Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Jacob Black - Honourary Widower


The other day, my wife confronted me for not meeting one of my Man Duties.


"You still haven't fixed my bike," she scolded. (I had promised to do so some months ago.) "Edward would have fixed Bella's bike by now," she huffed.


"No he wouldn't," I said. "Jacob Black would have fixed Bella's bike. If Edward wanted something fixed, he’d make Rosalie do it."


"Or Edward would have bought her a new bike," she retorted.


“That’s a waste. Why spend money on a new bike when the old bike just needs a tune-up?”


“Edward would make sure the old bike went to someone who needed it.”


I stared at her, flabbergasted. I had forgotten the first rule of Twilight-Widowhood – never pick a fight with Edward. You won’t win.


As I slunk off, I suddenly felt a strong surge of kinship with Jacob Black.


Like Jacob, deep in our bones, we know better than to try to compete with Edward, but still, we can’t help trying. And the similarities don’t end there.


Jacob Black. We know just how it feels, brother.



Jacob, like us Twilight-Widowers, is just a regular guy. Both Jacob and Twilight-Widowers have problems with excessive hair growth and odours. (Hair and scent are the true measure of a man. You should always be suspicious of a man who smells good and doesn't have to shave his face.) When you need something fixed, like Bella with her motorcycles, you come to us.


We never claim to be able to read minds, but we know you better than Edward does regardless. Once we've imprinted on you, there is no getting rid of us. We don't buy into such noble nonsense as "It's safer if I'm not around you," or "I bring nothing but danger into your life." Maybe we're bad for you, but we don't care, 'cuz you're pretty.


And like Jacob Black, we'll violate our promises, oaths, and sacred traditions at the drop of a hat if we think it will impress you. Sure, Jacob might have broken an ancient pact with a coven of vampires that has kept the peace with his people for generations, but a pretty girl asked him to. Can you blame him?


But, at the end of the day, how can a guy who rebuilds engines and eats hot dogs compete with someone who can buy an island? He can’t. That’s why I think Jacob deserves some special recognition from Twilight-Widowers. After all, Jacob was the first guy to lose his love to Edward Cullen, which, in a sense, makes him the very first Twilight Widower.


Poor Jacob Black.

208 comments:

  1. lmao!!! this blog just keeps getting better n better
    n I'm with ya in the special recognition
    as much as I loved Edward when I read the books
    I fell in looove with Jacob in the movie
    gotta love him for being just a sweet normal guy

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  2. but it's true - Edward would have done the right thing.....

    you can't win over Edward. Just accept it....

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  3. ohhh n you talk about Jacob Black the day Robert Pattinson turns 23?
    lol

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  4. Once again, soooooo funny... and sweet too! Like this part:
    "We never claim to be able to read minds, but we know you better than Edward does regardless. Once we've imprinted on you, there is no getting rid of us."
    You really really really love your wife, don't you? She's lucky to have you!

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  5. Another great post! Forwarding to my husband right now.

    I have to ask, since you know so many details (like Rosalie being the car-tuner, etc.), have you read the books? Or has your wife taught you all these details against your will? I know my poor hubby knows way much more about the Cullens, Blacks, etc. than he ever wanted to know.

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  6. This blog is one of the funniest and most entertaining things I have read in a good long while. Appreciated too by long suffering and better half.
    MORE!

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  7. omg i love this! very well put, team Jacob baby. :)

    "We never claim to be able to read minds, but we know you better than Edward does regardless. Once we've imprinted on you, there is no getting rid of us. We don't buy into such noble nonsense as "It's safer if I'm not around you," or "I bring nothing but danger into your life." Maybe we're bad for you, but we don't care, 'cuz you're pretty."

    THAT is genius. :)

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  8. @ ramonaruby: I don't claim to be a Twilight scholar, but it pays to know what I'm up against.

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  9. Your blog is awesome. Your take on Jacob has truth to it but I am team Edward all the way.

    The post where you suggest that the Twilight Widower's piggyback their wives/SOs around the park...makes me laugh spontaneously several times a day.

    ReplyDelete
  10. That previous comment from "charles" was from me. My son keeps signing in on my computer when I'm not looking.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Who cares what Edward would do? GIMME SOME JACOB! :D

    Ahaha. This blog is hilarious. Keep up the antics. It's so sweet that you take the Twilight obsession with such a good heart.

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  12. man, everyday this blog gets more hilarious. and its so true in so many ways. edward is the perfect dream guy and jacob is the perfect real guy... but still team edward all the way lol.

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  13. I'm new to your blog, and I LOVE it! Thanks for making me cry from laughing.

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  14. I lift my glass to you, Jacob, and the rest of the men who much compete with Edward. Unfortunatly, because I've read the Twilight series I now have unrealistic expectations of men...ones that never will be met by anyone but Edward. So, back my nose goes to the books. Thanks for your blog, gives me another thing to look forward to!

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  15. This is a great blog! Keep 'em comin'!

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  16. you just re-ignited my previously dormant love for Jacob...through out the whole series, I kept rooting for him, even though I knew the inevitability of Edward and Bella staying together. I say "previously dormant" - because as a grown woman; I could not openly lust after a 17 year old boy (i.e. Taylor Lautner)...thank you - again!

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  17. I was having a pretty shitty day until I read this. Thanks for the Lift!
    I wish more other halves would comment - because its just fun.
    thx!

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  18. awww
    This post actually made me weepy! (As did Encino Man...twice. I was 12!)

    This is why I'm Team Jacob.

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  19. Perfect. We know that if Edward hadn't returned to Bella, she was planning to try to be happy with Jacob; in much the same way, I know that Edward/Rob is not coming for me, but I'm beginning to believe I can find some semblance of happiness with a Twilight Widower. He'd have to be as awesome as you, though, and have a blog or equivalent to prove it.

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  20. This is great! I've forwarded this to all my fellow Twilight addicts so they can send to their hubby's. Hilarious!!

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  21. I LOVE THIS BLOG!!! TOO FUNNY!!!! :)

    http://wheatysgirlcreations.webs.com/

    ReplyDelete
  22. wow twilight widower...you know alot about the books and characters...how many times did you read the books?

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  23. you are so right, and that's why i'm a jacob girl :P

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  24. I love your blog! I'm a twilight girl, so my hubby feels your pain. He's read the books (on his own accord), but I'm the obsessed one. I love it when I log on here and see a new post! Keep up the good work!

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  25. OME. You're right..Poor Jacob Black. If I promise not to say "GO DIE JACOB!!! anymore, will that make it better? LOL.. great blog!

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  26. Oh and I have added you to my list of daily reading..so in essence aren't you kinda propagating the Twi-crack??

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  27. The sad reality is a crazy fangirl would respond to your brotherhood and sympathy for Jacob with, "Well if it wasn't for Edward there would be no Renesme and Jacob would be lonely forever" Yep can't fight a Team Edward fan but I have to agree. I constantly feel bad for the original member of your Twilight Widowers Association.

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  28. Must stop crying from laughing!

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  29. LOL...another great post!

    Still Team Edward though...who can resist him?!

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  30. Reason #14 why I'm Team Switzerland. Love the testosterone. Jacob Black. Rawr.

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  31. LOL just found out about your blog, and it's so great! =) i'm addicted to twilight but not quite as extensively addicted as many others out there!
    lol keep writing these posts, they're so awesomely hilarious =D & there are probably so many people who empathize with you! good on ya for creating this blog!

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  32. Just when I think you cannot get any funnier ... I really hope Stephenie Meyer AND her husband are reading this. Somebody should contact him. I see your point about Jacob Black, but in reality it is the saintly Mr. Meyer that is the true martyr for your cause. Don't you know that he feels a bit like a neaderthal ... a BLOODY LOADED neanderthal, but nonetheless ...

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  33. New to your blog and LOVE IT! My heart has always bled for Jacob, to me the character that truly acts the way a teen boy would. How can teen Jacob compete with 90 something Edward in a teen body? Edward and Bella =true love, but I will alway be TEAM JACOB!

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  34. You will be happy to know that people do recover from Twilight mania, as I am on the road to recovery myself. You will get your SO back soon.

    I love this blog! It just makes my day! Please keep up the great job!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Your blog makes me happy. Being in between boyfriends at the moment, I haven't stranded anyone, but I'm also on the road to recovery. I was never team Jacob and Edward is way too much of a prude for me. If I had to crush on a character (which I don't, but still can't quite stop reading this mental poison ivy)I'd have to crush on Jasper. But as of today, I'd say I'm going to really commit to team TwilightWidower. Not you in particular, since you've arguably got a woman you're willing to fight for, but just for the idea of the countless worthy men like you, possessing actual sex drives who've been abandoned for the biggest fictional tease of all time. I offer you my lust from afar to make up for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  36. This was the BEST Twilight rhetoric ever written!

    I felt so much closer to Jacob after I read it...too bad he's still NOT Edward!

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  37. It seems like you know A LOT about twilight!
    But trully.. all a womam wants is to be loved just the way Edward loves Bella, and to love him back as well.. The rest is great, sure, but we get over it, eventually.

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  38. Sooooo funny! I'm not so much a fan of TL as I am RP... but I think I'll be adding your blog to the list that I visit.

    Really good stuff. I chuckled alot!

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  39. Too funny!! I think my own husband has begun to make Twilight references without even realizing it, and he's never read the books. Maybe the guy has realized that twi-refences in day to day life get you laid. :)

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  40. I'm pretty much the only girl I know who doesn't like Twilight. Maybe it's because I love books. Maybe it's because I might be gay. I don't know. I do know that, after months of hatred of all things Twilight, you made me start liking Jacob again. =]

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  41. this blog rekindled my Team Jacob chutzpah...ALMOST.

    reality is island trumps old bike any given time. admit it.

    but you still get a nice steak dinner and a second helping of dessert for trying.

    you are fast becoming legendary man!

    ReplyDelete
  42. Yeah...we´re like that. But is is kind of like the imprinting thing for you guys, once we see something we like we don't give it up...Wouldn't that explain why we married you guys in the first place? ;).

    Amazing blog, keep it up.

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  43. i love ur blog! HILARIOUS

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  44. So much fun!!!!! I love Edward, like your wife, but I can love your blog too!!!! Hehehehe.

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  45. "Maybe we're bad for you, but we don't care, 'cuz you're pretty."

    LOL

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  46. haha This is awesome! Even though I like Edward very much I would pic Jacob anyday! He is my favorite :)And my hubby doesn't need to compete with Edward.. my hubby is way better!! lol

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  47. This blog is hilarious!!!!
    I now really feel for my boyfriend.

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  48. Finally some love and respect for my boy Jake!

    Yeah,sometimes Edward's a tough act to follow.
    But, just like Jake, you sound as if you're up to a challenge.
    Keep showing your wife that real men don't need to sparkle.
    Try taking her camping- She'll come around when it's cold in the tent.
    real men make a woman sweat. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  49. LMAO!! I love your take on Jacob... he did lose to Edward but found true love in the end... I am Team Switzerland cause all the guys in Twilight rock my world... I am partial to Edward tho only cause of Rob... I tell my hubby all the time that as long as Rob Pattinson doesnt show up on our doorsteps, hes golden!! LOL He takes it all in stride just as you do... gonna show him your blogs, think he will get a kick out of them, just as I have!! Thanks for the laughs!!

    ReplyDelete
  50. Hey Im a Twilight Fan who thinks Bella should have got with Jacob, because when it comes to a man, he SHOULD be hair and sweat and muscle.
    Jacob Black ROX!! and my hubby still does the dishes while i reread Twilight over and over LOL

    ReplyDelete
  51. "never pick a fight with Edward"

    You should sell T-shirts that say this!!!

    ReplyDelete
  52. So funny! Your Blog is GREAT!
    That is the best laugh I've had in a LONG time.
    Your insight is impressive -
    I love Jacob - my hubby knows it and uses it to his advantage!

    ReplyDelete
  53. so funny.. my DH showed me your blog about an hour ago and I am now truly hooked..I've read everything now and want more --kinda like twilight actually!.. I will be back often..thanks for the laughs..and yes apparently my DH is in the complacency stage as well.. luv my Robert Pattinson

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  54. I love this blog. I have to say the first Twilight Widower wasn't Jacob it was Stephanie Meyer's husband. Edward got to her first.

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  55. I've always liked Jacob the best but that could be because my own husband is tall, big, has dark hair, and can fix stuff! It still doesn't stop me from the reading these dang books over and over though!

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  56. lol I totally feel this. So true. That's Jacob's charm. Take the vamp out of Edward and you have a dull gramps-like boyfriend. But Jake, Jake is something else. He's got natural charm, real guy genuine traits that can melt any sane woman's heart (emphasis on the woman part, and not obsessed little girls with overdramatic fantasies). That's Jake's appeal in my opinion -- he's real, werewolf thing aside, he's a charmer with a great sense of humour, wits, sweetness, love, and everything else that's good. No contest at all.

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  57. I just found this blog today and I am already addicted to you. I must say I feel bad for all of you Twilight Widowers out there, but I'm glad that you all find some solace in each other. I'm a Twilight Addict and proud of it! <3 But I'm not Team Edward or Team Jacob. i'm neutral territory, baby! Switzerland all the way! XD! But I do empathize with Jacob. Poor kid. They'd have been great together. And clearly Bella doesn't care about age, though she tried to ward Jacob off reminding him that she was almost 2 years older than her. Edward id darn near a century older than her. Age aint nothing but a number. Lucky for me I have no S.O. currently, so they're all spared my current Twilight addiction. Great blog, man. I will come here faithfully and support you Twilight Widowers from the background. =]

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  58. It's true. Dx
    I love Jacob so much.

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  59. Your wife's obsession is unhealthy. She should be accepting you for who you are. You are not Edward and she shouldn't expect you to be.

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  60. And that's why I like Jacob... Because warm things are much better than cold ones. Because although perfection (Edward) sounds nice and appealing, reality (Jacob) is a hundred times better. Because fighting hard for who you love is WAY better than assuming what's best for the other person.

    ReplyDelete
  61. hahhaha. LOL. just started reading your blog today and it's so funny because it's all true. i have a best friend who is a TOTAL addict of Twilight that when her computer was sent to get fixed for many days, she went into withdrawal due to the lack of ROB pics. She will also instantly lash out to anyone who would diss precious Rob or Edward. Don't even get me start on the hyperventilation.

    She lured me into this world and I've become quite addicted myself but I'm Team Jacob. :)
    I totally agree with your point of view in regards to Jacob. I prefer the nonperfect, down-to-earth guy than the stalkerish, pale one. i mean come on, Meyer's description of Edward states that he's so cold and hard like cement. why pick the the person who is so awkward to hug than the sweet, cuddly werewolf.

    I feel your pain too because I'm the only Team Jacob in our circle of friends and it's hard to defend him if you're getting ganged up and it's always edward is better because he's this, that and that. but personally, i don't have anything against rob because it's actually not his fault he gets to play the overly sweetened, awkward, totally not my type but apparently other's life vampire.

    true about the fanfic, it's hard to rein yourself in after being addicted to reading this. i actually lost tons of sleep because of fanfic.

    ReplyDelete
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  65. I am obsessed with Jacob Black... Edward is sooooooo not my type.

    ReplyDelete
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  71. Twilight Fan who thinks Bella should have got with Jacob, because when it comes to a man, he SHOULD be hair and sweat and muscle.
    Jacob Black ROX!! and my hubby still does the dishes while i reread Twilight over and over LOL

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