Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Tricks of the Trade

(Edit: I forgot to link to the inspiration blog. Sorry, fixed.)

After exhaustive study of the habits of Twilight Widowers, I came across a blog that identified the Five stages of Twilight-Widower-Grief (Suspicion, Denial, Anger, More Anger, Complacency).


I myself have gone through these stages.


Suspicion ("Honey? Are you watching Twilight again?" and "Did you just call me ‘Edward’?")


Denial ("I'm sure it's just a phase. I don't mind ironing her work clothes.")


Anger ("No, I am not making mushroom ravioli again!")


More Anger ("No, we are not buying tickets for the Twilight cruise!")


Complacency ("Here, honey, I printed up Midnight Sun and bound it for you. Now you won't get eyestrain.")


Now that I have resigned myself to the role of complacent Twilight Widower, I have discovered that despite the seemingly endless neglect us Twi-Widowers often endure, there are some surefire ways to get the wife to pay attention to you (albeit for a few sweet, brief minutes until the latest New Moon news is posted).


Here is my advice to you, fellow long-suffering spouse:


1. Whenever talking to her, try to sneak the words "Robert Pattinson" into your sentences. She will immediately perk up and give you her undivided attention.

(I have found this method to be particularly effective when discussing responsibility for household chores.)


2. Use pillow hair to your advantage. Tell her you are going for an "Edward Look."


3. Piggyback her around your local park and tell that she's your own personal brand of heroin. Never mind the stares – it will all be worth it when you get home.


4. Buy body glitter. The next time you are in the mood to "reap the benefits," apply liberally. (Note: It is useful to have a Handivac for the sheets afterwards.)


5. Read the Wikipedia summary of the Twilight Series, so you can pretend that you have read the books yourself. When "discussing" them, just nod sagely when she describes parts omitted in the summary.


6. When in bed, place your cold feet on the small of her back. Tell her "I bet this is how he felt on their wedding night." (Results may vary.)


Edward's whole body feels like cold feet.


7. Secretly disconnect your modem. When she begins to panic about the loss of up-to-date Twilight news, heroically restart the modem (after several false starts and mock exasperation on your part; you have to make her believe this is hard work for you). Reap benefits.


8. Start a Twilight blog yourself. Ask her for "input" regularly.


And just remember: Barring another book getting published, this whole obsession is bound to peter out in about three year’s time. I’m counting the days.


Go Team Widower.

60 comments:

  1. You might get a kick out of this article my husband wrote:

    http://brightredink.blogspot.com/2009/04/mans-perspective-on-twilight.html

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great blog, this is really hilarious! Though I hate to admit that this all means that my husband is a Twilight Widower too. I sent him your URL so that he knows he is not alone out there :).

    ReplyDelete
  3. Showing your link to my hubby when he gets home from work. He'll get at kick out of it because he too feels like a widower.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Theres a twilight cruise?

    ReplyDelete
  5. The hubs will love this. He's in your boat... : )

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm actually crying from laughter! My DH is in Complacency too right now but the Anger phase was hard to get through. Too bad you didn't start this blog earlier. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. lol really really funny
    great blog!

    ReplyDelete
  8. My husband literally threw my copy of New Moon out the window when I was on my first read. Now he just smiles and takes a long swig of his beer. LOL

    It's all good in the (RobPattz) hoodie.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Too Funny and Too True! LMAO

    ReplyDelete
  10. trying to explain to my boss why I've been bursting with laughter....thanks.....looking forward to following you blog

    ReplyDelete
  11. i'm cracking up... i really did try to convince my husband to take me on the twilight cruise, even though it's the week i'm due to have a baby. i emailed him your URL, now he won't feel alone!

    ReplyDelete
  12. girlfromipanemaMay 6, 2009 at 1:46 PM

    OMEdward!
    I'm planning already: I'll show this to my DH, then I'll have 'xtra fun time' with Mr. Pretty McDazzle and his alter ego without any complaints around me.
    You're an enabler! Did you know that? LOL
    I know: I'm evil hahaha
    Love this! :)

    PS - DH, is that you?!? I doubt. I know you're in denial yet... LOL

    ReplyDelete
  13. you forgot this one get amber contact lens and attempt dazzling her i bet she would like it

    ReplyDelete
  14. Totally hillarious...you'll have a big followingin no time...I hust know it!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I read this post to my husband with tears rolling down my face. He laughed along with me and, when I was finished, asked me 'Where do I buy body glitter?'

    Thanks for the great read. I'll definitely be back.

    ReplyDelete
  16. LMAO hope your writing the next blog already...can't wait to LMAO again!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Short discussion of your blog @

    http://letterstorob.wordpress.com/2009/05/06/you-must-be-talking-about-a-different-robert-pattinson/comment-page-2/

    thought you'd like to know!

    ReplyDelete
  18. OMG OMG OMG I'm laughing so hard I woke up my husband!! Poor thing, I must tell him about your blog. He can join the club.

    Oh I also copy-and-paste this entry with full credit on my blog. I know my gf who's pregnant like me, is also a Twihardfan and is also has kinda neglected her husband like I have and yours has. :-)

    Now I'm addicted to your blog!!! Thanks again.

    ReplyDelete
  19. This is scary my husband has gone through all of these stages, except he said YES to the cruise!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Holy crap, I am crying. The bound copy of Midnight Sun to avoid eyestrain put me right over the top! Hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hilarious!

    Isn't it...oddly ironic (but tragically expected) that all your followers here are women, and not the husbands/boyfriends?!???!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Too Funny! I can only imagine that is how my husband feels, he has even offered to watch the TV shows I prefer in order to get my nose out of the books. Sorry no go!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I think "Reap benefits" should be step 6. And what a great step it is. Fellow Twilight widowers, find a way to help your favorite Twi-fan discover fan fiction -- where Edward and Bella go much much farther than they do in the books. Ever since my wife discovered fan fiction, well, let's just say the first five stages were well worth it. Perhaps it helps that my first name is Edward, so if there are any slips, I can ignore them. (Just kidding, hon, because I know you'll read this.)

    ReplyDelete
  24. This is the funniest website I have ever seen... I can't wait to share it with my husband...what mushroom ravioli again????

    ReplyDelete
  25. omg. this is the best blog i have ever been to. i was crying from laughing so hard. my husband loves it as well!!!

    ReplyDelete
  26. You are a crack up!!

    You are my husband and I's new favorite thing... ok maybe I am more enthusiastic then my husband, but last night we were talking and all of a sudden he said "Robert Pattinson" and it worked... i\IDidnt realize it, but it did. SAD, we love u though!!!

    ReplyDelete
  27. @brightredink: What a great post by your husband. While I may dwell on the negatives of Twilight Widowhood, I should also acknowledge the upside (the aforementioned Benefits Reaping obviously, but there are others).

    ReplyDelete
  28. How much for that bound copy of 'Midnight Sun?' :)

    ReplyDelete
  29. My husband will be thrilled to know that he now has a support group. Just the other day, he informed me that if Rob Pattinson ever shows up on our doorstep, he would do him great bodily harm. Maybe your blog will help him cope. LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Soooo funny! _Also number 6...hillarious!!!! :)))

    ReplyDelete
  31. this is really hilarious!! i think my hubby has gotten through the 5 stages/phases of twilight-widower-grief because he already printed and bounded a copy of midnight sun for me! hahaha =)

    ReplyDelete
  32. Don't count on the three year thing hunny, have you heard of the fiction community? it's a whole new world to fall in love with a million different edwards. although if you recommend certain fics to her i'm sure you'll find you'll reap the benefits as well anyway...

    ReplyDelete
  33. You need to get a job on that cruise. You could schedule activities for the widowers to keep them happy. It may increase attendees if the men knew there was a place for them!!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Handivac..LOL!!

    Great as always.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Greetings. very nice explanation, thank you for this information. | diyet | diyet listesi | diyetler | diyet yemekleri | kilo verme | zayıflama | sağlık | hastalık | tedavi | kalori | kalori cetveli | kadın | makyaj | moda | good sites.
    I really enjoy. I always follow your page. thank you. | oyun | oyunlar | online oyunlar | oyun oyna | oyun indir | araba oyunları | barbie oyunları | barbi | full oyun | bedava oyun | çocuk oyunları | kız oyunları | aksiyon oyunları | strateji oyunları | zeka oyunları | good job.
    I see this information very useful. your page will be continuously monitored. | film izle | dizi izle | indirmeden izle | bedava izle | tv izle | lig tv izle | seyret | video izle | sinema izle | When I read around the internet by chance. really nice page. | film izle | dizi izle | video izle | sinema izle | indirmeden izle | bedava izle | tv izle | lig tv izle | seyret | thanks...

    ReplyDelete
  36. thank
    DivxDepo | Paylaşımın Yeni Adresi.. | Dizi, Film, Divx, Belgesel, Sinema, Anime, Fringe, Kurtlar Vadisi Pusu, indir

    http://www.divxdepo.com

    ReplyDelete
  37. lent site. Theme of a site is very nice. There are a number of us to our site. But you more beautiful and wonderful sites. Thanks you very much real admin and boss bunder lipes
    porno
    porno
    porno
    porno izle
    film izle

    ReplyDelete
  38. I love this band! wow can´t believe I found your blog, is really hard to find info about them, maybe you can belive me but I have spent a lot of hours searching on biggest search engines and couldn´t find anything uhaul



    Liseli Porno
    xvideos
    sikiş
    sikiş izle
    porno
    porno izle
    porn izle

    ReplyDelete
  39. siz bu sitede yapabileceğiniz şey porno izle mektir. liseli porno kategorisinde yüzlerce video sadece bu sitede bulunuyor. adult izle ile kendini tatmin etmek cok güzel bir duygudur. bunların yanında gizli çekim pornosu kategoriside çok heyacanlı porno videolar ile doludur. Dahası almanca porno videolar porn sitesinde mevcuttur. Ayrıca ispanyılca pornolove siteside arjantin, meksika, brezilya ve ispanya ya hitap etmektedir.

    sikiş izle kategorisinde en güzel sikiş Sadece Bu sitede sizleri bekliyor. Ayrıca porno izle ile birlikte yüzlerce barbie giydirme makyaj oyunlarıda sadece burada. birbirinden keyifli porno oynamanızı bekliyor. daha ne bekliyorsunuz sikiş izle oynamayı sevmiyormusunuz yoksa? adult izle

    ReplyDelete
  40. En güzel Porno videoları bu siteden izleyebilir, Porno izle yip 31 çekebilirsiniz. Kesintisiz, reklamsız Sex izle videolarını izleyerek sikiş in tadına varın.
    Bedava sikiş izle
    En sağlam pornolar Free porn adresinde.

    Porn tube
    Porntube xxx
    Watch porn
    Sex hikayeleri
    Porno
    Sikiş

    ReplyDelete
  41. oupsss thanks admin ;)anlat bakalım by cin
    porno ve daha bir çok alanda en iyi kalitede ve sıcak anlar burada sizi bekliyor
    pornolar ve daha bir çok alanda en iyi kalitede ve sıcak anlar burada sizi bekliyor
    porno aslında herşey zamansız ve nedensiz evklerden
    porno doğar siz kendıınızı tanımadıktan sonra kımse sizi tanımaz

    ReplyDelete

All comments welcome. I feel your pain.