Tricks of the Trade

(Edit: I forgot to link to the inspiration blog. Sorry, fixed.)

After exhaustive study of the habits of Twilight Widowers, I came across a blog that identified the Five stages of Twilight-Widower-Grief (Suspicion, Denial, Anger, More Anger, Complacency).

I myself have gone through these stages.

Suspicion ("Honey? Are you watching Twilight again?" and "Did you just call me ‘Edward’?")

Denial ("I'm sure it's just a phase. I don't mind ironing her work clothes.")

Anger ("No, I am not making mushroom ravioli again!")

More Anger ("No, we are not buying tickets for the Twilight cruise!")

Complacency ("Here, honey, I printed up Midnight Sun and bound it for you. Now you won't get eyestrain.")

Now that I have resigned myself to the role of complacent Twilight Widower, I have discovered that despite the seemingly endless neglect us Twi-Widowers often endure, there are some surefire ways to get the wife to pay attention to you (albeit for a few sweet, brief minutes until the latest New Moon news is posted).

Here is my advice to you, fellow long-suffering spouse:

1. Whenever talking to her, try to sneak the words "Robert Pattinson" into your sentences. She will immediately perk up and give you her undivided attention.

(I have found this method to be particularly effective when discussing responsibility for household chores.)

2. Use pillow hair to your advantage. Tell her you are going for an "Edward Look."

3. Piggyback her around your local park and tell that she's your own personal brand of heroin. Never mind the stares – it will all be worth it when you get home.

4. Buy body glitter. The next time you are in the mood to "reap the benefits," apply liberally. (Note: It is useful to have a Handivac for the sheets afterwards.)

5. Read the Wikipedia summary of the Twilight Series, so you can pretend that you have read the books yourself. When "discussing" them, just nod sagely when she describes parts omitted in the summary.

6. When in bed, place your cold feet on the small of her back. Tell her "I bet this is how he felt on their wedding night." (Results may vary.)

Edward's whole body feels like cold feet.

7. Secretly disconnect your modem. When she begins to panic about the loss of up-to-date Twilight news, heroically restart the modem (after several false starts and mock exasperation on your part; you have to make her believe this is hard work for you). Reap benefits.

8. Start a Twilight blog yourself. Ask her for "input" regularly.

And just remember: Barring another book getting published, this whole obsession is bound to peter out in about three year’s time. I’m counting the days.

Go Team Widower.