.

    Hey! All hope is not lost!New Moon shines on November 20, 2009!
    Halloween is coming in the distant future and ... you know... how merchandisers love to sell items related to Vampires.
    Maybe all you Edward haters with S/O's who can pick up a one of a kind Edward mask.
    Then every woman can love the cold-one himself in their very own bed. See? and you all thought
    that romance in the bedroom had to stop ;)

    ReplyDelete
  36. KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKk....Oh I like you so much, but I'm sorry that Rob will be perfect for more then only 4 years!!!! Kisses from Brasil

    ReplyDelete
  37. Love your blog. Love the pics at the end; although I don't think Rob could smoke enought cigs to look that bad (he'd have to do 40 yrs. of hard drugs and liquor as well!) Do any men read your blog? Just wondering b/c it seems all the comments are from us: the twiaddicted women :(

    ReplyDelete
  38. Sorry. Too much jaw porn circulating the net. We need to counteract your Intervention tactics:

    http://pillowbiters.blogspot.com/2009/05/is-your-significant-other-planning.html

    ReplyDelete
  39. @Belladawn - good luck with your blog. The upside to being a Twi-Orphan is that your mom has less time for adult supervision. Use your freedom wisely.

    @Twihexed - Twi-hab - what a great idea. I can only hope the authorities act quickly to establish such services. They are desperately needed.

    @Angel - All good points, especially the protective gear.

    @Twithinkso - A good start, but haven't you forgotten the sagging cheeks? The liver spots? The inevitable Marlon Brando style weight gain? These things are inevitable. Inevitable I tell you.

    @Pillow Biter - Can't we just keep this our little secret?

    ReplyDelete
  40. hmmm..... robert Patinson isnt the only one importnat to us....i mean i have Taylor Lautner, Kellan Lutz, Jackson Rathbone, everyone on my wall shrine! Team Jacob bay-bay

    ReplyDelete
  41. No more books, huh? In that case, check out Stephenie Meyer's website.(www.stepheniemeyer.com) She's working on the 5th book as we speak. And Midnight Sun is nothing but Edward! Get ready for the next wave!

    ReplyDelete
  42. I love your blog. You are hilarious! I'm adding you to my google reader!

    ReplyDelete
  43. so frickin funny..my husband ( a widower) linked me to this site.. I admit I'm robsessed and not willing to change that at all..he's dealing with it..luv this blog <3

    ReplyDelete
  44. Wooo I never saw something so funny

    ReplyDelete
  45. You are such a gifted writer...do a book!!

    Regards from southern Mexico.

    ReplyDelete
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