Tuesday, May 5, 2009

My Lame Obsession Could Totally Beat Up Your Lame Obsession

This morning, feigning interest in my wife's Twilight blog fixation just so she would talk to me, we ran across a hilarious story involving an Edward Cullen action figure and a Soundwave Transformer. This got me thinking.

I've long maintained that Edward Cullen, aka Pretty Sparkle Boy, is simply not manly enough to inspire the kind of undying awe and devotion women like my wife have bestowed on him. Aren't there, after all, other fictional men who are more deserving of women's admiration? Manly, menly-type men who could kick the snot out of Pretty Sparkle Boy. Sure, he's got a mean smoulder, but, boiling it down, he's really not much of a man's man, is he?

I mentioned this to my wife, but naturally she took Edward's side.

So, I present to you 10 men that could totally kick Edward Cullen's ass.

First, the contender:

Edward "the 108 Year-Old Virgin" Cullen

Perfect predator? I think not.

I'm the worlds most dangerous predator. Everything about me invites you in --- my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I would need any of that! As if you could outrun me!! --- As if you could fight me off!
All right Edward, let's put you to the test.

Powers:
  • Can run really fast.
  • Is sparkly.
  • Superhuman strength.
  • Can read other peoples' thoughts.
  • Drives recklessly.
  • Smells good.
  • Sister can predict the future, so long as the future doesn't change.
  • Brother can make people feel more relaxed.
  • Well-nigh invulnerable, except for other vampires, fire, werewolves, angst, psychic attacks and Dakota Fanning.
  • Adept at stalking teenagers.
  • Plays the piano.
The skinny:

While Edward has proven his combat prowess against other vampires (if the rest of his family is there to help), as well as uprooting trees and stopping vans with his bare hands, his ability to fight a more diverse range of opponents is questionable.

That said, let's meet my challengers:


10. He-Man
He has the power.

Also known as Prince Adam of Eternia, this heroic gentleman taught a generation of men that having a really big sword will help you overcome any of life's problems.

Powers:
  • Strong and Pure.
  • Possesses the Power of Greyskull.
  • Rides a giant green house-cat that can talk.
  • Magical sword. As we all know, magic swords can cut through anything, even vampires.
  • Makes a pageboy haircut look cool.
The skinny:

While it may seem Edward's ability to read thoughts would give him an advantage, in fact, he would be stymied by the pure and righteous thoughts that flow through the mind of He-Man. In fact, such thoughts would likely cause Cullen to spiral into a bout of self-loathing as he compares his own wicked, soulless undead existence to the heroic perfection of He-Man.

The Verdict:

He-Man would take pity on the wretched, murderous, self-hating, stalker and chop Cullen into a million little pieces. Winner: He-Man.


9. Wolverine

Hmm, a cigar. I wonder what Freud would say....

Arguably the most powerful of the X-Men (that discussion for another blog), this mutant hero has at least 70 years on Cullen. Advantages: Wolverine (Logan to his friends), to my recollection, has never stalked a woman 90 years his junior, and the only thing sparkly about him is his razor-sharp claws.

Powers
  • Can regenerate any damage, up to and including being disintegrated.
  • Superhuman senses and agility.
  • Skeleton is coated with a nigh-indestructible layer of Adamantium.
  • Claws of same Adamantium, which can cut through everything.
  • Can move on after a personal tragedy instead of dwelling on it for nearly a century.

The Skinny:

Probably the most even match of this exercise. While Cullen may have an advantage in speed, Wolverine has an edge in combat experience. Also, when Wolverine enters his "battle rage" he relies purely on instinct to control his actions. Edward mind-reading advantage would therefore be nullified.

The Verdict:

By virtue of this being a near-even match, I am tempted to call it a draw, but since Wolverine's Adamantium claws are made of the strongest substance in the known universe, I'm assuming Cullen won't be able to deliver the decapitation required for a killing blow. On the other hand, said Adamantium can cut through simply anything, which therefore must include vampire flesh. Winner: Wolverine.


8. Lt. Cmdr. Data

Spock is a pussy.

He's incredibly strong and fast. His skin sparkles in the sunlight, he is impeccably polite and well-educated. He composes his own symphonies. Wait a minute... someone get Paramount on the phone! I smell a lawsuit!

Powers
  • He's Mr. Data. So essentially he can do everything Edward can, only without the inconvenience of emotion.

The Skinny:

Data is everything Edward Cullen purports to be, only he, unlike Cullen, has transcended such weaknesses as hunger and sex. (Also, Data has, to date, scored with more chicks than Cullen). Finally, Edward could no more read Data's thoughts he could the thoughts of his Volvo.

The Verdict:

Unless Data's evil older brother Lore is on Team Edward (we can't assume these things), I expect an easy victory from the original Mr. Sparkle.


7. Snake Eyes

"..."

Silent but deadly (not unlike certain bodily functions best not mentioned in polite company), G.I. Joe's resident ninja badass can outrun bullets, fake his own death and, despite having had his vocal chords severed, can even speak when dramatic tension necessitates. And being a member of the G.I. Joe crack killing squad, who knows what sort of GitMo black ops stuff he can do to Mr. Sparklypants. Plus he has a pet wolf. So there's potential Team Jacob crossover appeal.

Powers
  • General badassery.
  • Ninja badassery.
  • Silent dude in black badassery.
  • The list just goes on and on.

The Skinny:

Words alone cannot describe how Snake Eyes would kick Edward's ass. In fact, to honor the Silent Master, I won't say anything.

The Verdict:

I said I wouldn't say anything. He'd just win. Okay?


6. Batman

The Dark Knight: a better dancer than Edward.

Over the last 80-plus years, Bruce Wayne has donned leotards and jumped from rooftop to rooftop accompanied only by a kid wearing spandex and green pixie boots. Also, he fights evil clowns, chicks with cat issues and various people who slipped through the social safety net when their various mental disorders went undiagnosed. Also, he regularly beats up Superman.

Powers
  • Obsessive planning. If there is a contingency for whatever is happening, odds are Bats already has initiated it.
  • Bottomless resources. Which in comicspeak means that he just happens to have two versions of the one single thing he needs to be able to beat the villain. With bat motifs painted on them.
  • Has killed vampires before. Seriously. It's in the comics.
  • Emotionally dead with ambiguous morality. Batman wouldn't be afraid to fight dirty, unlike Mr. Pretty McDazzle.
The Skinny:

Once Batman chooses to fight Edward Cullen, he has already mapped out his strategy, afforded six different contingencies, and even has a fail safe that will kill both of them if Edward should get the advantage. In short, Edward lost before the fight began.

The Verdict:

First Batman would kill then Cullens, then he would contrive a reason to have Rome nuked to get rid of the Volturi as well. Then without their self-policing influence, all the other vamps would quickly degenerate into chaos, only to be picked off one-by-one by Batman as well. This would not conflict with Batman's "no killing" policy, since vampires are dead already anyway.



5. Optimus Prime


Father figure for millions of latchkey 80s boys.

Picture Atticus Finch. Then make him 30 feet tall and give him the ability to turn into a semi truck. The result: history's greatest alpha male.

Powers
  • Giant robot.
  • So charismatic, even his most bitter enemies respect him.
  • Willing to sacrifice himself for the greater good.
  • Willing to sacrifice others for the greater good.

The Skinny:

He's a giant robot with 4 million years of fighting experience. Need I say more?

The Verdict:

Squish. Whoops. My Bad.


4. Spider-Man

Spiders are nature's perfect killer.

He's an angst-filled, sexually frustrated teen with the awesome power of spiders. No word as to whether the spider that bit him developed the powers of human reasoning; sadly, history is silent on that point.


Powers
  • Whatever a spider can.

The Skinny:

While Edward can read minds, Spider-Man has the uncanny arachnid ability to know when to duck. (Ever squished a spider on the first try?) Edward may be super strong, but so are spider webs. Plus, unlike Edward, webs are sticky.

The Verdict:

Edward would lose simply because Spidey wants it more. Also, unlike me and millions of my sad suburban brethren, he would NOT stand for the idea of Mary Jane sniffing around those pretty Cullen boys.


3. R2-D2


I've fought in Wars, son.

While originally just comic relief, R2-D2 has pulled the other Star Wars characters' collective ass out of the fire so many times they owe him a pension. All the little guy had to do was stick his metal thingy into a wall socket, and BAM, suddenly an escape hatch opened, or the garbage crusher shut down, or the hyperdrive on the Millenium Falcon started up again.

Powers
  • Able to make things work when he slid his robot schlong into a wall socket.
  • Can fly like a little metal bird.
  • Has more gadgets than a Swiss army knife.

The Skinny:

First off, Edward would arrogantly underestimate the little robot, probably thinking he was an amicable trash can or something. The second his guard was down, R2 would spritz Edward with some oil and set if off with a *foosh* of his jetpacks.

The Verdict:

R2-D2 is a ruthless robotic monster. He fought with Yoda. When they wiped his BFF C-3PO's memory, he laughed. He has survived being shot at least twice. R2-D2=better than you.


2. Superman

Superman as Christ figure. Discuss.

Summary

Powers
  • Faster than speeding bullet.
  • Able to leap tall buildings, usually in a single bound.
  • More powerful than a locomotive.
  • Laser eyes, frosty breath, killer abs.

The Skinny:

Superman has been maligned as of late, what with the recent less-than-stellar cinematic outing and the de-powering he's endured on television. However despite these setbacks, the Man of Steel still has an aura of, well, superiority. Granted, picking Superman for your side is a bit like cheating, but he does have his weaknesses. They are well-documented, and if Edward Cullen can rustle up some Kryptonite or turn the Sun red, then all is fair. If he can't, it's not Superman's fault.

The Verdict:

When Superman steps into the sunlight, he has the power of a god. When Edward Cullen steps out in the sunlight, he looks like a dancer at a rave circa 1994. Which do you think is more useful?



1.Darth Vader

You think you've got angst, Cullen? Whatevs.

What can be said about the fallen Jedi once known as Anakin Skywalker that hasn't been said a million times before? Slayer of worlds, the Chosen One, the reason why black will always be in.

Powers
  • The Force.
  • Bad-ass red light sabre.
  • Not afraid to get his hands dirty (though technically they aren't really his hands).
  • Unchartable awesomness.
  • The voice of James Earl Jones.

The Skinny:

Edward Cullen has never faced a foe that can hold a candle to Darth Vader. Vader's use of the Force gives him the ultimate advantage over Sparklypants. Neither Edward's speed nor his mind-reading could help him here; by the time Edward figures out where to run, Vader would already have immobilized him and taken his head off his shoulders.


The Verdict:

Nothing can beat Darth Vader. (Except his own offspring.) It is inarguable, so much so that even my wife, who disagreed with every other entry on this list, conceded that Darth Vader would hand Pretty Boy Cullen his ass, several times over.

Repeat after me: "I find your lack of faith disturbing, Cullen."



142 comments:

  1. I am crying. This blog is absolutely hysterical!! (ML, this isn't you, is it?)

    I can't decide which made me choke on my morning coffee the most - the Snake Eyes bit or the Optimus Prime.

    I'd tell ML about this but we can't let you guys unite, ya know? Sorry...

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  2. Although whether I show your blog to DH is still up for debate,this is hysterical! OK, fine, I will show it to him... Pfffftttt...

    Are you available for playdates with other Twilight widowers??? We've got a couple who could use some company (apparently getting a laptop and ignoring DH while sitting right next to him is no better in his eyes than ignoring him from the computer three rooms away, but hey - I tried). They are witty and will bring their own booze.

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  3. OMG...this was great. Being a sci-fi junkie...I was dying laughing.

    I actually played out the Darth Vader/Edward fight in my head and I conceed. But Darth against the WHOLE cullen family? I don't know...you know Alice could predict his moves, Jasper could make him feel all mushy and warm inside...throw him off balance a bit. And Edward is really fast....It might could work.

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  4. This was an excellent post. I don't agree with all of them, but Darth Vader hands down would kick some vamp butt.
    When you started the post I thought we were going to get a list of fictional characters that were more swoon-worthy than Cullen but I like this approach too.

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  5. Brilliant! BTW - I won't be able to watch Star Wars again without thinking of R2 as having a shlong.

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  6. Um yeah, I think I found a new favorite BLOG besides ours of course...twilightsisterhood..wooo.....and I would just like to say LOVE IT! I gotta get my hubby in here! HE WOULD LOVE THIS!!!! You are hilarious.....oddly enough, I'm not offended! Keep it up, this is great!

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  7. Too. Damn. Funny.
    Love it!

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  8. This is such a great blog, gotta say it really made me laugh!

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  9. You my friend have my new favorite blog. Yes I am a "Twilighter" but I definitely appreciate your sense of humor. I was actually snorting I was laughing so hard. LOL!!!

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  10. I like how your location is 'far to close to the New Moon Set'. Poor hubby. Great blog. I'll share with my hubby and I know he'll crack up at this plus add his own villains that could fight Edward. :)

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  11. Hilarious post. I'm a new Twilight reader and I'm passing this on to my husband.

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  12. step back people...
    we have a new FAVE in twi blog!!!
    to think he is trying to kick off our addiction but i just love love his blog...
    i never laughed that hard for quite sometime...
    ;D

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  13. OMG I think I love you! You are hilarious... and you seem to know quite a bit about "Pretty McDazzle" - that one totally cracked me up!

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  14. OMG the funniest thing to me was the caption under the pic of Vader. "You think you've got angst, Cullen? Whatevs." I nearly peed my pants. I showed my husband your blog, but since I hog the computer with my twitaredness, he'll never have time to read it. ;) Thanks for writing. It was flippin' hysterical!!

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  15. Nah! Besides Batman and Darth Vader, no other can beat Edward!!!

    He-man?!?! C'mon!!

    Laughed a lot with this one, thanks for sharing... xD

    ps.: Vampire's skin can endure adamantium, dont ever forget that!!! xDD

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  16. How could you forget about the ONLY ONE that could acctually defeat Edward: CHUCK NORRIS!!!!

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  17. I can tell you now that your blog will be source of much fodder for my sparkly, pretty boy site:

    http://pillowbiters.blogspot.com/2009/05/dear-twilight-widower-our-pretty.html

    DH and I have had the Darth Vadar/Edward Cullen debate. It's a draw.

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  18. I am new here and I was crying I was laughing so hard! And I am one of the obsessed legions :). My husband will love this!

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  19. at last!!! somebody is trying to balance the force!! I've been wondering about the actual insights of the REAL victim of Twilight addiction... the much taken for granted significant other. hehe

    thanks for being the voice of the Silent Majority. more power! and may the force be with you. ;)

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  20. I have been suffering under the burden of a Twilight obsessed wife for quite a while now...Let's just say that you have said the things I have only dared to think about! R2D2 and his "robot schlong"...priceless. Let's face it, Glitterboy could get his butt kicked by Peewee Herman.

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  21. Pretty funny but i have to say don't you think you're going out on a limb here? Come on, R2-D2 and He-Man? Yeah, right...

    And it doesn't matter if they are dead already, Batman still wouldn't kill the Cullens. They're still people and they aren't hurting anybody.

    But I have to admit, Wolverine and Darth Vader would definitely give Edward a run for his money!

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  22. There is one little problem with all of your theories.
    The men you put against Edward? They don't exsist. Edward on the other hand, he exsists.
    That is an issue, don't you think?

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  23. Edward Cullen v. Jack Bauer. Discuss. :)

    This blog is HYSTERICAL.
    Also worth noting: mostly female following. haaaaa ha ha! I think people are serious about being afraid to tell their men about you. It might become a mutiny! :)

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  24. This is beyond funny. And I'm and addictee lol.

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  25. This totally cracked me up. He-Man and Wolverine would definitely beat up Edward Cullen. But I want to know who would win if Wolverine fought Batman. No matter what my husband says, you KNOW it would be Wolverine.

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  26. Laughing so hard I'm crying. My boyfriend will LOVE the Batman one. Aw hell, they're all hilarious. You rock!

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  27. Damn funny, but no way is Data going to win Edward, NO WAY...

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  28. Great list, but I feel as though there were a few names missing:

    The Daleks: little blobs of destruction that have evolved so the only emotion they can feel is hate, that roll around in armor that simultaneous looks like a salt shaker and totally badass. They're nearly impossible to kill, plus the "EXTERMINATE" yell is pretty catchy.

    Gregory House: Sure, he may be a gimp, but he'd end up giving Edward lupus. WITH HIS MIND.

    Rorschach (Watchmen): um, dude, need I say anything?

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  29. Can I make you cookies for writing this? Because sweet Jesus, this is one of the funniest and best "Twilight" rips I've ever read.

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  30. I'm definitely with you on the list, except for the ones I know absolutely nothing about, but something tells me that beating Wardo in a fight wouldn't really be a challenge. My favorite would have to be Data, because he can kick Wardo's ass any day of the week! I actually used him to parody the Twilight craze.

    http://www.fanfiction.net/secure/story/story_preview.php?storyid=5039816&chapter=1

    The only character that would have made this list complete is Rorschach from Watchmen. He would consider Wardo vermin and not show him any mercy whatsoever.

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  31. @ all15minutefame & Diane: So many names were omitted, I originally had twenty-five fiction characters, but I decided to go for a classic top ten.
    As well as Rorschach and the Daleks, Daffy Duck, Van Helsing and the Fonz also-sadly-missed the cut.

    ReplyDelete
  32. OMG I AM ROTFLMAO!!!! TOO FUNNY...U TOTALLY ROCK MAN..TOTALLY....

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  33. This one was too funny especially since my hubby still watches most of these characters with our 4 yr old son... I being a trekkie as well as a twilighter loved the ode to Data... calling him the original Mr.Sparkle and hinting at a lawsuit was hilarious!! I love your blogs!!♥

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  34. You are such a guy...I love you. I laughed so hard I cried. Kudos!

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  35. im not a twilight widower- actually im a twilight teen- your blog is really funny! while i DO support the whole twilight fandom (as i am a part of it)-im not an obsessed 'omg i need to know where rpattz is like RIGHT NOW'-but only because ive passed that phase, i still find it hilarious to poke fun at the fandom. its funny, it makes me laugh, and new moon isnt out till the end of the year-so this shall do for the breaks in between!

    ReplyDelete
  36. I was laughing so hard that the people who live in the apartment upstairs started stomping on the floor to let me know I was too loud... I was just thinking about Data the stud and being the original sparkly pants... oh my... but, I have to wonder - how would a Terminator (esp the one from T2) do against him....

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  37. I'm months late with discovering this awesome post, but you made me cry of laughter so I had to comment! "You think you've got angst, Cullen? Whatevs." His-te-ri-cal!!!

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  38. Spiderman above Wolverine? I don't think so. But with James Earl's voice, no man -dead or alive-stands a chance. I mean, that's Mufasa's voice.

    If I had more time, this would make an fun flash game.

    ReplyDelete
  39. My husband is quick to point out that Darth Vader wins because he possesses both Edward Power AND Jasper power- emotion control/manipulation. Not only does he have mind reading, Vader has mind manipulation, such as Jasper. Vader is the ultimate foe

    You didn't list Bella as one of his top 10 ultimate foes. She could kick his ass any day

    ReplyDelete
  40. Oh God... I would never think that I was going to be on darth vader side being a twi-hard and my fiance would be on edward's side being a star wars geek!!! Something is wrong with the world right now! xD
    Awesome blog, sometimes I wonder if my fiance has one too xP

    ReplyDelete
  41. Awesome! I should have been a charter member of your organization and am so glad I have now found an "appropriate" entertaining outlet to release me sarcasm, THANKS!

    ReplyDelete
  42. You forgot Gibbs from NCIS. He could snipe sparkly from a mile away. Yes, I'm female.

    ReplyDelete
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