The other day, my wife confronted me for not meeting one of my Man Duties.
"You still haven't fixed my bike," she scolded. (I had promised to do so some months ago.) "Edward would have fixed Bella's bike by now," she huffed.
"No he wouldn't," I said. "Jacob Black would have fixed Bella's bike. If Edward wanted something fixed, he’d make Rosalie do it."
"Or Edward would have bought her a new bike," she retorted.
“That’s a waste. Why spend money on a new bike when the old bike just needs a tune-up?”
“Edward would make sure the old bike went to someone who needed it.”
I stared at her, flabbergasted. I had forgotten the first rule of Twilight-Widowhood – never pick a fight with Edward. You won’t win.
As I slunk off, I suddenly felt a strong surge of kinship with Jacob Black.
Like Jacob, deep in our bones, we know better than to try to compete with Edward, but still, we can’t help trying. And the similarities don’t end there.
Jacob, like us Twilight-Widowers, is just a regular guy. Both Jacob and Twilight-Widowers have problems with excessive hair growth and odours. (Hair and scent are the true measure of a man. You should always be suspicious of a man who smells good and doesn't have to shave his face.) When you need something fixed, like Bella with her motorcycles, you come to us.
We never claim to be able to read minds, but we know you better than Edward does regardless. Once we've imprinted on you, there is no getting rid of us. We don't buy into such noble nonsense as "It's safer if I'm not around you," or "I bring nothing but danger into your life." Maybe we're bad for you, but we don't care, 'cuz you're pretty.
And like Jacob Black, we'll violate our promises, oaths, and sacred traditions at the drop of a hat if we think it will impress you. Sure, Jacob might have broken an ancient pact with a coven of vampires that has kept the peace with his people for generations, but a pretty girl asked him to. Can you blame him?
But, at the end of the day, how can a guy who rebuilds engines and eats hot dogs compete with someone who can buy an island? He can’t. That’s why I think Jacob deserves some special recognition from Twilight-Widowers. After all, Jacob was the first guy to lose his love to Edward Cullen, which, in a sense, makes him the very first Twilight Widower.
Poor Jacob Black.