Thursday, May 7, 2009

Why Must We Drive Downtown to Buy Milk?

Twilight Fangirl World Headquarters
(alternately known as downtown Vancouver).

It was an unusual evening at our house tonight. Claiming that my blog has "shamed her," the Missus cooked dinner and did the dishes afterwards, before withdrawing behind her laptop. This may seem like a small thing, but it's the most attention she's paid me since she's discovered Edward Cullen.

I felt she deserved a reward. (Positive reinforcement is the key to winning your woman back from the cold, grasping arms of that undead home wrecker).

I decided to give her my full attention as she chatted about her blogs instead of sulking in the corner with my arms crossed, and snorting whenever she mentions Robert Pattinson, as is my usual custom. I even helped her scrutinize the background of the Michael Sheen pics from Twi'Crack Addict to determine exactly where in Vancouver they were taken. (Living in Vancouver, this is a ritual for her whenever new New Moon cast pics are posted.)

Despite living so close to the set of New Moon, my wife has never yet asked me to go set-stalking with her, some small thing I suppose I should feel grateful for.

"I don't think I could ever actually go set-stalking anyway," she told me recently. "I just couldn't bring myself to hunt people down like that."

I bit my tongue. Obviously, her definition of 'hunting people down' doesn't include driving up and down Robson Street exclaiming "Is that Robert Pattinson?" every time she sees someone in a hoodie. (It really is amazing how many times we have had to go downtown lately.)

"I wouldn't want people coming up and gawking at me when I'm at work," she continued.

"But when they're out shopping or having a drink, they're fair game?"

"Shut up."

In truth, there are three reasons why my wife hasn't gone set-stalking, despite being at the epi-centre of New Moon Madness:

  1. We are too lazy. Frankly after working all day, it's just too much work to go out and try to find celebrities.

  2. My wife is actually quite reluctant to meet the actors in real life. She is convinced that, invariably, she would find them disappointingly ordinary and subsequently wouldn't enjoy the films as much.

  3. We are too old and un-hip (just ask our teenager) to even know where trendy young people hang out anymore. And if we did, the young people would laugh at us when we got there.
Nevertheless, it has become part of our daily routine to look at pap shots of the cast while my wife says "OMG I've been there. We were there just last week!" Uncannily, she will find a legitimate reason to be there again on some small personal errand or supposedly work-related reason. I don't know how she does this, but it is incredible to watch.

Sadly, she has yet to "accidentally" bump into any cast members yet, but it's only a matter of time. We're down to a quarter jug of milk.


  1. Well, then you best get in your car, head down town & start searching for some Mr. Pattin... milk.

    Humm... I wonder if they could make a milk that would taste like Edward Cullen? That would be delicious. Sorry, lost in thought. Sometimes my twi-obsession becomes to much for me to handle & random incoherent things like that spew out of me.

  2. OMG, you are *hilarious*! My husband is from Vancouver, and when we were there last month, I didn't actually do real set-stalking either (just made husband take me on pilgrimage to jacob's house; he was like, why are you making me drive to the boonies to look at a dilapidated house?!!). BUT, we had to do the Robson drive-by once, and I did the same thing as your wifey - gave myself whiplash to look for people skulking about in hoodies. Finally saw a guy in a hooded sweatshirt, but turned out to be an old man. hehe.

  3. If I lived there I would do the exact same thing. I think she's controlling herself very well.

  4. I love your post. I am a single mother, who is truley consumed by Twilight. I get my Crack (Twicrack Addict) several times a day, from work, home, and even my phone.
    My house has never been so dirty, mountains of laudry, I have never been so frivilous with shopping (I usually pride my self with budgeting money-very well). But I just don't have the time, I work full time, I have my addiction, and what little other time I have is spent with my son.

    It truely is an addiction-be easy on your wife, there will come a day when Twilight-Edward is not as easily accessible. Granted that won't be until about a year or two after they make Breaking Dawn. LOL!!! Keep Blogging!!!

  5. Ok first I am going to defend the fact that you are NOT TOO OLD. People would not laugh at you guys. Man you are funny! I think I look forward to your blog posts now more that I do the New Moon ones. HAHA!

  6. I'm an unmarried addict but I'm forwarding your site on to the widower of the woman who turned me into the crazy person I've become. I'm sure he will nod often and ruefully. While your blog was intended for widowers, I've added it to my list of daily (er, hourly) Twi-visits. Your sense of humor and embarrassing exposure of our sick little habits have given me a whole new perspective. I'm not changing, mind you, but I need a good laugh between breathless revelations. Keep up the good work!

  7. Amers 425 turned me on to your site. This is the first post I've read & it did not disappoint!!! You are too funny. Keep the're a great husband. ;)

  8. Your blog is hilarious. And very, very sad. I've already sent my boyfriend a link, you know, as one of those "hilarious" links I force him to read.

    Must go home from the office (where I've been "working late") now. To be with my...uh...Edward Cullen action figure.

  9. This is genius. You're quite funny :)

  10. "That undead homewrecker"--Ha! Ha! You are hysterical. Sadly for me the Twilight books obsession turned into the movie obsession and has now turnd into an obsession with the very much alive, 16-years-younger-than-me-I'm-old-enough-to-be-his-baby-mama Rob Pattinson. As if that weren't enough all these fabulous blogs are becoming a daily obsession.

    BTW, I am happily married with two beautiful children..but all things Twilight/Rob have consumed me for the past 18 months...I can't explain it but it makes me stupidly giddy and happy and is much better for me than anything else that makes me feel that way. I am, however, pretty closeted publicly.

    It is so nice to see the husband represented here. We are in Seattle--if you bring Scotch (duty free) my husband would probably love to have a man meeting with you. Ha! Unfortunately, I don't think he will blog about this.

    Keep posting away. Just know we wives/s.o.'s understand this is nuts--it really is an addiction. Unfortunately, I don't think anyone of us has any intention of going to rehab anytime soon. Hang in there.

  11. I can't even imagine neglecting my family for this book...I think it's rather irresponsible. It makes me very sad for the husbands as well for the children.

    Keep blogging :)

  12. I found you via Twitarded. What fun to find such humorous witty self-deprecating blogs. I'm not in a relationship right now..but I was when Twilight first came out and we went to the movie. I was sitting there all a giddy - in my own little fabulous world. I do not think this was any kind of a deal breaker - but it didn't work out. So I will read your blog because I know There will be an opportunity to ask the next love interest to New Moon...and then secretly look at blogs while we are on the phone together.

    So...Have you bought tickets to Sam Bradley in concert for her? That's probably a legitimate excuse to possibly be in the same room as The #1 Hottie. Do you read to her any Fanfiction before bedtime? OK - that's too personal.

    Keep up your Charming Brand of Blogging. we like!

  13. Dude, you're a clever writer. Like so many others, I'm crying I'm laughing so hard! Your not that old, though. I'm 31 and I don't consider myself out of touch and un-hip. You may not want to admit it, but the fact your wife is so into Twilight makes her pretty hip, at least in some circles.

  14. I'm about to post this on the Twilight Lexicon. It's the most hilarious thing I've read about Twilight in awhile, and believe you me that is saying something.

    AKA Twilight Lex Admin

  15. Very funny blog. Your wife and all the chicks posting here are in need of a real intervention. Especially the single mother one who puts her son at the end of her priority list.

    This isn't the Beatles. This is a scrawny no talent kid who looks like he has scurvy.

  16. I wanted to comment specifically about #2 on the list of why your wife is hesitant to set-stalk. While I have not set-stalked I have met 3 of the cast and they are all super nice and your wife would not be disappointed. The Twilight Sisterhood is LOVING your blog!

  17. Ha ha. And even more ha ha is the fact that all the comments on here are by female addicts themselves. Your blog is just another fix I'm getting now... my DH thinks you are the worst kind of crack out there.

  18. I think your wife is controlling herself extremely well...I have been begging my husband to take our vacation to Vancouver and while I also would not go "set stalking" (I am old and un-hip as well)...I would totally do the drive by and just HOPE I could somehow randomly run into a cast member (preferably Rpatz). Also, in a related fantasy he will realize how much he loves older and experienced women and we will run off together to live on Bora Bora!

  19. I just LOVE your blog. It's so funny and I can see into my husband's pain for an instant at least. He totally relates and reads your blog quite often. LOL.

    You have the best TWI-wife really. If I LIVED in Vancouver, I would be stalking the downtown every day. Probably wouldn't be able to work and get fired. Good thing I'm SO FAR away. For the cast and myself...and the hubby.

  20. "the cold, grasping arms of that undead home wrecker"

    Oh, that's just priceless! LOL

  21. never fails to make me laugh.. hahaha =)

  22. Sooo funny.....especially the homewrecker line...hilarious!!! i just wanted to say that i actually did drag my hubby to Vancouver last month to do some stalking of my own. LOL all i can say is thank god the canucks were in the playoffs at that least hubby had sumethin to fill up his evenings!!! i fortunatly got to meet 4 cast members! Was awesome experience and one of my dreams come true for sure. I love that city!!! Am thinkin of poor poor!!! Thanx again for the awesome blog..u rock man really rock...lmao

  23. I agree with your wife... actually meeting the people you crush on or fantasize about can ruin things for you. After becoming friends with a couple of pro hockey players just watching the games sometimes is hard bcs you are thinking so and so cheated on his wife with that chick sitting over there. I prefer to leave them as the "gods" they are now.

  24. I just randomly ran across your blog. And even though I'm not much of a blog reader, I love this blog!!! I just read the entire thing and I can't remember the last time I've laughed so hard. I'm sure my widower would be able to relate to every word you've said. PLEASE write more!!

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  26. Sorry - can't feel the pain too much but I do understand - it is I who is the Twi-Addict, just loving the story for what it represents to me - "True Love" As Wesley proclaimed, "True Love cannot be stopped, Buttercup, not even by death" or words of that sort ...

    I read the 1st book and handed it to my wife who is into all sorts of romance novels but she merely handed it back after the 1st Chapter, not liking the fact that there were so many vamps in the storyline. Ah well ... I do have her sister-in-law to discuss things with, when she has the time away from her "job" ...

    But for the sake of your relationship, I think it'd be wise to continue to search for milk downtown - who knows, Breaking Dawn may wind its way back up to your neck of the woods sometime.

    As for actually meeting the actors - yeah - wrong generation but I do so enjoy the efforts they've brought to the big screen and my own dog-eared version of the DVDs - ;)

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  28. My husband is in the same boat. He appreciates that you have the nerve to write this for other people to see. He suffers in silence.

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All comments welcome. I feel your pain.