Saturday, May 9, 2009

Reaping the Benefits

My mother was always fond of saying, "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

This post from Mr. brightredink, a fellow Twi-Widower, got me thinking about the upside my wife's new relationship with Edward Cullen.

You may be wondering exactly what benefits there are to sharing your wife with a rich, impossibly handsome work of fiction who never has to leave his runners on the doorstep to "air out." Surprisingly, Mr. brightredink has some very good points to make on the subject, to which I have added my own observations and experiences.


1. Edward takes the mystery out of gift shopping


As the teenager and I were doing our Mother's Day shopping at the mall last week, we remarked how much easier it had become to buy the wife presents lately.

Before Twilight, I would have to subtly draw hints from her for weeks to determine what sort of gift she wanted for special occasions and then would get it wrong anyway, despite all my careful detective work.
(She told me she wanted a food processor; how was I supposed to know it wasn't a good Valentine's Day gift?) But now that she has given herself over to Edward Cullen, knowing what she wants is ridiculously easy.


Now the only question is - birthday or anniversary gift?


2. More time to pursue your own lame obsessions

Now that your formerly mature, articulate S.O. has turned into a squealing fangirl, she can never again criticize you for standing in line for the midnight premiere of Transformers. And she can't say a damn thing about game night with the boys, your weekly poker game, or the Star Trek convention either.


Edward will also happily occupy your wife during the hockey playoffs.


3. Now you set the standard of cleanliness

Before Edward, my wife always managed to find fault with my housekeeping skills. Without fail, she would find the speck of food I'd overlooked on a fork or the patch of carpet I'd missed with the vacuum. Since Edward has entered our lives, however, she has let her standards slide considerably. This is great. The floor in front of the dresser was where I kept my socks before we moved in together, and she doesn't seem to mind anymore.


4. More enthusiasm.

One of the first things I noticed about the wife's Twilight obsession was how...frisky she seemed to be after spending time with Edward. One night, after she'd finished Eclipse for the first time, she rolled me over, pinned me down and rowed me like a boat. And it wasn't even Saturday.

Maybe the Cullen kid's not all bad...

So the next time you feel like the 3rd wheel on a bicycle built for your wife and Edward, remember that there are at least some small compensations for the repeated blows to your masculinity, your pride, and your self-esteem.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to look for the Twilight soundtrack. Fingers crossed...

244 comments:

  1. LMAO! I love reading your blog!
    Now I know how my hubs feels ;)
    Thanx so much!!!

    BTW - the clock is an awesome B'day gift, not for your Anniversary ;)

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  2. Definitely a Birthday Gift. If you have a second clock to spare, please hint to my husband...ha ha ....

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  3. Happy sailings! You've earned it.

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  4. Row, row, row your boat....Thank you once again for making me laugh!! I'm on the other other end of the spectrum, completely obsessed, but your blogs are phenomenal! Oh and to my knowledge, Edward doesn't blog. So there is another one for ya :)

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  5. where all you twi-widowers at?!?May 11, 2009 at 12:02 AM

    i have been somewhat (obviously, not as extensively or successfully as some) been keeping up with online twilight happenings out of total fascination for the supply (based on fanatic demand)...and found your blog got a shout out on twilightlexicon. so ironic that most of your commenters are the rabid, family-neglecting women out there...but this is a young blog. curious to know how many "twi-widowers" you actually hear from via comment or email...are the husbands who are made to read this actually banding together..or is this a nice place for crazy fans to laugh at themselves? --genuinely curious

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  6. see? the glass IS always half full. :)

    but keep going on with your rants... your the voice of reason, man!

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  7. Hilarious!! True but hilarious!

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  8. My hubby reads this blog but he's not much of a commentor.

    Great blog, BTW. I'm a reader of it too.

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  9. Haha, another great post. Also, here's a line from Eclipse that will work with your wife every time: "I love you. I want you. Right now."

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  10. My hubby reads now too since I told him about it. But he is also not much of a commenter.

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  11. "...and it wasn't even Saturday."
    Snort!

    Did you have a spy camera installed in my house or something?

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  12. @ where all you twi-widowers at?!?:

    Clearly this site is more than a little tongue-in-cheek. It's main purpose is amusement, for myself, other Twi-Widowers and, of course, our beloved Twi-Addicts themselves. At the end of the day, I am just happy that my wife is happy, and I'm sure most other Twi-Widowers feel the same.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Why do I feel the urge to find Twilight condoms? I wonder do they sparkle!

    Seriously this is whole blog post is hilarious! Love the bottom banner!

    ReplyDelete
  14. @Cathie said...
    Why do I feel the urge to find Twilight condoms? I wonder do they sparkle!

    Now THAT would be a marketing success!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Of course Twilight condoms would have to sparkle. That's the fun! SparklePeen! And safer than putting sparkle dust on it.

    ReplyDelete
  16. This is SO FUNNY!! I read excerpts to my hubby, but he doesn't think it's funny yet. I haven't read Eclipse yet either, so maybe he'll understand after I finish it...

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  17. I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog! So so funny!!!

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  18. By the way, do you happen to know that Twilight is on tour well at least some of the actors. My husband just got me tickets for one of the shows where I am going to meet alice, jasper, emmit and charlie.
    I'm sure your wife will love it. Go to Creation Entertainment Twi tour or Twilight convention and look for when they are coming to a city near you. Good luck from another wife obsessed.

    ReplyDelete
  19. My husband and I read it together and laugh so hard we cry! He's happy there is someone who feels his pain, and I am glad I am not the only one obsessed. His favorite "reap the benefits line" is...Is it not enough just to spend a long and happy life with me? Usually works wonders!

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  20. Another great post! Thank you for helping us laugh...even at our own expense.

    Thought I was the only one who attacked my husband after Eclipse! lol....

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  21. Hey, is this really Mr. Pillow Biter incognito as Mr. BrightRedInk?

    Socks in front of dresser on a consistent basis. Check. More time for him to pursue sad obsessions such as Gears of War. Check.

    Insanely passionate nights of frolicking after yet another viewing of Twilight. Oh, hellyah check. That one negates the socks any day.

    Oh, and thanks for the link- I'll link ya back! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  22. I found this blog on the Twilight Lexicon and passed it on to my husband, who hates Twilight. I wonder if I even need to explain how much he loves this blog? It's hilarious for us both, but for different reasons. :)

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  23. Lol, wow - that is alot of information!

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  24. Rowed me like a boat??? i'm dying...hilarious!

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  25. Twilight Widower -- didn't you say you have a teenage kid? hope he's not reading your blog!!

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  26. ROFL...Dude, jewelry. Trust us, get her the jewelry and you'll score big, and it's not even that expensive! http://twilightteez.com/jewelry/

    Also in a piece of shameless self promotion, show up wearing on of these and shall we say "the boat" will on an extended cruise. http://www.cafepress.com/twilightlexicon/6499551 or http://www.cafepress.com/twilightlexicon/6482183

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  27. HAHA gift giving...what an appropriate subject for us today since it's Edward's umm I mean Robert Pattinson's birthday.

    Honey...want to get rowed?
    Maybe we can get that started in America after this!!

    ReplyDelete
  28. No pain here dude .. for I'm right their with the ladies - thoroughly luv the story and the characters - while Edward is not my obsession, I pine for Alice & Esme ... and can only wish I had Edward's powers- LoL

    But you're right Twilight sure makes it easier come gift giving time and the nocturnal benfits are just a-ma-zing ... let me be whoever you desire, sweetie !!!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Hey - as a Twilight/Edward Cullen fan, I totally understand where your wife is coming from and am now wondering if my husband is really the man behind this blog.....he doesn't seem to mind having his boat rowed either :-)

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  30. This is great!! I've got to tell the "widowers" in my office. My husband always complained about "not that Austen broad again!" now it's "you're reading those twilight books again?!" LMFAO.

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  31. OMG this is hilarious. I get "how many times are you going to read those books?" LMAO! Love this blog. have to send hubby the link.

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  32. So funny! I'm not married yet, and I'm not looking for it either (far too young(19), though, Bella's married 18, lol), but now I think I'll never will get married... Edward has set too high standards for humans to fulfill... But that fact doesn't make me sad... I mean, living with Edward, even fictional, is not so bad... :)

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  33. My husband and I have had MANY fights over the Twilight books. He has even hidden a book from me. I think I'm ready to read again, though. I miss the world of Bella and Edward, and it's only been a week.

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  34. Hello, my name is Sarah and I am addicted to Twilight… I have to admit, I don’t feel a pang of guilt for the treason my fellow twihards and I have committed against you all. I think my lack of sympathy might have something to do with the fact that I have been widowed since November 22, 2005… In the beginning it was painful to bare witness to; the late nights he’d spend with her, the compliments he’d lavish on her, all the accessories he bought for her… I felt sad, angry…. Truthfully (shamefully), I even considered murdering her… Eventually, my anguish faded and I just became numb… I knew I couldn’t compete with her awesomeness… In his eyes, she was perfect… A heavenly gift sent down from the Microsoft Gods…. And so I discovered Edward… For the first time in 2 and half years, I felt whole again, happy even…

    Swiftly, one evening, terror struck my significant other… 14 hours (real time) into the 7 day survival achievement on Dead Rising he was plagued by THE RED RING OF DEATH… Heart broken, he came crawling back to me, unfortunatly (not really) my heart now belongs to Edward Cullen *sigh*, and i wouldnt have it any other way... LOL

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  35. I am still laughing. Great blog. My husband really hasn't started mourning yet as I am a closet Edward fan..ha. "Come on", I used to think. "I'm a 30-something-year-old mother of two, with an 8-5 job and responsibilities. I can't be in love with fictional characters!" But thanks to the the twicrackaddict and twimoms and other sites, I am not alone and thanks to you, neither will my husband be...ha.

    ReplyDelete
  36. My hubby works at a (not to be named) retail store and one of my Mothers day gifts was one of the bigger than life sized cutouts of Bella and Edward left over after the dvd release promo. I freaked out and he was well "rowed" that night that night also.
    lol. love the blog.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Seriously... hilarious blog! My husband is always poking fun at Edward... but now we both have our little inside joke! He is Edward, and I am Bella on our most friskiest days :)

    It's fun...

    ReplyDelete
  38. Even though the books are rated PG13, they have had a wonderous effect on the women who read them, myself included. It also seems that the real-life men in our lives are not so much complaining as they are just stunned and, come on, just flat happy as all get out it even if it's not a Saturday! It's nothing we females haven't felt before... we just got tired of waiting around for Saturday to get here! So we stuck our oars in the water and rowed for all we're worth. Still, I believe Edward isn't the only cause to set sail... all the Cullen men are swoon-worthy and who could resist a hot blooded wolf??? A polisher or a groomer. Why choose? That's my moto... and if you would like to get your wife a gift, I would suggest something like these...
    http://www.cafepress.com/tarl/5861585
    or these...
    http://www.cafepress.com/tarl/5861492

    And condoms that sparkle? Someone is going to make a fortune on those, once they invent them, that is.
    Respectfully,
    Stupid Shiny Volvo Driver

    ReplyDelete
  39. Sending to my widower, I mean boyfriend, who bought me the 3-disc special Target DVD of Twilight. Love him. And my boyfriend, too.

    ReplyDelete
  40. hahaha.. i want to send this to my hubby!! we only see each other like 1 month every year because he works overseas and this year, he was angry because during his vacation, that was the peak of my twilight obsession! haha.. i hardly pay attention to him because i was so busy with all this twilight stuff.. haha.. i'll send him this link. this might give him a laugh! =)

    ReplyDelete
  41. Correct on all 4 counts. My wife cannot say anything about me playing or watching rugby, she used to be a neat=freak, now could give a toss if things got picked up...and she has the unbridled libido that I have not seen since we would skip class in college for a romp in my dorm room over 25 years ago. It could be worse...at least she's not a NASCAR fan (It would be hard making love to somebody wearing Dale Earnhardt memorabilia)

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  42. My husband actually gave me a Twilight clock. Check out this link: http://mylifewithedwardcullen.wordpress.com/2009/04/28/getting-acquainted/

    ReplyDelete
  43. YOU ARE A FREAKIN HOOT! I AM SINGLE SO IT ONLY AFFECTED MY GROWN CHILDREN- BUT DOESN'T MATTER, WOULD HAVE BEEN THE SAME. I;VE NEVER READ A BOOK MORE THAN ONCE- EVEN MY FAVORITES AND I BELIEVE I'M ON NO 6-7 WITH THIS SERIES. I DO BELIEVE THIS IS WHAT CRACK COCAINE MUST FEEL LIKE. ITS SCARY. CAN'T WAIT FOR MIDNIGHT SUN....DON'T STOP BLOGGING, YOU'RE HILARIOUS, BECAUSE DEEP DOWN YOU GET IT. GO AHEAD, STEP OUT AND START READING. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO...

    ReplyDelete
  44. OMG I laughed so hard at the row me like a boat comment - that is so funny! You crack me up Widower - keep it up!

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  45. WHERE do we get the Twilight condoms?????

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  46. It's all true. Every bit of it. My husband appreciates you.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Are you sure she was reading eclipse or did she secretly have a smutty fic tucked in her book? lol.

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  48. This is hilarious.... I have realized that I am Twihard fan like all these others. I actually told my nephew that the best place to pick up girls will be at the movies the night that New Moon comes out... lol...

    Although I love me some Edward, I am starting to develop a crush on Emmett :)

    ReplyDelete
  49. dear twi-widow,
    i just want you to know that there are some ways i've realized my husband is BETTER than edward cullen. a few are as follows:
    1. there is no way edward smells better than theMr. not a chance.
    2. i've given birth to four of his children and not one of them has attempted to "bite" their way out.
    3. on a cold winter night(and we have alot of those in ohio!), he can keep me warm without the use of a werewolf.
    4. no one has EVER tried to kill me by being associated with him, not once in eleven years.
    and finally.... he has great hair that does not require lots of products to style (you know there is no way edward's hair looks like that without lots of work!)

    4.

    ReplyDelete
  50. haha good post. I love the "it wasn't even Saturday" comment. Too funny!

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  51. See? Edward is really perfect, even he is helping you! Oh Edward!!!!!
    Congratulations, I'm from Brasil and now I'm your follower!

    ReplyDelete
  52. Oooo, for anniversary, definitely for anniversary!

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  53. I LOVE this! My husband has reaped all the benefits thanks to Edward, too. I've been telling him he has the body of a 17 year old vampire. He bought me life sized cardboard cutout of rob-and they're an EXACT match!! I'm thrilllllled. (you should hear the naughty laugh I'm making). But you know, I've been espousing all of the gentlemanly traits of Edward, and my husband has tried (a little) to emulate him, and I'm appreciative. Loved your perspective.

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  54. "And it wasn't even Saturday". LMAO! So true! I'll tell you what, after I spend time with Edward it definitely makes me more frisky with my husband.

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  55. Yep the end of Eclipse was pretty good, I think it was pretty late at night when I finished that book but my hubby didn't mind HA HA HA HA!!! PS he is a little miffed at me for not finishing up the Bourne Identity books I started which are pretty good but that dang Twilight sucked me back in!!! Oh and yes my house work is going to hell!

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  56. My only problem is that my boyfriend is twice as obsessed as I am. Except he wants Alice... And I'm all for Jasper. 4way?

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  57. Excellent blog, "and it wasnt even Saturday"--

    Jaima

    ReplyDelete
  58. Awesome, hilariously true, and did you know there's a sparkling dildo out now? Better hope the wife doesn't find out...

    ReplyDelete
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  60. It seems as everyone here thinks that this is some sort of joke. It may be to you but it is not to me. A little over one week ago my wife watched the twilight movie and become instantly obsessed. She immediately accused me of having an affair because I don't love here like Edward Cullen loved Bella. she said that she was empty inside, that our relationship was no longer fulfilling. She began fantasizing about Edward and looking at picture after picture of Robert Pattison on the internet. I believe that she had even been masturbating to these images and fantasies. It all started on a Friday...Monday as luck would have i was informed that within a short time i would be laid off from a job I loved. I needed my wife, but she was making love to Edward. I came home on Tuesday early and she barely spoke to me and faked a headache so that she could go to her room and read all night. Most nights shes in bed by 9:30... It is a struggle to get her to even stay up an extra hour with me some nights. But this night, she was up well past 11...but as my shock faded I realized she was holding the second book in the series in her hand... Thursday I wrote to her in an email and begged her to give me some emotional support.... I was hurting.. i needed her. Her idea of support was to sit down next to me with her head buried in her twilight book. i wanted to talk... she eventualy flipped out and stormed off to the room. I followed her... I tried to talk to her but she had her head buried in the third book. I got so furious that I tried to take it out of her hands. She physically punched and kicked me like an demon possesed animal. she calmed down, said she was sorry. I left the room. I sat down at the computer and much to my dismay more twighlight nonsense was on the screen and she had been looking at Robert Pattisons picture again. I became extremely hurt. All that i wanted was some support from my wife as i was at a low point and she didn't love me enough to give that to me. I went into the room and told her this. I accused her of being in love with a ficticous character and that is why she couldn't love me in my time of need. She would not deny it. I told her that If I looked at porn and then became unsatisfied with her body she would be hurt. She saw Edward and felt i didn't measure up so she gave her heart to him. We argued.. she said she wanted a divorce because she could not handle me telling her that she had to stop reading the books, that I was not her parent. Its now early Sunday morning... she kicked me out on Friday morning. I sit here on a floor in an old empty apartment that we use to live in with tears in my eyes. I have truly lost my wife... to a book about a teenage vampire. It amy be funny to many of you in here.. I wish I could laugh with you.. but I can not..

    ReplyDelete
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