My mother was always fond of saying, "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade."
This post from Mr. brightredink, a fellow Twi-Widower, got me thinking about the upside my wife's new relationship with Edward Cullen.
You may be wondering exactly what benefits there are to sharing your wife with a rich, impossibly handsome work of fiction who never has to leave his runners on the doorstep to "air out." Surprisingly, Mr. brightredink has some very good points to make on the subject, to which I have added my own observations and experiences.
1. Edward takes the mystery out of gift shopping
As the teenager and I were doing our Mother's Day shopping at the mall last week, we remarked how much easier it had become to buy the wife presents lately.
Before Twilight, I would have to subtly draw hints from her for weeks to determine what sort of gift she wanted for special occasions and then would get it wrong anyway, despite all my careful detective work. (She told me she wanted a food processor; how was I supposed to know it wasn't a good Valentine's Day gift?) But now that she has given herself over to Edward Cullen, knowing what she wants is ridiculously easy.
2. More time to pursue your own lame obsessions
Now that your formerly mature, articulate S.O. has turned into a squealing fangirl, she can never again criticize you for standing in line for the midnight premiere of Transformers. And she can't say a damn thing about game night with the boys, your weekly poker game, or the Star Trek convention either.
Edward will also happily occupy your wife during the hockey playoffs.
3. Now you set the standard of cleanliness
Before Edward, my wife always managed to find fault with my housekeeping skills. Without fail, she would find the speck of food I'd overlooked on a fork or the patch of carpet I'd missed with the vacuum. Since Edward has entered our lives, however, she has let her standards slide considerably. This is great. The floor in front of the dresser was where I kept my socks before we moved in together, and she doesn't seem to mind anymore.
4. More enthusiasm.
One of the first things I noticed about the wife's Twilight obsession was how...frisky she seemed to be after spending time with Edward. One night, after she'd finished Eclipse for the first time, she rolled me over, pinned me down and rowed me like a boat. And it wasn't even Saturday.
So the next time you feel like the 3rd wheel on a bicycle built for your wife and Edward, remember that there are at least some small compensations for the repeated blows to your masculinity, your pride, and your self-esteem.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to look for the Twilight soundtrack. Fingers crossed...