My Lame Obsession Could Totally Beat Up Your Lame Obsession

This morning, feigning interest in my wife's Twilight blog fixation just so she would talk to me, we ran across a hilarious story involving an Edward Cullen action figure and a Soundwave Transformer. This got me thinking.

I've long maintained that Edward Cullen, aka Pretty Sparkle Boy, is simply not manly enough to inspire the kind of undying awe and devotion women like my wife have bestowed on him. Aren't there, after all, other fictional men who are more deserving of women's admiration? Manly, menly-type men who could kick the snot out of Pretty Sparkle Boy. Sure, he's got a mean smoulder, but, boiling it down, he's really not much of a man's man, is he?

I mentioned this to my wife, but naturally she took Edward's side.

So, I present to you 10 men that could totally kick Edward Cullen's ass.

First, the contender:

Edward "the 108 Year-Old Virgin" Cullen

Perfect predator? I think not.

I'm the worlds most dangerous predator. Everything about me invites you in --- my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I would need any of that! As if you could outrun me!! --- As if you could fight me off!

All right Edward, let's put you to the test.

Powers:

• Can run really fast.
• Is sparkly.
• Superhuman strength.
• Can read other peoples' thoughts.
• Drives recklessly.
• Smells good.
  
• Sister can predict the future, so long as the future doesn't change.
• Brother can make people feel more relaxed.
• Well-nigh invulnerable, except for other vampires, fire, werewolves, angst, psychic attacks and Dakota Fanning.
  
• Adept at stalking teenagers.
  
• Plays the piano.

The skinny:

While Edward has proven his combat prowess against other vampires (if the rest of his family is there to help), as well as uprooting trees and stopping vans with his bare hands, his ability to fight a more diverse range of opponents is questionable.

That said, let's meet my challengers:

10. He-Man

He has the power.

Also known as Prince Adam of Eternia, this heroic gentleman taught a generation of men that having a really big sword will help you overcome any of life's problems.

Powers:

• Strong and Pure.
• Possesses the Power of Greyskull.
• Rides a giant green house-cat that can talk.
• Magical sword. As we all know, magic swords can cut through anything, even vampires.
  
• Makes a pageboy haircut look cool.

The skinny:

While it may seem Edward's ability to read thoughts would give him an advantage, in fact, he would be stymied by the pure and righteous thoughts that flow through the mind of He-Man. In fact, such thoughts would likely cause Cullen to spiral into a bout of self-loathing as he compares his own wicked, soulless undead existence to the heroic perfection of He-Man.

The Verdict:

He-Man would take pity on the wretched, murderous, self-hating, stalker and chop Cullen into a million little pieces. Winner: He-Man.

9. Wolverine

Hmm, a cigar. I wonder what Freud would say....

Arguably the most powerful of the X-Men (that discussion for another blog), this mutant hero has at least 70 years on Cullen. Advantages: Wolverine (Logan to his friends), to my recollection, has never stalked a woman 90 years his junior, and the only thing sparkly about him is his razor-sharp claws.

Powers

• Can regenerate any damage, up to and including being disintegrated.
• Superhuman senses and agility.
• Skeleton is coated with a nigh-indestructible layer of Adamantium.
• Claws of same Adamantium, which can cut through everything.
• Can move on after a personal tragedy instead of dwelling on it for nearly a century.
  

The Skinny:

Probably the most even match of this exercise. While Cullen may have an advantage in speed, Wolverine has an edge in combat experience. Also, when Wolverine enters his "battle rage" he relies purely on instinct to control his actions. Edward mind-reading advantage would therefore be nullified.

The Verdict:

By virtue of this being a near-even match, I am tempted to call it a draw, but since Wolverine's Adamantium claws are made of the strongest substance in the known universe, I'm assuming Cullen won't be able to deliver the decapitation required for a killing blow. On the other hand, said Adamantium can cut through simply anything, which therefore must include vampire flesh. Winner: Wolverine.

8. Lt. Cmdr. Data

Spock is a pussy.

He's incredibly strong and fast. His skin sparkles in the sunlight, he is impeccably polite and well-educated. He composes his own symphonies. Wait a minute... someone get Paramount on the phone! I smell a lawsuit!

Powers

• He's Mr. Data. So essentially he can do everything Edward can, only without the inconvenience of emotion.
  

The Skinny:

Data is everything Edward Cullen purports to be, only he, unlike Cullen, has transcended such weaknesses as hunger and sex. (Also, Data has, to date, scored with more chicks than Cullen). Finally, Edward could no more read Data's thoughts he could the thoughts of his Volvo.

The Verdict:

Unless Data's evil older brother Lore is on Team Edward (we can't assume these things), I expect an easy victory from the original Mr. Sparkle.

7. Snake Eyes

"..."

Silent but deadly (not unlike certain bodily functions best not mentioned in polite company), G.I. Joe's resident ninja badass can outrun bullets, fake his own death and, despite having had his vocal chords severed, can even speak when dramatic tension necessitates. And being a member of the G.I. Joe crack killing squad, who knows what sort of GitMo black ops stuff he can do to Mr. Sparklypants. Plus he has a pet wolf. So there's potential Team Jacob crossover appeal.

Powers

• General badassery.
• Ninja badassery.
• Silent dude in black badassery.
• The list just goes on and on.
  

The Skinny:

Words alone cannot describe how Snake Eyes would kick Edward's ass. In fact, to honor the Silent Master, I won't say anything.

The Verdict:

I said I wouldn't say anything. He'd just win. Okay?

6. Batman

The Dark Knight: a better dancer than Edward.

Over the last 80-plus years, Bruce Wayne has donned leotards and jumped from rooftop to rooftop accompanied only by a kid wearing spandex and green pixie boots. Also, he fights evil clowns, chicks with cat issues and various people who slipped through the social safety net when their various mental disorders went undiagnosed. Also, he regularly beats up Superman.

Powers

• Obsessive planning. If there is a contingency for whatever is happening, odds are Bats already has initiated it.
• Bottomless resources. Which in comicspeak means that he just happens to have two versions of the one single thing he needs to be able to beat the villain. With bat motifs painted on them.
• Has killed vampires before. Seriously. It's in the comics.
• Emotionally dead with ambiguous morality. Batman wouldn't be afraid to fight dirty, unlike Mr. Pretty McDazzle.
  

The Skinny:

Once Batman chooses to fight Edward Cullen, he has already mapped out his strategy, afforded six different contingencies, and even has a fail safe that will kill both of them if Edward should get the advantage. In short, Edward lost before the fight began.

The Verdict:

First Batman would kill then Cullens, then he would contrive a reason to have Rome nuked to get rid of the Volturi as well. Then without their self-policing influence, all the other vamps would quickly degenerate into chaos, only to be picked off one-by-one by Batman as well. This would not conflict with Batman's "no killing" policy, since vampires are dead already anyway.

5. Optimus Prime

Father figure for millions of latchkey 80s boys.

Picture Atticus Finch. Then make him 30 feet tall and give him the ability to turn into a semi truck. The result: history's greatest alpha male.

Powers

• Giant robot.
• So charismatic, even his most bitter enemies respect him.
• Willing to sacrifice himself for the greater good.
• Willing to sacrifice others for the greater good.
  

The Skinny:

He's a giant robot with 4 million years of fighting experience. Need I say more?

The Verdict:

Squish. Whoops. My Bad.

4. Spider-Man

Spiders are nature's perfect killer.

He's an angst-filled, sexually frustrated teen with the awesome power of spiders. No word as to whether the spider that bit him developed the powers of human reasoning; sadly, history is silent on that point.

Powers

• Whatever a spider can.
  

The Skinny:

While Edward can read minds, Spider-Man has the uncanny arachnid ability to know when to duck. (Ever squished a spider on the first try?) Edward may be super strong, but so are spider webs. Plus, unlike Edward, webs are sticky.

The Verdict:

Edward would lose simply because Spidey wants it more. Also, unlike me and millions of my sad suburban brethren, he would NOT stand for the idea of Mary Jane sniffing around those pretty Cullen boys.

3. R2-D2

I've fought in Wars, son.

While originally just comic relief, R2-D2 has pulled the other Star Wars characters' collective ass out of the fire so many times they owe him a pension. All the little guy had to do was stick his metal thingy into a wall socket, and BAM, suddenly an escape hatch opened, or the garbage crusher shut down, or the hyperdrive on the Millenium Falcon started up again.

Powers

• Able to make things work when he slid his robot schlong into a wall socket.
• Can fly like a little metal bird.
• Has more gadgets than a Swiss army knife.

The Skinny:

First off, Edward would arrogantly underestimate the little robot, probably thinking he was an amicable trash can or something. The second his guard was down, R2 would spritz Edward with some oil and set if off with a *foosh* of his jetpacks.

The Verdict:

R2-D2 is a ruthless robotic monster. He fought with Yoda. When they wiped his BFF C-3PO's memory, he laughed. He has survived being shot at least twice. R2-D2=better than you.

2. Superman

Superman as Christ figure. Discuss.

Summary

Powers

• Faster than speeding bullet.
• Able to leap tall buildings, usually in a single bound.
• More powerful than a locomotive.
• Laser eyes, frosty breath, killer abs.
  

The Skinny:

Superman has been maligned as of late, what with the recent less-than-stellar cinematic outing and the de-powering he's endured on television. However despite these setbacks, the Man of Steel still has an aura of, well, superiority. Granted, picking Superman for your side is a bit like cheating, but he does have his weaknesses. They are well-documented, and if Edward Cullen can rustle up some Kryptonite or turn the Sun red, then all is fair. If he can't, it's not Superman's fault.

The Verdict:

When Superman steps into the sunlight, he has the power of a god. When Edward Cullen steps out in the sunlight, he looks like a dancer at a rave circa 1994. Which do you think is more useful?

1.Darth Vader

You think you've got angst, Cullen? Whatevs.

What can be said about the fallen Jedi once known as Anakin Skywalker that hasn't been said a million times before? Slayer of worlds, the Chosen One, the reason why black will always be in.

Powers

• The Force.
• Bad-ass red light sabre.
• Not afraid to get his hands dirty (though technically they aren't really his hands).
• Unchartable awesomness.
• The voice of James Earl Jones.
  

The Skinny:

Edward Cullen has never faced a foe that can hold a candle to Darth Vader. Vader's use of the Force gives him the ultimate advantage over Sparklypants. Neither Edward's speed nor his mind-reading could help him here; by the time Edward figures out where to run, Vader would already have immobilized him and taken his head off his shoulders.


The Verdict:

Nothing can beat Darth Vader. (Except his own offspring.) It is inarguable, so much so that even my wife, who disagreed with every other entry on this list, conceded that Darth Vader would hand Pretty Boy Cullen his ass, several times over.

Repeat after me: "I find your lack of faith disturbing, Cullen."