Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Hang in There

The average Twilight Widower endures a great deal.

Since Edward Cullen has entered our lives, we have had to cope with loneliness, resentment, and an increase in the amount of housework we are expected to do.

Being the pillar of strength all Twilight Widowers are expected to be is never easy. There is no manual, and support groups are few and far between.

But you are not alone in this struggle. With a little help from Automotivator, I have created some motivational posters for you to print and hang in the garage or storage room.

In your most desperate moments, I hope they will bring you strength and solace.
















304 comments:

  1. I've stumbled upon your blog and I must tell you that I bow down to your greatness! Each of your blogs have done nothing but bring me joy and much pain to my sides (from all the giggling and the laughing). Keep the faith and keep chanting... "It'll be over w/ Breaking Dawn... It'll be over w/ Breaking Dawn..."

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are making de-motivational Twilight posters? Holy moley!

    Firstly, I love the fact that you are now bemoaning the fact that you have to do more chores. lol Sorry the stay at home mom is giggling like crazy. You know when the sink gets full your wife isn't the only one at fault, right?

    Secondly, if ANYONE ever dressed up like that kid in the compromise poster I'd run the other way. Holy rusted metal Batman, that kid is the one who desperately needs help!

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  3. Dear Twilight Widower,

    I think I love you. Will you divorce your ungrateful wife and marry me?

    I'll only make you dress up as Robward once a week. Promise.

    Yours,

    Elle

    PS can you do a British accent?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Please tell me you have a book deal in the works? I only wish it could be published by Father's Day ... You are making this whole Twilight Obsession ALMOST as fun for my husband as it is for me ... almost. I only wish the women of Twilight were equally as attractive, so that he could have a fantast object. Nothing against "KStew", but she is a bit grunge for my man's taste ... perhaps his "Hall Pass" Kate Beckinsale will be on the horizon as one of the Denali Coven or something. According to him, THAT is the ideal succubus ... or suck-u-anything

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  5. LOL again, Twilight Widower. Love the last poster! :)

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  6. My dear Twilight Widower,

    You are not Edward/Robert (of course), but I really like you! You make me smile :). Keep in this way!

    Have a nice day and tell your wife don't worry Rob will be in Vancouver next fall to Eclipse!!!

    Many kisses from Brasil.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hi TwiWidower, since I started visiting your site, I have become more aware of the things that I SHOULD NOT DO to my husband (and kids). My sink is now clean, my kids have clean clothes to wear, food is on the table again..... All thanks to you and my Twilight Saga AUDIOBOOKS. I have Edward via my ipod earphones while I attend to the humanly chores at home......so, widowers out there.....1 word: AUDIOBOOKS.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Love it ! This is such fun ! More, more, please !

    ReplyDelete
  9. solelyseoul....audiobooks are an excellent idea. My husband tried to sell me on them, but in my head Edward sounds like ROB. LOL.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dear Twi-widower,
    You are one misguided man.Have you no idea how thankful you should be for your wife's addiction? Without her dedication and devotion to all things Edward/R.Patz what would you be doing with your free time?You'd be propped up on the couch-complacent and ignoring your S/O. Edward has given you so many things in return for your wife's undying loyalty. You now have a brother/sisterhood of people who share in your pain.If you would only look closer you'd see just how much you now have in common with the Cullen family. The Cullens struggle everyday by choosing to "do the right thing" by abstaining and maintaining a vegetarian diet, while you also struggle to accept your wife's overwhelming need,addiction actually, to have Edward/R.Patz in in her daily life.
    Rather than continue this futile and let's face it,infantile tantrum embrace your inner Edward.Even Edward eventually accepted the inevitability of Jacob remaining in Bella's life coming to view him as,"a brother..a son".
    The sooner you come to terms with the new and permanent man in your wife's life the happier you'll be.

    Still giggling my ass off...;)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ahhhh, the "Compromise" poster is the best, that is the funniest (and maybe saddest?) thing ever.

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  12. I just about died when I got to the "compromise" poster. ROFL!

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  13. Compromise - it says it all really....

    btw - I haven't yet made my husband dress up as Edward, thanks for the tip!

    LOL

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  14. Another great post! I can't wait until I get to read one again! Keep them coming!

    ReplyDelete
  15. :O) LOL (O:

    Brilliant as always!!
    These are the moments when I'm happy to be single and I don't have to feel terrible for neglecting my SO. Because there is no way I will stop worshiping Rob/Edward!!

    I wished I found a guy like you though. Someone who would love me with my obsession.

    I know, it's almost as difficult as finding an Edward...

    ANDREA

    ReplyDelete
  16. LOVE IT!!! :)

    @Kaki show your hubby the sexy ashley greene photos..i showed my hubby...hahhahaha

    @arazcal so funny!!!!!

    I NEED SOME AUDIOBOOKS..REALLY BAD!!! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  17. You are to freaking hilarious!!

    I laughed so loud at the Compromise poster that I woke my 1 1/2 year old in the next room.

    BTW, I've recommended your website to all my fellow Twilighters.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Love it! Especially Compromise. My husbands agrees!

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  19. twilight widowers...introduce your significant others to bill compton. he's not a 17 year old abstinent sparkly vampire...he's a vampire who was in the civil war, enjoys human blood, and actually has FANGS! not only is there real action in the show, theres tons of boobies and vampire sex. it's way hotter than 10 minute hardly-kiss-scenes. you're welcome.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Have sent the "Compromise" poster to all of my fiances who have missed me for the past few months. Now they know how to glean a crumb or two of my attention. I also included links to Old Navy to pick up some more Edwardish clothing--I can do without the faux-goth look, thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  21. @Wheaty's Girl Creations, when I put a mashup of the New Moon poster/wolf pack pic on my desktop background, my hubby wanted to know why I had all those men on my computer. I'll take them off when he takes Evangeline Lily off his work computer.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Am new to your blog and LOVE it! Please keep writing, as I am LMAO!

    The Perseverance poster is the best. That is totally how things go at my house.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I am as addicted to your blog as I am to the blood sucking glitter boy! Laughter is a good good thing.....

    ReplyDelete
  24. I love the way the kid in the compromise picture is glaring. I can just imagine the seduction tips for twilightwidowers:

    1) glare at your woman
    2) sniff her (but don't touch anything except her cheek
    3) growl
    4) tell her she's irresistible
    5) repeat steps 1-4 until she jumps you. Then tell her she's absurd and that it's too dangerous, but that you don't have the strength to stay away any longer, then give in "unwillingly". bonus points if you rip some pillows in the throes of passion.

    ReplyDelete
  25. This is awesome. I too am a Twibitch and need all things Edward, but you blog is hilarious. Makes me understand the other side a bit. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  26. wow.

    i just found your blog and now i'm ridiculously excited about it.

    if Hubs were a blog reader i'd direct him over this way.

    seriously.

    ReplyDelete
  27. seriously you crack my husnand and I up, I love yoU! So smart!! You get it!!

    ReplyDelete
  28. What the heck, no post since Wednesday?

    ReplyDelete
  29. @Casey and Jeannie:

    I am sorry. I have so many things to say, but little time to say them.

    ReplyDelete
  30. hahahahahahaha. There is nothing wrong with a females obsession with Edward, and not all of them are obsessed with him, some, such as me, are obsessed with Jacob. love the pics lol

    ReplyDelete
  31. Damm you Twilight Widower... a step ahead of me again.

    Did you really need to snap a pic of my dish-filled sink to prove your point?

    ReplyDelete
  32. I just found this by clicking from the Lexicon and i love you! Hahahaha

    ReplyDelete
  33. *snorts-with-laughter*
    ohmyohmy...
    *wipes-tears*
    Ace!
    on the other hand: you got your own obsession running, eh?!
    should take some time to create this...
    but tonight I will be a dear to my honey!
    you are aort of right.
    *waves-across-the big-ocean*

    Nala

    ReplyDelete
  34. Oh my... Simply great. :-D
    Keep it coming, please... Please, please, please !

    ReplyDelete
  35. lol this is cute

    ReplyDelete
  36. I've just been reading through your blog -- brilliant. However, I seem to have an issue with 99% of your commenters: they're all women who are Twilight addicts! And they seem to think this is funny! WTF? THIS IS NOT FUNNY!! This is the sad, sad life of a Twilight widower! I feel your pain, brother. So do my two neglected kids... At least there's no more books coming out in the near future.

    When the movie came out on DVD, I had to take the kids and leave for the night so she could host a Twilight party. Seriously.

    Yeah, I feel your pain.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Hahaha! Brilliant! I sympathize with your pain.

    Let me guess . . . your inspiration was not only Edward-bashing, but How I Met Your Mother? Anybody else know Barney's motivational posters?

    Great job, and keep the laughs coming.

    ReplyDelete
  38. FYI

    James could track Bella because he used her scent. Demetri could not because he tracked people by their minds.

    Your blog is hilarious.

    My husband is in the process of assembling a "How you know you're getting laid because of Edward Cullen" list, and so far he has two. Would love to see your take on the rest.

    1. She stops complaining that your hands are cold.
    2. She says "bite me" and she means it literally, not the usual, "bite me" as in "kiss my ass".

    ReplyDelete
  39. I must say I love your posters! I can also sympathize with you as well. But, let's be fair here. It's been a while since one male commanded so much female attention. Ladies...how many of you have watched your man's attention to you vanish like mist in the wind when one of the Jessicas is mentioned? (that would be Alba or Biel, Simpson packed on a few pounds and is now just a regular gal)

    No worries Widower...maybe he'll do something heinous, like pulling a PeeWee Herman and exposing himself or do a George Michael bathroom scene, and he'll be dropped like a hot potato. Cross your fingers!

    ReplyDelete
  40. VERY funny. I am sending this to my friends to share with their significant others.

    ReplyDelete
  41. audiobooks available to rent at hastings... have them on my ipod and listen non-stop... Finally getting housework done! I HIGHLY recommend!!

    ReplyDelete
  42. i am a woman but is still find them hilarious. and i must say this is so true. I definantely left my boyfriend hanging while i read the books. poor guy. :)

    ReplyDelete
  43. I'm another female twi-fan. You had me PIMP. Great blog! I, too, am sharing your blog with other liked-minded twi-addicts.

    ITA, Anon, I'm also hooked on True Blood and Vampire Bill. And Bill is back next month! I also miss Mick St. John from Moonlight and Spike from Buffy. I seem to be going through my vamp decade.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Thanks for showing me the light. I was a bit obssesive. I guess I can clean the kitchen and do my wifey duties now. Nothing wrong with pretending he's Edward right?

    Twilightdiheart

    ReplyDelete
  45. that is seriously funny stuff - mostly because it's true!

    ReplyDelete
  46. wanttoliveit_twilightMay 25, 2009 at 11:02 PM

    I love it. ANd I also miss Mick St John. but I love your posters keep them coming.

    ReplyDelete
  47. You have no life...

    ReplyDelete
  48. I wish my husband would channel his poorly diguised edward resentment in such a humorous way..he just sulks...and looks forward to seeing Megan Fox this summer in the new Transformeers movie...

    ReplyDelete
  49. LMAO. My dear Twihard friend introduced me to your blog as something I might wish to pass on to my poor suffering fiance. Love your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  50. I think it's fantastic that you are being as optimistic as possible of being a mate of a Twi-Hard. My boyfriend detests anything and everything Twilight. He's made me afraid to mention anything related to Twilight.... In fact, his pure hatred for my one and only hobby that is just for me, has caused so much grief that we are taking a "break" after 5 years.

    I've given my boyfriend the link to your blog for solace, but to no avail. I only wish more significant others would find their own ways to be supportive. You have SO much to teach the bitter boyfriends/husbands of the Twilight world. :)

    ReplyDelete
  51. Just mentioned your great blog in a new Examiner.com story ("Stephenie Meyer responsible for growing number of 'Twilight' widows"): http://www.examiner.com/x-18496-Fresno-Working-Dads-Examiner~y2009m10d6-Stephanie-Meyer-responsible-for-growing-number-of-Twilight-widows

    ReplyDelete
  52. Amazingly Great-

    ReplyDelete
  53. My Back story: I'm a really nice guy. I'm into "different" things. My wife's family says I set the bar WAY too high for any other guy to come along for my wife's two beautiful and talented sister. I love my wife. She's amazing. I love the fact that she likes to read as much as she does. Then Twilight came out.
    THE Story: She LOVED the books...or so I thought. She got ME to read them. Yes, they are well written and it was a good story. Then the movie came out. When glitter boy was on that first magazine cover and my wife came home and showed it to me and made a drooling gaga face, my stomach wretched!
    Ever since then, anything that has to do with Twitard has my wife, (her words) "giddy as any of those 13 year old girls."
    She took (now it's feeling more like dragged) me to the midnight release of New Moon last night. EVERY TIME glitter boy did something remotely stupid she would sit there and squeal with her 16 year old sister....like a 16 year old...at her first Beatles concert....on ecstasy. And every time she did the more my desire to vomit grew. And I'm not talking in a metaphor now. I mean my stomach was making such violent jerks that I wanted to physically vomit to make it stop! Still do. And it's 11:00 am the next day.
    I pretended that I was just so tired from my 22 hour day that I couldn't stay awake on the ride home so I wouldn't have to open my mouth to respond to her comments, lest I throw up.
    What happened to "you raised the bar SO high?"
    I feel like I'm in high school all over again. Only instead of just pining over the most beautiful girl in school, I got to date her for 4 years, then a star quarterback moves in and I feel forgotten faster than the crap we had to eat for lunch!
    Stephanie Meyer, you are very talented. And I hate you!

    ReplyDelete
  54. The really sad part is she'll find this and read it, and we'll have our first actual fight. We haven't fought in 6 years of being together, and 4 years of marriage. She knows me too well. It's sad that I feel like I don't know her as well as she knows me anymore. It feels like she's not with me when she talks about glitter boy. It feels like I've reverted to a best friend that she talks to about this major crush. I feel like Ducky. And she tells me, "It's not Rob Pattenson. It's Edward. It's the character." So you're telling me that you are actually in love with an actual fictional character. Wow. Who can compete with that? Not with my fetal beer but and balding head. Sure I may be pale, but pale farmers tans aren't hot.
    I'm even a member of Stephanie Meyer's church. And I don't...well try not to hate. I TRY really HARD to be a good person.
    Stephanie Meyers, it's me again. And yes you are very talented. And I wish you all the happiness in the world, and the world to come. Thanks for tormenting mine.

    ReplyDelete
  55. This is my third and final post. I just cannot articulate the pain I'm feeling inside! THIS IS KILLING ME! It hurts! Like high school...only, almost worse! In ways. I want to SCREAM, and buy a gun and shoot things! Not people. I'm not homicidal. Not even suicidal. I'm just PISSED the &*#$ OFF!!! I want to find some C4 and blow something up. Not something that...Grrrrrr! I am coming off as a total psycho, and I'm still going to post this, because I want to display my frustration! Here I am, just venting and I am afraid to do it because I don't want to be thought a terrorist! I'm too much of a patriot to do anything, spent 4 years on a ship, there's no way in hell I'd do anything to this country of the people in it.

    And I look like a psychopath because of Stephanie Meyer. Good job. You've reduced me to a babbling idiot. I have a degree and specialized training, and proposed to my wife at the Renaissance Fair with a poem and I've been reduced to this. Thanks a lot.

    ReplyDelete
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