A few days ago, my wife seemed really depressed. She was downright inconsolable. I was worried; did our cat die? Had our son decided to become a musician?
"It's awful," she said, trying to keep a brave face. "This is the last day Robert Pattinson is filming in Vancouver."
"Oh. Is that all? I thought it was something important."
Even as I said it, I knew that was the wrong thing to say. As she stormed out of the kitchen, grumbling about how I just didn't get it, I began to wonder if maybe she was too deep into her Twilight obsession.
Does your partner have a Twilight addiction?
There is a distinct difference between a harmless past-time and a full-blown addiction. For example, the way you keep baseball cards or can recite the entire script of the Empire Strikes Back is just a hobby and is in no way obsessive or sad. On the other hand, when you Significant Other has a large collection of Edward Cullen memorabilia and can quote line-for-line the movie Twilight is obviously an out-of-control obsession.
But do not jump to conclusions. There are some signs that your lady's "passing interest" in the blood-sucking glitter-boy may have passed into the realm of addiction:
- Extreme hyperactivity; excessive talkativeness, particularly involving 23-year old English actors.
- Change in overall attitude / personality. ("Did she just squeal like a 13-year-old girl?")
- Changes in friends: new hang-outs (Twilight Blogs), avoidance of old crowd (non-Twilight fans), new friends (Twilight bloggers).
- Change in activities; loss of interest in things that were important before (i.e., You).
- Difficulty in paying attention; forgetfulness (Remember: Adding the words "Robert Pattinson" into your conversation randomly will help keep her focused).
- Defensiveness, temper tantrums, resentful behavior ("I cooked for the first 14 years of this marriage! It's your turn!").
- Unexplained silliness or giddiness.
- Excessive need for privacy; keeps door locked or closed, won't let people in.
- Possession of Twilight paraphernalia.
Is it time for an intervention?
If you have come to the realization that your SO is exhibiting some or all of these signs, it is important to know the steps toward staging a successful intervention.
Plan it out.
Go to the people around her or and speak to them privately about the idea of an intervention. You want the people closest to her, who care about her, and who she cares about as well. If it helps, tell them you are planning a surprise party and there will be cake.
If your SO doesn’t care about the people confronting her, it won’t work. She has to respect these people, and value their opinions. (It might not be a good idea to invite your mother.) It is also important to ascertain these people are not also closet Twilight Addicts. Inviting them to the intervention may undermine you efforts.
Try to keep the number in single digits, if you can. A more intimate group will be more effective. It also has to be clear that this intervention is a surprise, to keep the addict from avoiding the situation (please keep in mind, however, that it is inappropriate to ask intervention members to hide and then yell "surprise" when the addict arrives).
Prepare in advance.
The group should meet beforehand to lay out how they will approach the addict and what they will say to her. Taunting songs such as “Edward isn't real, nah nah nah nah nah” are not recommended.
Treatment options should be researched in advance, so that help can be suggested and offered immediately. This may be difficult, since established Twilight addiction services are not available at present.
Be careful during the intervention.
Keep the atmosphere positive. You want the addict to know you are here to help, not to blame. Yes, you may have gone to bed alone for the past eight months, and you're doubtless upset that the children now call Robert Pattinson “our new Daddy,” but a confrontational attitude will only make her more defensive. DO NOT insult or berate Edward Cullen. Any headway you may have made up to this point will be lost.
Take immediate action.
Following the intervention, the addict will either admit that her obsession with Twilight is beyond her control, or deny it. If she admits it, escort her to her stash of Stephenie Meyers books, help her pack it all into a trash bag, and dispose of it promptly. If she denies it, unfortunately, your intervention has failed. Cook her a nice batch of mushroom ravioli instead (see last post).
This is an ideal time to strike.
If ever there was a time to stage an intervention, it is now. Filming for the New Moon movie is coming to a close, which will make the Robert Pattinson updates less frequent. As well, there are no new Twilight books on the horizon, and she has read all four books (and the accompanying unpublished manuscript) at least eight times. Just as she has grown tired of your ability to belch the alphabet, she is bound to grow sick of these books
Perseverance is the watchword of all Twi-Widowers. Addiction cannot be beaten overnight. She must be ready to stop. Guilt, ultimatums or bargaining will not work. Just remember: while Edward Cullen may be immortal and will always look good, Robert Pattinson will not.
Robert Pattinson - 2009
Robert Pattinson - 2013